true confessions of an army wife

jealous bug, be gone

2011-03-13T22:24:00.001-06:00

oh Lord, i want to be supportive and appreciative and have happy tears for them, but seriously, what about us?

i'm watching 'coming home' on lifetime and as heart-touching as the reunions are, i'm jealous. jealous to hear that the navy aviator was deployed only 7 months, total. jealous that some tv show was able to get a dad home early for his daughter's concert. jealous that at the end of the day, we'll be doing another 12 + months deployment, my boys will once again be bonding with their father thanks to a webcam, jealous that at the end of the day, they will never hear our story. and i don't like the jealous feeling, it's not who i am.

but then again, why not be jealous? heck, i would love a deployment that lasted less than 12 months. i would love for my husband to be home for our boys' birthdays (sure, he'll be home for the birth of our son and be able to put him to sleep for the first 12 days of his life, and then he'll be gone for another 6 + months). i would love for him to be able to take our son to soccer (no 3 yr old should break down in the middle soccer because he misses his daddy that much). i would love for my husband to come home at the end of this deployment and know he'll be home for the rest of our boys' lives.

but at the end of the day, it's not the path God has laid before. it's not the journey He has chosen for us. and it's not the easy road we will take. but, it is the road He is carrying us down. and so, jealousy aside, i will try to be happy for those reunited with their loved ones as we wait, and wait, and wait.

this deployment is due to end me

2011-03-02T22:46:00.001-07:00

so this is the deployment that will due me in, i can feel it.

it's like this. he calls like clockwork. and if he can't call, he emails or messages me. even when they go to blackout, i still get a message to reassure me that he is okay. if he leaves the fob, he lets me know that it'll be a few days and that's all i need for peace of mind.

fast forward to the last 24hrs: he called, said good night to lil man, we chit-chatted for a few brief moments before he had to go to work (it's daytime there when it's nighttime here. actually works out real conveniently for lil man's bedtime routine and still having daddy be part of it), our usual phone call. then came the day. i had an ob appt (36wks!), we had our usual chick-fil-a playdate (which is when he would usually call), we went to the gym (i'm still doing yoga) and ran some errands, had lil dragons (and lil man is doing so well), had dinner and started our bedtime routine. lil man had a rough bedtime tonight (there was some scratching and hitting and begging for daddy), so i really was hoping hubby would call to help lil man. well, no call during the day and no bedtime call...

first i thought maybe it was my phone. then i thought maybe something had happened and he didn't get a chance to get me a message. after checking with other wives, i was told it was a normal, crazy stress-filled day and their husbands were all in bed. hmmm.... this is where having taken the resiliency training back fired. rather than not catophersizing, i did catophersize. and boy am i good about thinking the worse of the worse. literally, i was down to counting the minutes until 11pm because i knew they can't make a notification after 11pm and i would have at least a few more hours to hear from him, that's how bad i am.

long story shortened, i got an email about how crazy stress-filled the day was and then he had the pleasure of fixing his computer that had crashed on him. so, rather than sleeping, my hero spent most of his night working on his computer so that when he gets off work he can call home finally. God, i love him!

but between preggo hormones and a preschooler and life and just being over these deployments, if i could drinking, there'd be a strong one on my desk right now. instead, i put my trust in God and know that He will get us through this.

and now, i understand

2011-02-20T22:08:00.001-07:00

so i could never understand why so many women complained about being pregnant. it's such an awesome miracle. such an awesome gift. and now, i understand how awesomely painful it can be.

i've reached 34 weeks and by this time last time, with lil man, i was breezing through the pregnancy, with not a care in the world. well, buddy, not this time. sure i have a preschooler and a deployed hubby, but this time around more than anything, i think my body is totally making up for my easy pregnancy with lil man.

arthritis: got it so bad that my arms go numb, driving down the road, chopping up veggies, sleeping, you name it, my arms are in pain. back pain: hello! and i have a 33lb preschooler who has been sick for the entire month of february it seems, so lots of cuddling and holding. sleeplessness: i sleep in 4 hour shifts. which i guess it nice because i feel like my body is preparing itself for midnight feedings, but i would enjoy getting some sleep, for more than 4hrs at a time. (because a nap for lil man isn't always in the cards for him) and getting comfortable: forget it. i can't sit comfortable anymore. i definitely don't sleep comfortable. i can't get comfortable driving (and i have super comfy sits in the honda). and showering, i'm to the point i need a chair in the shower just so i don't fall out.

so, i can completely now understand why so many women complain about the discomforts of being pregnant. but for me, every.single.ache. has been worth it. even when he's found joy in poking my cervix or even barrows his head in to my pelvis, it's been worth it all.

34 wks

take that deployment and preggo hormones and life in general

2011-02-16T16:54:00.000-07:00

yeah, you heard me... take that deployment, and preggo hormones and life in general. today, i took prisoners, and no nothing took me as their prisoner (i'm sure for that i'll be paying for it for the next few weeks). but it felt so great to feel so accomplished today.

as i stood and stared at our calendar on the 10th of this month, for a month i was filled with joy thinking we had just made it to the 5 month mark, and then reality slapped me, hard, across the face (and i think some spit even hit the ground) that we had only survived 4 months of this endless deployment. and so, i found myself in a puddle on the floor.

and then there are those preggo hormones. between heartburn in the afternoon, evening, middle of the night, just flat out whenever, and feeling huge, even larger than an elephant at times, and just flat out being sore.all.the.time. and running on sleep that i collected during a 4 hour shift of sleeping, at least i'm getting ready for night time feedings, right, you could say this pregnancy is owning me.

and don't forget life. 24 hours to make the most of and then you get a whole new 24 hours. and with a 3 year old who was sick and then a preggo mommy who has been hanging on for some unknown reason to the crud, and the emotions and everything else that comes with life and deployment, there have been more gray days that resemble ft. lewis's weather than our weather lately.

but not today! today i accomplished a whole heap of things. broke in to my own home. felt great all day. didn't let a single bump in the road stop us. today i felt as if God himself was walking right in front of me making sure no one and nothing even looked at us the wrong way. what an amazing feeling. i pray it continues, or at least rears its head more often around here.

so drained and it has even been a 100 days

2011-01-17T20:33:00.001-07:00

we're riding the deployment roller coaster again and to be honest, it's true, it never.ever.gets easier.

we're not a 100 days in yet, getting close though, and already i feel drained and completely over this whole deployment. sure i have a 3 year old to tame and am baking a bun and am a homeowner this time around. and yes we just spent the last 10 weeks traveling. but honestly, i'm over it all.

i'm over being strong. i'm over being supportive (not of hubby because he is my hero i'll carry him to the end of the earth). i'm over being understanding how this may be hard for this person or that person. i'm over cooking for lil man and myself (i hate leftovers). i'm over being organized and getting care packages out in time for each holiday (yes, i bought moon pies today for the mardi gras package). i'm just flat out over it.

and i know God is actually the one carrying me and i'm being selfish, but i feel like i'm at this alone. and i know i'm not. but still. tomorrow is another day and another 24hrs to fill to the brim and trust God i'm doing the best i can.

project: pay it forward

2011-01-12T20:12:00.000-07:00

so rather than another 'perfect list,' this year i want to do something to help others. i want to do something each month to help someone else, pay it forward, because we are fortunate to be able to financially do so. so each month i want to take $50 from our spending/ allowance money and do something for someone else. here's my list so far:

grocery giftcard
pay on someone else's utilities
mani/pedi giftcard with childcare
donate a mops (mothers of preschoolers) scholarship
dinner/date giftcard with childcare

i know there are a billion other things i can do. i'm so excited! i figure there are even things i can do without spending a dime, that i want to do as rak (random acts of kindness) and even things our lil man can do. i figure this will be our year of paying it forward.

new year, new adventures

2011-01-09T20:15:00.000-07:00

hello new year! and that means only one thing, new adventures (and challenges). looking at remaining 51 weeks left in this year, can i tell you we definitely have some adventures ahead of us:
*wrapping up our 10 long weeks of traveling and finally getting back home
*cleaning out the kitchen and making sure 'eating healthy' is actually do-able
*work on the nursery... umm... less than 12 weeks and baby 2.2 will be here!
*face another birthday (and i'm actually stoked to just get to 30, though that's another year away)
*convince baby 2.2 that he needs to stay put until daddy gets home
*bring baby 2.2 and the hubby home and be a happy little family for a few days before r&r fades away and we begin the countdown to homecoming
*figure out how to raise two boys while daddy is across the world
*maintain a home, as the homeowner (praying that nothing breaks or needs major repair)
*plan homecoming!
*plan the holidays, together

and those are just the highlights. and to be honest, that list is nothing but short of overflowing with blessings and i know there are a bunch more in store for us this year!

you win, but 2011 will be even better

2010-12-28T12:25:00.000-07:00

so it's been a while. and to be honest, i have no real good excuses. but here i am. and baby 2.2 too. and well, as 2010 draws to an end, here i sit feeling baby 2.2 kick and lil man is 'resting' as he likes to call his naps in the other room and hubby is some 7 thousand miles away and to be honest, i can't say i can check anything off my list of '10' for 2010. but i'm okay with that. i am.

when i look back over the year, everything else won, not me. but as i look forward to 2011, i know the victory is already in my grasp. sure, i didn't lose 10lbs, in fact i gained 10lbs and then some, but then again i'm baking a bun. and i didn't run my 10k or my 10 miler, but i was up to 6 miles until i was side lined. and i already have my eyes on 2012 the army ten miler. i didn't read 10 new books, but that's okay, i read lots of news stories and personal stories and learned even a few new words. and maybe this is my subtle hint that i'm not a reader. i didn't learn 10 new verses, but i kept a few on my heart everyday, and i would rather have a few on my heart than 10 verses learned for the sake of learning them. and i wrote a lot of cards, they didn't make them in the mailbox, but those that did, i know were cherished by the ones who received them. and i made 10 genuine connections. well, they were genuine to me. and those 10 pedis, well, there's a reason why we live in colorado now.

regardless of what i did or didn't accomplish in the last 360 odd days, in the end, i lived 360 odd days to the fullest, even when spending most of the day in the bathroom throwing up, and blessed, even when there were dark clouds. so, He will hold my hand and i will have the victory next year, because i can already see it, because i am blessed beyond belief.

eyes open, arms opened wide, breathe deep

2010-06-28T22:43:00.000-06:00

so lil man and i love being in colorado because there are so many 'climb rocks' experiences. aka, we belong to a hiking group for mommies and their tots. and to be honest, it's the best investment/ membership we have, well besides my plush sports club membership.

but today as we were meeting up with our group i got the sting of reality. because everyone in our group has different schedules and our hikes are all over colorado springs, sometimes it's a while between hikes that we see each other. well, one of the moms we had seen last in march shared happy news the same day about our impending pregnancies. well, she's 21 weeks along and well, i'm not. and apparently no one told her. and well, as i opened my eyes wide to take in the beautiful view of the rockies and opened my arms wide to catch my lil man running down the hillside, i took a deep breathe and was stung with the reality that it's just us, just the three of us.

however, on a happier note, apparently secretary gates has a heart and has decided to give our family a few more weeks together and allow us one more extra try at letting God do his magic and grow our family.

thank you sec gates for having a heart. though when we get pregnant, we won't be naming our lil one after you.

finding the positive isn't always easy

2010-06-16T22:57:00.000-06:00

so i know the last few posts have been rather depressing. and to be honest, i've put off writing my weekly deployment check-in along with a few other things because i've just been an emotional mess and can't take on more.

with the reality that we're less then 90 days out from duffel bags, white buses and webcam dates again, i know our opportunities for make a baby are getting slimmer too. and then the thought that hubby will miss two birthdays, two football seasons, two halloweens, two thanksgivings, two christmases and one of everything else in between, i'm having a hard time trying to find the positive, the silver lining, the joy in what God has put before me.

usually i'm good at finding the positive, but i have these fears, thoughts that i know the devil has placed in my way to make we weaver in my faith. i know that i can overcome those thoughts, i know God will bring us through this. He is bringing us to it, so i know He'll bring us through it. but even with that echoing in my head, i'm having a hard time believing it with all my heart, soul and mind. and heck, why shouldn't i. 15 months is a very long time. iraq is safer then afghanstain, but still. any number of things could happen. what if i don't get pregnant? what if i miscarry and hubby is half a world away? what if?

but i'm trying to wrap my head around it. find the positive and make the most of our time together. so, my prayer is for positive thinking, for courage to face the journey before us, to have renewed and continued faith and to kick satan out of my mind.

on vacation, sorta

2010-05-30T20:14:00.000-06:00

so we're having a grand ole time on vacation, no real schedule to keep, doing as we please, hardly a spat over anything and on the inside, i'm a total emotional mess. seriously an emotional hot mess.

between being worn down by lil man's morning tantrums, i blame the darn time difference (he's waking up here at 6am, but in reality it's only 4am back home) and then the sheer excitement of everything we're doing together but then the looming thought that this could be our last vacation as a family, ever, it's just a train wreck of emotions. and all the same i'm keeping a smile on my face and my head held high as we make our way through the lines and laugh and smile and just enjoy being together and yet, each person passing by has no clue what a hot mess i am on the inside.

but then again, i can see in some of their eyes that maybe they can see past the smiles and laughter and they can see it in my eyes that when we pass the little girls' sections in the stores i feel cheated or maybe they can see when we pose for a picture that i'm praying it's not the last, or maybe they can see when i'm laughing at the silly face our lil man is making that inside i'm just slap worn out. and maybe they can relate or they simply want to care. but i just can't let it all out, not all at least. i do let out a few tears here and there.

we sat watching the 'hall of presidents' today and patriotic things always make me teary, but i teared up as i watched, not because i'm proud to be american, which i am, but because my husband is risking his life and leaving us to do so for each and every person we sit in the show with and then some. and then as we pass through the shops, thank goodness for bug-eyed, dark sunglasses as hot tears roll down my cheek and i quickly wipe them away as i brush pass the princess dresses and minnie ears. and then come the happy tears as i breathe a sigh of relief and belief and know that it will all be okay and know that i'm not in this alone. and i can feel His arms around me as i watch those shows and as i pass the shops and know that He is giving me strength to endure.

on a side note, i tried to make the blog private but realized that the blog is smarter then me.

4wks and living and dying

2010-05-20T22:01:00.000-06:00

so it's been four weeks, which i didn't realize until i was watching grey's anatomy's last 15 minutes when meredith herself experiences the same grief. and then i thought of the preview for this coming weekend's army wives and i all i can think is, 'really!?!, do i really need more reminders.'

i couldn't figure out why i felt so emotionally and physically exhausted today, but as i sit here reflecting on my recent journey and looking at my beautiful angel hubby got me for mother's day (i would have been 12wks on mother's day) i know why. in the last four weeks i've kept myself so busy, on the go constantly that i have to confess that i have not grieved completely or properly yet. sure, i've cried here and there and i've made my peace with God, for the most part though tv shows i watch in hopes of relaxing are making me a little upset with Him, and i want to say that i'm ready for the next step, but i'm honestly just avoiding the pain.

to be honest, it will be nice to get away, to leave behind the reminders of the life we will not be living, right now. it'll be nice to step away and take a breathe, truly relax and grieve, at the happiest place on earth (go figure). but i know through it all, with a deployment looming, a body that hasn't regulated yet, and this grief and the million things on my plate, i know that i don't control it all and i don't make the decisions on what happens and how far the ripples will spread. i just sit back and watch the beautiful picture He is painting with me.

tears on a sunny day

2010-05-18T22:53:00.000-06:00

so i'm not one to sit and cry, much. and i'm not one to let the projects around new home pile up. but the other day, as i was using my hand shovel to 'cut' the grass out of the front yard so i could lay down the pavers the previous owners left us (the left side of the driveway has pavers already, they just never finished the job), i had to great help of our lil man, assisting me in every.single.step.of.the.way.

but as we were pulling up the row of sod, i collapsed trying to take the sod roll and dump it in the garbage can. but lil man simply pulled a piece of sod off and tossed it in the garbage and very clearly pointed out to me that i needed to take smaller pieces and toss them. once we had staked down our weedblock and smoothed out our sand, it was time to move those heavy pavers. the first few weren't too bad and i started on the far end of the drive (not like we have a long driveway). but as i laid each paver down and my arms got tired, i got angry at my hubby. why hadn't he taken on this project? why wasn't he the one who was doing all the yard work? and then, as the gentle breeze blew and the clouds slowly crept across the sunny mid-day sky, i cried out, 'why am i able to do this! i shouldn't be able to do this! i should be restricted from heavy lifting. i should be pregnant!'

and then i sat on our front steps and cried tears on that sunny day. it was a moment i'm sure that will repeat itself over and over again in the months and years to come. it was a moment i'm sure to relive when i least expect it (come on, i was laying pavers, nothing 'mommy-ing' in that). but it was a moment that i was wrapped in warm sunshine and knew i wasn't alone as i cried tears on a sunny day. and now that summer is near and the warm evenings are hopefully here to stay, as i look out over the plains and see the far of distant lighting over kansas, i know our angel is up there playing, just waiting for us to be a family again someday.

been there all the time waiting

2010-05-14T22:25:00.001-06:00

ever feel like the light bulb has come on and you 'duh,' you've been there the whole time? it's kind of one of those moments where you go, 'okay, i can see you, i know you've been there the whole time, i've just not wanted to see you there.'

with our recent miscarriage and the upcoming deployment and the mounding of things i've taken on and a toddler who has decided now would be a good time to regress and act 2, i have found myself throwing my arms more then ever and going, 'seriously?!? are you serious!' and it's not fair, i mean, i know in my heart of hearts, if God brings you to it, He will bring your through it. but, honestly lately, i've felt that that is easier said then believed.

as sat there tonight at the wings for women military spouses conference and admired all the pregnant bellies, i put my hand on my stomach and knew that all i was feeling was my well-padded storage of yummy foods i really didn't need. and as i sang my little heart out, oh Lord, please let me have been somewhat in tune, the words spoke straight to my heart. and as i listened to the keynote speakers, laughing a lot and feeling refreshed, my mind kept wondering off to the timeline of things to come in the near future... and it was while i was drifting through the future that i saw the light bulb come on, if i ever needed God, i need him now.

between the grief and waiting, between the unknown and waiting, between Him waiting so patiently for me to go 'ah-huh,' He has been there the whole time carrying me and holding me close. and knowing that He was there in those dark moments and in those uncertain moments, i know He will be there as i continue to take one step at a time and take one breathe at a time, knowing that He will bring me to it, and He will bring me through it.

ps, with some crazy comments being left and OPSEC and such, i've decided to make the blog private. simply leave me a comment with your email and i will make sure to add you to the guest list. the blog will go private friday, may 21.

and now i'm in the anger stage

2010-04-26T16:44:00.000-06:00

so they say that when you grieve the loss of someone, you will go through six stages, not always in any particular order, but you will stop for at least a moment in each stage: denial, isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

i've accepted what has happened. i guess while i was going through the agony of the 'birth' i was trying to convince and bargain with God that he really didn't want to take our baby. in actual grieving aka crying, i have isolated myself and that's just how i am. i'm a very emotional person both public and private, but when it comes to actually grieving, i tend to isolate myself. and well leaves us with denial, anger and depression. i guess part of me is in denial still holding out hope that maybe when i go for the ultra sound the doctors will realize they were wrong and that our baby is just fine, safe and sound in my cervix in my belly right where she belongs. and i have a feeling depression will rear her ugly head eventually. but at this moment, it's anger i'm feeling.

i'm angry that this even happened. i'm angry that my hubby is stressed at work with peoples' petty whining over meaningless things (many don't know what happened over the course of the last few days). i'm angry people don't understand that i want to grieve alone (and to be honest, there's nothing wrong with that and actually it's rather healthy for you). i'm angry that i had to miss out on this past weekend's fun events and 10k. i'm angry that the triage nurse still hasn't called. i'm angry that that i'm angry.

i'm not angry at God though. crazy though considering the fact that He is the one in control of all this and the one who ultimately made this happen. and yet, i can't find myself to be angry with him.

three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth. ~buddha

and just like that it was over with

2010-04-23T10:26:00.000-06:00

as the thunderstorms rolled through our area last night, with hail and all of God's beautiful fiery and power, it was over. just like the morning my water broke with lil man, with all its rain and thunder nearly 2 and a half years ago, i gave 'birth' as the hail pounded our roof and the lightning stretched across the night sky.

as of yesterday i was 9 wks 5 days pregnant with our second child. we hadn't told many. in fact, we had actually planned on telling everyone next week. using my picture of me running the okc memorial marathon relay 10k at 10 wks pregnant we wanted to announce the joyful news. but God has other plans for us. {jeremiah 29:11}

this terribly scary journey began tuesday with some light spotting, normal for most pregnancies. following doctor's orders, i went home, rested and tried to relax. wednesday morning things just didn't seem 'right.' i had called the triage nurse, but unbeknown to me their systems had crashed along with my contact info, and went to my eye doctor's appointment. yea! contacts! i can see again. i remember talking to my optometrist about running and being pregnant and he asked, 'is that safe to do?' i explained since i've been running for nearly a year, i was cleared to continue running through my pregnancy. i shared some pointers and we were done.

things still didn't feel 'right' and i didn't want to just 'sit and wait' anymore for the nurse to call back (though remember, their systems had crashed). lil man and i headed for ft. carson's evans hospital and the ob walk-in clinic. after a short wait we saw dr. silver. after telling him how i now had some 'period-like' cramps and the bleeding had increased, he did a vaginal ultra sound. lil man was so thrilled to see the baby! i had explained to him that he could talk to the baby in my belly but we had to 'see' her on a 'special tv.' unfortunately i couldn't get a hold of hubby (oh how i love the army), but we went to visit him after the doctor's. i explained to him that i was on strict orders to do a whole lot of nothing, to relax and drink lots of water, but we had seen the baby and her heartbeat!

well, wednesday afternoon hubby took off early and came home with us. by the time we made the 45 minute drive home, the cramping and bleeding had increased even more. so, we grab lil man's backpack, threw in some snacks, toys and the ipod loaded with his movies and headed to evans' er. after 6 glorious hours, through which i kept reminding myself to calm down and that we are not alone in this {psalm 46:10}, we were told that there was no clear answer to whether or not i would miscarry or if my placenta had simply tore as it was stretching.

at 5:20am thursday morning i felt as if i were going into labor. the cramping had become so strong and painful and by now i was bleeding and a lot. we headed back to the er, where i nearly collapsed while trying to check-in (thank you super nice emt who got me a wheelchair!). after the iv and the morphine, i had another ultra-sound. hubby and lil man weren't allowed to come along. so in the room with three strangers, i put on a brave face as the doctor read the screen and looked at me, 'ma'am, there is no detectable heartbeat and your baby is measuring only 8 wks, 1 day. i'm so sorry.'

my er doctor explained to us that what happened is called 'fetal demise.' because the baby wasn't developing correctly, my body had decided to end the pregnancy (gosh it's so hard to find the right words for this), and miscarry. i'm thinking of as God sparing us greater pain later on by doing this {psalm 32:4}.

dr. silver gave us our options and i chose to let my body its thing, clinging to my faith and the hope that maybe they were all wrong and had missed something and that everything would be alright in my sense of the word. we returned home as the cramping continued. by night fall i was still in shock and just numb to the situation. but as the thunder roared and the lightning lit up the night sky, i gave 'birth' and just like that, it was over with.

we are finding peace in this though. knowing that God truly does have a better plan for us. see, had i gone full-term, i would have been due the week of thanksgiving and hubby would have been deployed with no way of being home for the birth. and as we watch our lil man play with his toys (by the way, we explained to him that the baby got very sick and that she's in heaven now with God watching over us and he's okay with that), we can't help but feel so blessed already. when the time is right, God will guide us to make the decision on whether or not to try again.

we thank God and all of you for your continued love and support. we will get through this too

hey soul sister

2010-04-05T23:12:00.000-06:00

ever see someone and their glow and just can't help but stare? and then you look at everything that's going on around them and really can't help but stare and be amazed by their continued glow and amazing soul?

i want to be that person.

in this life we've been given by God to trail on down its pathway, pathways sometimes because we forget our plans are not God's plans, there is room for so many moments to dampen our glow, our soul, our dance in the rain. it's not that i want to be stared at, no way, shape or form, but i want to be able to stand there or dance or sing or simply smile and be able to encourage, inspire someone to do the same. i guess it's my servant-heart that God has blessed me with. i want to serve others by providing that encouragement. i don't need to know that i've done so, but i want to feel, i want to know that i am. even when it rains or the darkness of the deep lonely night sets in, i want to be able to be a glow for someone.

and sometimes i forget that the best person i can be that glow for is the person staring right back at me in the mirror. i think sometimes that sister of mine has the most amazing glow, even if it's just for a split second and then she's off and chasing a two year old or scrubbing the toilets or running to this event or that meeting, but even that glimpse of her and her soul reminds me that i am that soul sister with her glow and encouragement and amazement, i just have to let her out.

Lord, ease my mind and quiet my thoughts and busy-body so that YOU can take my soul sister and let her shine and inspire others by serving YOU. amen

no matter what, their parade will always get rained on

2010-03-18T22:12:00.000-06:00

do you know someone that no matter what, their parade will always get rained on? regardless of what it is, their situation is always horrible, painful, worse then everyone elses' situation? and they always complain about how they are feeling bummed out all the time and just can't figure out why or how to get over it?

i don't like to dwell on negative feelings. i don't like to surround myself with negative people. i don't believe life is all sunshine, rainbows and cupcakes. but i do believe that no matter how horrible, painful or awful my situation, someone else's situation will always be worse then mine so i try not to complain, or not as loudly.

sure, i can rattle of a list of things that i have happened to me in my lifetime that should have knocked me down, brought me to cries and should have left me questioning God (and don't think i didn't at the time). but when i look in the mirror, i'm glad they happened to me and that God brought me through them for they made me the person i am today, fully capable of handling anything that comes my way.

looking ahead to what 2010 holds for me and my family, i know there's a deployment on the horizons again. but i also know we're also trying to add to our family, most likely resulting in me delivering with hubby watching via webcam the birth of our child. there are holidays he'll miss, again. there are the moments we want to share with our family but can't because we live on the other side of the country from them. there wil be friends who will disappoint. there will be opportunities missed. there will be much more. but when 2010 closes out, we can say we made it and we made it with God's merciful hands around us.

and so, let the negative nancy and sad sally boo whoo, and yes, i'll offer an encouraging word and pray for them, but at the end of the day, i won't let them bring me down.

through the lens of my carema

2010-02-24T16:44:00.000-07:00

so aaron totally rocked my birthday (and valentine's day and our anniversary and mother's day) with a brand spanking new canon eos 7d! so, i've been playing around with it, learning how to use it and just enjoying life through the lens of my new camera.

as i was taking pictures the other day of our lil man as the snow fell gently around him, i started thinking, when you turn off the 'auto focus' and start using the 'manual focus,' it was more excitng to take pictures and see the end results. life is just the same way. when you turn off the 'auto focus' and start looking at life through 'manual focus,' you start seeing things more clearly for yourself.

as i turned the focus thingy to clear up the image through the lens, i started realizing that once i stopped going through life on 'auto,' i was able to start focusing on what's really important, not the things everyone else thought for me was important, but what i myself thought was and is important to me, for myself, for my family, for those who surround me.

and so with that, i'm focusing more on the 'manual' setting in my life, starting with the things i spend my time and energy on. aaron pointed out recently that i've been wearing myself thin, trying to help too many and forgetting to help myself and our family. so, the auto setting is off, the manual setting is on and i can't wait to see the pictures God and i take in 'manual.'

nothing, but a lot of things

2010-02-16T22:10:00.000-07:00

ever just have a lot on your mind, but then nothing to really write? a lot has happened, but it just seems that i have no energy to sort it all out in my brain, get it through my finger tips and have it make sense for you to digust. so, i leave you with nothing, but with lots of things on my mind.

what about my son

2010-02-02T20:33:00.000-07:00

it's a double post night!

as i listen to lil man doze off to sleepy-by land on the baby monitor, and as i spend another night combing through the countless websites, reading article after article, searching for answers, i wonder, what about my son?

sure the department of defense has made sure there are plenty of resources for parents and teachers for school-aged children facing the deployment cycle. but when it comes to our youngest family members, it seems that most forget that they too serve, they too suffer, they too need support and comfort and help.

sure we keep busy, we have a routine, we watch 'dadda story' (videos of daddy reading stories), we do the webcam playdates, we have a picture wall gallery of pictures of lil man and daddy, we have the build-a-bear, we've read 'the kissing hand' and 'night catch,' lil man wears his milawear bracelet and has a set of daddy's dogtags, we talk on the phone with daddy as much as he can call, we do art for daddy and wounded warriors, we have monthly goals to help pass the time, we have playdates with other little ones going through the same thing, but at the end of the day, daddy still isn't home and it's still months before he'll be home (well, not right now, but come later on this year it will).

even now with hubby just tdy for three weeks, each and every time lil man hears an airplane (at lil man's request, we stayed at until we saw his plane taxi away), he has asked, 'dadda airplane?' and each time i tell him, 'not today. but in X more bedtimes daddy will be home.' there have already been a few times that i've bit my lip and looked away as to avoid tearing up. and to think, this is just a three week tdy and he's just a few states away. what am i going to do when hubby is 7 timezones and 7,079 miles away for at least 12 months?

i pray each and every night to God for strength and guidance. i've been grabbing every book possible to read and find more strategies for coping. i've talked with other moms. i've mentioned it to our deputy commander and our care team. but what more can i do? what more can i do for our son? for all the little ones who are forgotten?

what's really important

2010-02-02T20:20:00.000-07:00

so this past weekend i went to church with my new bestie (don't worry other besties, you haven't be replaced, just added another). it's amazing how you can quickly forge a friendship with someone (but both of our hubs have been tdy the last two weeks and we've been sharing meals and helping her learn the town and the post). i digress. so at any rate, we're listening to this sermon about luke 12:12-21 about what are your real riches and the masks people will wear.

as we've been discussing each evening after the meal we've shared, i hate leftovers, i've come to realize that i too wear a masks, but i've also re-evaluated those who i counted close to me and slowly found that they too are wearing masks. there is no greater disappointment then to put your trust and confidence in someone and then realize that that trust and confidence has been betrayed when they turn and 'run' their mouth about you to someone else.

as i approach my 10 year high school reunion and i look over the pictures and jog down memory lane, i find that there are some that i wish i was still close friends with, but because of their masks and betrayal, we're not. and it's sad.

as the message continued, we also have discussed what's important to us. everyone needs a passion. whether it's your work, your family, your stress release, your possessions, everyone has something they are passionate about. if not, then they are missing out on life. however, sometimes your passion is not something you can store up and have waiting on you when you get to heaven. thinking about what my passion, helping others, i wonder, is that maybe why i've re-evaluated those around me and consider which are wearing the masks and which are passionate about being themselves and being true to me.

so at the end of the day, i know God has a plan for me, for me not to wear a mask, for me not to store up materialistic things, for me to carry on the path of life with those surrounding me that are true not just to me, but to themselves.

never seen a hoarse pulling a u-haul trailer.

you can make a difference

2010-01-28T22:33:00.000-07:00

so i'm just a lowly captain's wife. just a stay at home mom (though we're never home). just another spouse at fort carson.

well, last week the command at carson decided they should have a 'blog webchat' with those who wanted to share their concerns, praises and groans about things at carson. so, i of course took advantage of the moment to complain out the information channel(s) and the lack of customer service. well, apparently since i didn't just complain but actually offered solutions, i caught the eye of one of the top dogs. i was told to email him and for two days we played phone tag. well, after a short hour meeting with top dog, i have a voice for all those who want to see change at fort carson.

i never really thought that all my gripes and suggestion for more efficient and effective use of resources for our soldiers and their families would ever become much of anything else but small talk over coffee. it's amazing how God can put you in the right place at the right time. here's praying that i really will be able to really bloom where i'm planted.

no thank you, i don't like hiccups

2010-01-22T22:48:00.000-07:00

ever feel like everything is going long just fine and then all of a sudden there's a hiccup? and then another? and one more hiccup after that one?

it seems that this last week was a make or break week with its hiccups, one after another. well, just like with this week and every other thing that comes up, you have two choices: take the hiccup, sit down and throw a pity party or you take the hiccup and tell it to take a hike. this week, every hiccup was told to take a hike. the coffee the kid knocked over and onto my backside during today's story time, no biggie, it was just a peppermint mocha and my pants smelled good. the hiccup of hubby going tdy and forcing lil man to become permanently attached to me, oh well, it's practice for the deployment. the disappointment in others' decisions this week. hey, you have to do what you have to do.

all and all, when evil tries to make its way into your day, you have to remember, it's a test, it's a way to hiccup what God has given you. and that's when you have to decide, pity party or take a hike?

love is...

2010-01-16T17:10:00.000-07:00

love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 corinthians 13:4-7

looking out the bathroom this morning as i blow-dried my hair, i was looking at our wedding picture frames. we had our guests sign our pictures frames and leave us personalized messages there rather then in a guest book. we have these frames hanging in the hallway to our bedroom. well, one message, from aaron's parents, was simple: love mom and dad 1 corinthians 13:4-7.

love is that simple. just 15 things to live by. be patient. be kind. no envy. no boasting. no need to be proud. don't be rude. don't be self-seeking. don't be quick to anger. and don't hold grudges. don't delight in others' difficulties or wrongs. seek the truth. always protect. always trust. always find hope. always persevere.

simple. and how i have made things difficult.

patient has not been a word in my vocabulary when it has come to aaron lately. i have been patient with his integration, a year in the making, but now that that time has come and gone, it seems my patients has too. guilty!

kind, are you kidding me. i have more negative, hurtful, unkind words springing from my mouth then i care for. rather then approach him and our life with understanding and patience, and use kind words, i have done all but that. guilty!

envy, oh i'm green. not that i'm envious of his job or the long hours he works. but i'm envious of the time he gets alone. ridiculous, right! okay, as a stay-at-home mom it is understandable that one feels like that never have time to themselves, but seriously, in retrospect to aaron and his time, i have no right to be envious or green. guilty!

boast, oh i can boast about all the things i do. and instead i know i should be thankful that i can do all those things. if it weren't for aaron's hard work and sacrifice, there's no way i would be able to spend the time i do with lil man, taking him here and there, or be able to live the lifestyle we do. guilty!

proud, see boast. guilty!

self-seeking, oh i'm good about making it look like aaron is being selfish when actually, i'm the one who is being selfish. rather then seeking out things for us, i'm so busy seeking things out for me. guilty!

easily angered, party of one, here! yup, i'm so quick to be angered by aaron. rather then take my own advice and counsel that i give everyone else, i'm the one who should be taking the deep breathes, taking a step back and seeing the big picture. guilty!

grudges, oh i have a mind sharp and ready to store any wrong-doing by aaron and can recall it when i need to. rather then recalling the good things, i've been so quick lately to recall the wrongs. guilty!

i'm so guilty of telling aaron, 'i hope this happens to you because you're not doing that.' how wrong! rather then accepting what he's doing, not wearing a coat when it's cold outside, i'm always quick to tell him the evil i hope comes to be, i hope you get sick. guilty!

truth. i'm so quick to question everything he says or to argue my point rather then just seeing the truth in the matter. guilty!

protects. aaron does so much to protect us. what do i do to protect us? sure i make sure lil man is protected, but as far as our marriage, what am i really doing to protect it? nothing. guilty!

trusts. see truth. guilty!

hope. recently it seems that i've just given up. rather then find the hope, the good in things to come for our marriage, i'm just looking forward to the break. rather then looking for growth, i'm looking for breaks. guilty!

perseveres. our marriage and our love will persevere. we do love each other. we said 'forever' and we will grow old together, sitting on our front porch on our rocking chairs still fussing at each other 80 years from now. guilty!

sure, there are a lot of things i'm guilty of and no, my hubby is not perfect either, he has his own set of guilties, but i know what i need to do, what i need to work on. now to communicate to him that we both have things to work on because we will make this marriage work. we're army strong! but more importantly, we're blessed by God and he's got a great plan and journey for us ahead!

i love you roommate

2010-01-15T21:52:00.000-07:00

i cried myself to sleep last night, in lil man's room.

for the last few days it's felt i'm sharing a house with my hubby as his roommate rather then being the love of his life, his wife, the one he longs to fall asleep next to at night and the first to see in the morning. ugh.

we're 7 months away from the deployment. he'll be gone for the next 20 days come next week. it's been over a year now since he came home. we did just finish up the holidays. the honda does have some dents in it that we're having taken care of via the insurance company. the workload at work did just kick it up twelve notches. but all of these excuses don't explain why i've been demoted to roommate.

i'm trying not to let me disrupte my day. i did mention it to him. it's just so hard to continue to be the one who carries this relationship. it's hard to be the one who's always being romantic. it's just hard. and don't get me wrong. my hubby is a wonderful man. he provides for us, he protects us, he puts us first, but i feel like 'us' as a couple is nelegected. just a ull of the military love story.

stopped in my tracks

2010-01-04T22:48:00.000-07:00

so i wanted to blog about my 'perfect 10' list for my perfect 2010, when all of sudden i was stopped in my tracks, doubled-over and forced to recognize that i need to slow down!

nothing like deciding whether to puke or poop in the toilet (sorry for the details) to make you realize that maybe God should do the planning and you should just listen. i was all excited about my list, in fact, i even put some of my '10's' in my weekly deployment check-in. but then sunday morning God's wreath was upon me, and well, i was shaken, not just from the chills, but reminded that i.am.not.in.control. i am merely on the path that God has laid before me and this journey has already been planned, booked, and packed for for me already (jeremiah 29:11).

so as i lay at the usafa's acute care clinic hooked up to an iv to pump me up with fluids again (funny how a morning of vomitting will drain you right up dry), i decided that my list of 10 needs to be reprioritized. and as i lay here, 24hrs after beginning my 'recovery,' i'm still waiting, and listening, and voling, about what order my list of 10 should be in or what really needs to on it.
here's what i've got so far:
1. recommit each day 10 minutes to just God and me
2. commit to heart 10 new verses
3. drop those last 10lbs
4. get 10 pedicures
5. read 10 new books
6. run the army 10 miler
7. make 10 new guinea connections
8. write 10 handwritten notes (and mail them)
9. take on 10 new projects
10. still haven't decided. any suggestions? i'm listening God. just no more bathroom moments, please

my handy man

2009-12-28T22:23:00.000-07:00

so we bought the house so we can finally make the changes we want, paint what we want, make the house our home. well, we bought the house nearly 3 months ago. and after moving twice in one year, i'm so ready to get some projects of my to-do list. but here is the problem, my handy man hubby isn't always the handiest nor the most movitated. see, when he's deployed or in the field, lil man and his tools and i tackle all the projects and knock them out. but since aaron came home, i've been trying to let go of my own 'handiness' and let him take on the projects.

well.... it's nearly been 3 months since we moved in and we FINALLY! have storage shelves in our garage so we can ALMOST park both cars in our 2 car garage which we specifically wanted since it snows here and it's rather cold at 5am in the morning when aaron leaves for pt. it did help that my unlce and florida dad have been itching to do some 'man projects.' so, today was a day of 'man projects' and i couldn't be more thrilled! we have storage shelves in the garage AND the light in the fyer works!

now if only i could get him (them) to install those flood lights my hubby insisted we needed (and i want)...

i'm dreaming of a white christmas...

2009-12-25T23:21:00.000-07:00

and lots of family and laughs and memories. we got our white christmas and my lil brother made it to town and then my mum and then to top it off, my florida dad showed up! and then my taunte i haven't seen in over 10 years is coming tomorrow! talk about a house full! but it makes for great times! and wonderful memories and lots of warm fuzzies.

this christmas we have truly been blessed. between aaron actually being home, for a christmas in december, and him being home for a little longer, and house full of family for the holidays, when i sit and make a list of all of our blessings, i could fill a notebook. from little moments like cayman sleeping through the night to aaron taking me out the other night for a real date to our beautiful new home we own, we've got so much to be thankful for this year. it's amazing how the little things, like the birth of a child thousands of years ago or a simple text message from my hubby, can change the course of someone's life.

may your year end with many simple little blessings that leave 2009 with a smile.

it took me 5.5 miles to realize it

2009-12-18T23:31:00.000-07:00

it took me running 5.5 miles on the treadmill tuesday to realize, 'hello! God doesn't think you're ready to have another child yet!' duh! i'm not down to my weight goal, we're in a good financial place, but could be more comfortable, we still have little stresses in our marriage we need to work on, and hello, we have a few more months as just the three of us.

so, as disappointed as i was about not getting pregnant this month, God has a better plan for us, for me. there are so many things he has put on my pathway and i need to take advantage of all of these blessings and when i get to the bridge with a new addition for our family, because i've walked the path set before me, i will be ready, we will be ready, the journey will be right. so, i pray for strength, for patients, for understanding, for the blessings to continue to be laid before us (and you too). thanks for all the love and support!

disappointed

2009-12-14T22:01:00.000-07:00

so there are tons that can disappoint you, but when it comes to your body, there are just a few things: weight problems, a blemish on your face and then your body just not wanting to cooperate with your plans.

back in september i had my iud taken out. we had decided that it was time to start trying for another addition to the family. i knew that it would be trying, with hormones that don't always cooperate, and knew we were also working with a deployment deadline.

we have a tentative deployment time frame, so we knew that this was the month. well, my hormones played a cruel joke on us. with my aunt flow making a delayed entry, having us hoping that maybe i was baking a bun and aaron had a chance of being home for the birth. well, no such luck. but, not to give up, and deployment time frames are always shifting. but, there is now a greater chance i'll be delivering via webcam so aaron can be part of that special moment. we're not giving up, we're really wanting to grow our family and feel that this is the time, just waiting on God to bless us. it is a crushing blow, but we have faith that when the time is right, God will provide.

there are no lines on the road!

2009-12-12T22:19:00.001-07:00

so this past week we had our first real major snow. it was great! and i'm a little sad now that most of it has turned to dirty slush and begun to melt away. but just like frosty the snowman, the snow shall return.

now never being stationed anywhere north of ft. polk, la, snow has never been a driving factor for us, or our florida honda. yes, our honda is a florida honda, complete with florida license plates and adverse liking to the cold at times. so, i had to take honda in for her oil change and 'first snow' check up. all good now.

but here's what i observed as i cautiously drove through the blowing snow turned frozen over twice ice and now slush, when the white stuff starts falling, there are no lines on the road and this apparently all driving regulations go out the window with the blowing snow! seriously! i've never seen so many blunt drivers just blowing through red lights, ones they clearly could have sold down for. i've never seen so many drivers just driving where ever. sure, the early morning poor souls who had to make the paths were guessing, but by now, when nearly all the snow is cleared from the roads, you no longer can just drive where ever, you actually how to try to drive within the faint lines on the road. it's craziness!

sheer craziness i tell you! but how many times in our lives do we drive down the road of life, making our own rules up, disregarding the faint lines put on our path to guide us?

i'll be home for christmas

2009-12-08T15:19:00.000-07:00

i'll be home for christmas, bring him home santa, when are you coming home, all i want for christmas, a soldier's silent night, and the list goes on.

as we, lil man and i, were baking cookies today, we danced around the kitchen to our favorite christmas songs on the radio. all happy and joyful, and then came on "i'll be home for christmas." i started singing along as i had to all the previous songs. and as i realized what was coming from my mouth, i stopped, i stared out our son and tears started in the inner corners of my eyes. i pulled my lips in and bit down. then cayman said, 'momma?' confused to why i had stopped dropping cookies on the bake sheet, confused to why i had started dancing, confused to why i had stopped singing, confused to why i was starting to cry.

it's amazing how a group of words with a melody could stop you in your tracks. sure, there are other songs that get me at any time of the year, but this time of year is especially hard, even with aaron home. until he gets out of the army, i know there's going to be a good chance that every other or even two christmases, aaron will not be home. i never imagined for a moment that having him home would be as difficult as having him gone.

sure, i get to fall asleep at night next to him and i wake up to him getting ready for pt. and sure he sits across the table from me as we eat dinner. and sure we hold hands as we drive as a family somewhere. but, when i think of how great it is to spend all of this time together, i have it in the back of my mind how next year we'll be doing this long-distance, again. and i know, it's the life we chose. but how do i brace myself to tell our son next summer that daddy won't be home for the year?

well power and self control

2009-12-05T23:34:00.000-07:00

i have 8 bags, yes 8 bags, of chocolate chips sitting on my kitchen counter. usually by this time of year all my cookies would have been baked, packed and en route to the middle east. but this year, they're staying here, well rather going to work just down the road. and it's taking all of my will power not to start snacking on those yummy chocolate chips.

there are times i seriously question if there really is any ounce of self-control in me. i know what the scale says, i know how my jeans fit, i know where i'm suppose to be and how things are suppose to fit, and yet, i give in. i feel so weak. i can do a million different other things that make me 'strong,' but when it comes to what goes in my mouth, oh good heavens, i have a layered-cake-worth of excuses and then some.

so, i know where i'm suppose to be and how things are suppose to fit. and i'm determined to get back there. heck, i lost all of my pregnancy weight while aaron as deployed, so i know i can lose these last few pounds. i've started a monthly challenge, walk, run, or crawl x amount of miles in the month. and i have agreed to run or at least train for a 1/2 marathon for the spring with a fellow army wife. and i vow that come the spring formal, my dress will fit more comfortably, if not need a little taking in.

i've got in me, i know i can do it. a healthy life is a must for this lifestyle we live as army wives.

breath of fresh air

2009-12-02T22:47:00.000-07:00

my blackberry, or crackberry as aaron calls it, vibrated late sunday night. who in their right mind is sending me an email this late? well, it's my super busy frg leader/ shoulder to lean on/ babysitter on the drop of a hat, emailing me about some upcoming events. rubbing my sleepy yet unable to sleep eyes i glare at the screen waiting for my eyes to focus.

man, am i glad i let me eyes focus. apparently somewhere in all my busy-ness everywhere but on post, i missed the posting for a super great conference just for spouses. apparently these two crazy army spouses were coming our way and wanted to drop all these resources on us along with some laughs and stories from their military life. it's free, they're providing child care and they're feeding us. i'm game! so, at o'clock in the middle of the night i'm tapping away on the crackberry registering, only to be waitlisted! boo! but wait, the crackberry vibrated again bright in the morning and my monday started off with sunshine; confirmed to attend!

i'm so glad i actually was able to attend the army wife network's 'field exercise' conference for spouses. besides collecting 8 new ball pens, eating divine bon bons from the cookie brigade, and getting a break from my everyday life, i laughed with other army wives, i shared some of our stories and i even teared up a little. i met me, a few more years down the road, too.

i've been wondering lately what my purpose really is. i have a bachelors in public relations and a masters in elementary education. i have a toddler. i have a husband gearing up to deploy again. i have a home, our home, ours. i have the daily chores of a domesticated engineer (sounds so much fancier then housewife). i have my volunteer posts. but what i've been wondering is where will this all take me? what does God have up his sleeve for me?

so as i sat there listening and sharing and even playing 'Vanna white,' i saw a glimpse of what i want to do. i want to inspire, i want to encourage, i want to share with other military spouses not just our stories, but the stories of my friends, my sisters, strangers who crossed my path, and the resources that are out there, just for us, that many of us didn't even know existed. so, when i grow up, i want to be tara crooks (star was super great too, but us brunettes have to stick together!).

recipe for a bittersweet casserole

2009-11-26T00:31:00.000-07:00

it's a recipe for a bittersweet moment: thanksgiving with your husband on 2.5yrs, your son, first time ever in three calendar years, a deployment next year. in the three years that aaron and i have been together, NEVER once have we celebrated thanksgiving and christmas according to the calendar without duffle bags being packed or being unpacked.

in 2o06 aaron was stuck in afghanstain trying to make it home and missed our first thanksgiving by a week. in 2007 he was home for thanksgiving with his duffle bags packed and heading to iraq 5 days later. in 2008 aaron was in iraq. in 2009, he's home for both thanksgiving and christmas. in 2010, he'll be back in iraq for thanksgiving and christmas.

it's the story of our life and well, when you consider what thanksgiving and christmas are really about, it doesn't matter the date on the calendar, but being together with your loved ones. so, though we'll wake and watch the macy's thanksgiving parade and stuff ourselves with home-made, love-filled yummy dishes and put up the christmas tree, and it's actually thanksgiving across the united states and there are no packed duffle bags in the house, it doesn't matter because everyday is a day for giving thanks and making love-filled yummy casseroles. bittersweet as it may be.

2006: our thanksgiving, in december2007: our turkey was just 5 wks old. 5 days later aaron deployed to iraq for 14 months

2008: we did a florida thanksgiving with oma & opa and then a ft. polk thanksgiving with all of our 'deployed' family

dear oprah, 2000 characters is not enough

2009-11-19T21:28:00.000-07:00

so oprah is looking for real army wives. cool! i'm game for going to chicago, never been before, and tell america what a real army wife's glamorous life is all about, hardly anything i've seen on the lifetime show 'army wives.' so i wrote this great essay, and not saying that because i wrote it, but it was a great 2000 word essay, not a 2000 character essay, including spaces. so, i had to widdle it down, and well, i might be watching that show from my comfy couch.

so, oprah, if you're reading this, this is what a real essay, 2000 words, would look like:

i don't own a 'hump bar' or any other business. i don't recent my husband's job, what i don't nor will ever know about it, or the fact that his career will always come before mine. i have never, nor will i ever cheat on my husband. i'm not the perfect army wife, but i am a real army wife.

as each day passes, i can tell you exactly how many more until my husband deploys for the his fourth time. each night i lay awake because my anxiety keeps my mind racing, worrying what i'll do if i become 'one of them.' i've heard taps played twice, watched the folded flag be laid in the arms of friends and clutched our son tightly as the smoke cleared from the 21-gun salute. nothing can prepare you to comfort a friend and their family when their life has been shattered, not even the care team training.

i started writing a blog, survivingmydeployment.blogspot.com, to clear my head and somewhere along the way i collected stories from my sisters, my pillars of strength that i now pass on to those who walk in our shoes for the first time. each week i type away on my blackberry a check-up for those, many i've never met, who are currently surviving a deployment. all little things i wish someone had done for me. and yet things you can't prepare yourself for until you're there, in their shoes.

in the three short years we've been together, we've spent more times apart then together. this will be the first year that we actually celebrate every holiday between labor day and valentine's day according to the calendar without having to send a single flat rate box. sure, it's a life we knew we'd have. heck, we spent 12 hours on our first date talking about it. but nothing can prepare you for this life. how do you prepare to change your wedding date because 'duty called?' how do you enjoy your pregnancy knowing that 5 weeks later the first-time dad will miss the next 15 months of your son's life? how do you prepare to handle the changes you all will experience?

you can't prepare for this life, but you can get up each day and make the most of it. between balancing a daily schedule that involves play dates for our 2 yr old, household chores, frg meetings, and just living, i struggle, but i'm learning to deal. and even after taking every class offered about ptsd and suicide, nothing can prepare you for it until it's at your doorstep. but you learn to deal, because even though he changed, you changed too and i can't stop loving him.

as the minutes tick away, you try hard not to cry. you smile, you post for what could be your last pictures together. you just become numb. you watch him board the white bus with the rest of his soldiers in the midst of the cool night and watch them drive away, praying it won't be the last time you see him alive. and then you clutch to your phone for the next three days praying for any word from him. if you're fortunate enough, he'll pass through bangor, maine, and maybe they snapped a picture of him as the was greeted by those amazing veterans and americans. until he reaches his destination, i'm a mess, on the inside. you build a routine, you keep busy, and you avoid the news at all cost. between the last 'good-bye' and 'i'll be seeing you in my dreams tonight,' you keep his words echoing in your head, 'it's just a few months out of a lifetime.'

as the weeks pass and you've built the routine, you countdown until r&r, making plans, picking out the perfect outfit, and planning a surprise a the airport for him. the next 18 days fly by way too fast. i don't think i've ever taken that many pictures of them, my husband and our son, in their entire short time together. and then comes one of the hardest days ever, you have to take him back to the airport and watch him leave, again. and what made it harder this time around is our 7-month-old son standing at the terminal window crying as we watch his plane taxi away. i cried for over an hour in the car that day. then begins the countdown again, this time to homecoming.

finally you cling to the phone again, counting down the hours, praying the sandstorms don't delay their flight, again. you wait in the crowded gym with the air stuffy, filled with excitement and sadness, knowing that some of those you send off won't be coming home, not this way. the doors finally fling open, a roar comes over all of you and you finally see his scruffy face with his over-grown fro under his patrol cap. he runs toward you, you throw your arms around him, squishing your now 15-month-old son, and not noticing the horrible smell of 3-day unbathendedness. on the inside i've been praying our son would take to him quickly. at first, it seemed like we would have a long struggle, but by bath time that night, it seems like they picked up right where they left off. and then begins the reintegration.

he reads parents magazine in between suicide briefings and psychological screenings. as he's learning everyday how to be a father, he also struggles with isolating himself from us, knowing that in a short time he will be deploying again, leaving us alone again with only a webcam and care packages to stay in touch. it's tough, giving back all those responsibilities you had to take on during the deployment. while we try to get comfortable with the idea of being a 'family,' it's overwhelming, trying to give him more control again and yet giving him all the time he needs to take on those responsibilities. we moved shortly, twice, after my husband returned after his last deployment, adding a heap of stress that others didn't have to take on.

over time i too isolate, or rather make myself so busy, that i don't have time to feel the pain or the anxiety anymore. i cry in the shower nearly everyday. sometimes i take my valium and precicot, prescribed for my back injury, to help me sleep. i waited for months to see a mental health specialist; partially afraid that my 'weakness' would hinder my husband's progress, mentally and professionally, and partially because i was just 'too busy.' it's ironic, my air force family provider was the one who noticed my anxiety and referred me, 10 months after my husband had come home.

my husband and i aren't the only ones struggling. our 2 yr old son cries each morning, clinging to my husband's leg as he leaves for work, convinced that today might be the day he leaves again to return to the webcam. i would expect him to experience separation anxiety with me, i'm the one constant in his life thus far. when we're on post, he 'searches' every uniform for daddy. we visit my husband at work at least once a week to have lunch with him, each time ending with a few tears in our son's eyes and a face of anxiety and wonderment, will this be the last time. the sound of taps, backfire, and even fireworks scare our son more then the average toddler.

it's not an easy life. it's not a life you can prepare for. it's not a life that most 27 yr olds live, but it's our life. we're the fortunate ones. we have an amazing support unit that we've surrounded ourselves with. between our parents, all with prior service to the military as either soldiers, spouses or civilian contractors, our siblings who are our leaning posts, and our best friends who call me out of the blue every few weeks to make sure we're okay when my husband is deployed. i have also sought out encouragement and strength from my online friends, nearly all who i've never met, but never let me down when i need encouragement. it's the support unit that has helped us through all of the deployment cycles. and without them, you're setting yourself up for a failure, for more struggles then you need.

so i may never make it on the cover military spouses magazine or sit before congress and speak on the behalf of all my sisters-in-arms, but the little things i do make me a real army wife with real struggles and real moments that shine.

amazing grace, how sweet and yet somber

2009-11-10T13:37:00.000-07:00

as i watched the memorial today, the words of the president and the chaplain and the sounds of the 21 gun salute rang in my ears and in my heart. and as i watch the families of the 13 killed for selfish reasons, i pray no more families have to collapse in tears and pain from senseless acts of out crying for help.

i watched the wife of one of the soldiers killed collapse in the arms of her causality officer. i watched the father of a daughter and his unborn grandchild kiss her picture. i watched as a soldier on crutches used all his strength to salute and honor those who have gone before him.

as we approach this veterans' day, all i can think is 'history truly does repeat itself.' my mum made the case that similar outcries for help happened after vietnam and desert storm. have two previous wars and countless waves of veterans with memories of things no one should ever have to see or experience not taught us anything? how many more outcries must there be for our society to realize that life is too precious to waste? too precious too wait on others to fix what's broken? too precious not to value and sustain.

may God be with those families and those who in the coming months will receive the dreaded knock on their doors by officers in their dress uniforms. may God be with those who have seen and experienced things at the cost of freedom and protection.

helloooo hot mess!

2009-11-09T20:49:00.000-07:00

do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and go, 'whoa sista, you are one hot mess!'? i feel like today was one of those days. between not sleeping well lately, battling this back re-injury, and this past week's craziness at ft. hood, i feel like i should have a flashing sign about my head 'hot mess' and a box of tissues.

and to be perfectly honest, i don't know where all it comes from. sure the loss of life is a tough thing for me to deal with. and yes, anything military reminds me of the impending deployment, and sure, the lack of sleep can't be helping nor can the back pain, but come on. isn't God suppose to be there with me, carrying me? not that i'm complaining, too loudly, but this is some majorly thick sand and i'm trudging on at full speed with my heels on, but not my running shoes, with what seems like a mini-sized world on my back along with our toddler, life in general and three huge suitcases of emotional baggage.

maybe it's all a wake call. hello jackie! this is your life and you do have two choices: would you like to admit you need help after you get your big girl panties on or would you like to continue to try and tackle it all and continue to pick the wedgie out of your rear because you refuse to buy bigger panties?

i'm opting for the help. i'm diving back, okay, crawling back into my time with just God and praising Him and then asking for the help i need. and well, as cute as those tiny like pink brand undies are from victoria secrets, they just aren't made for my lovely humps. so on with the big girl panties, still in with cute print of course, and on to my rock where i know i will find the strength i need. and off to the mental health specialist.

yes, the mental health specialist. it's a woman, she's from mid-west america and seems very level-headed with no poor reviews in the past. i figure she's air force, so she should be a little saver (small joke, sorry, it's how i cope).

weeping may endure for the night, but with the morning comes great joy psalms 30:5

we're home!

2009-10-31T14:14:00.000-06:00

the house has become a home, we've survived two 'blizzards,' we're feeling out our surrounding and settling in. we still have some things to settle on our list: locating a church home, putting away the small things here and there, put up flood lights, manage the yard, but all in good time.

each time i walk from the honda around the corner and past the american flag with it's yellow ribbon and up the two front steps to our door, and then turn the key, this pride, joy, happiness comes over me: we're homeowners and it's our home! yes, we're paying the man for the next 30 years, but we will manage (we did research and made sure we could). but when you walk in, we've been told you can feel the warmth, the love that encompasses our home. and that's what we wanted.

sure, i know in a matter of time we'll be in the garage sorting through gear, hiding little love notes in each duffel, and counting down the hours until we live under two very different roofs, but that's part of 'us' and our life. and well, when that time comes, we'll still have our home, on happy jack drive, and we'll survive, because that's what we do. knowing that no matter how high God piles on the potatoes and lemons, he will bring out the peeler and the squeezer and help us make the most of it and come out with something super delicious that was worth it all.

pictures just don't do the home justice, so you'll just have to come visit!

the office: his side

the office: her side (one day it'll be the nursery)

cayman's room: complete with sleeping cayman

eat-in kitchen

the kitchen:

the master bedroom: small, but just right

the master bathroom: small, but larger then we've had in the past

the living room: gallery wall

mud room/ family tree:

the men's cave: basement

the hallway in basement: full bath for guests on left and laundry room in hide-away on right

cayman's part of the men's cave:

helloooo 4th id!

2009-10-22T20:50:00.001-06:00

so i found aaron's office today. rather depressing, but it could be from all the bare walls and huge stacks of paper (seriously couldn't see over them). i did bring him a picture frame with our picture in it, just so he can remember what we look like and so those who come to bring him more work can see what they are keeping him from. also bumped into the frsa and the frg leader. made sure they knew i was ready and willing to help (i refuse to have a slacker frg or no family functions just because we have 800 single soldiers in the battalion).

it's one of those tough things. you walk into a frg meeting and you know everyone is looking at you thinking, 'who is she?' and well, it doesn't help that my first frg meeting with 4th id will be a halloween costume party. great! i hadn't planned on dressing up this year. and now i'm raking my brain trying to figure out the most appropriate halloween costume: hi! i'm the new s-2's wife. i'm serious, but fun. committed but laid back. i bake for the guys in the office every two weeks. i'm a stay at home mom who's always on the go with our toddler. yes, find me a costume that gives off that vibe but is still fun, light-hearted and i can throw together in a week.

what i have seen of 4th id has left me with mixed feelings. i know, i need to swallow the pill and follow my own advice (be open-minded and make the most of it), but come on. aaron came home last thursday from in-processing/ working (hadn't even finished in-processing and already he was slammed with work), and told me the unit was having some type of organizational day (code for mandatory fun day, USUALLY). so, i told him i'd make a dessert and meet him at the park when he got a break from in-processing. well, we show up. and man, it was organized, and it seemed fun for those involved, but it was not your standard 'family' fun day. it was rather a soldiers' field day. softball, football, volleyball and basketball tournaments. that's it. no chalk, no bubbles, no inflatable, nothing but the playground that just happen to be at the park for the kids. not happy.

and then there's this 'christmas' party. well, it's definitely not a 'family' shindig. at 6pm at the resort. $30 a head (because of aaron's rank). dress code spelled out for you. we're going, aaron doesn't want to , but we need to go. cayman will be spending the evening with my aunt and uncle (so glad we have family here). just waiting to seeing if there will be a family christmas party. waiting, and waiting and hoping i'll be proven wrong. yes jackie, there is a dstb family christmas party.

until then, i'm trying to remain open-minded and not too eager to be involved, but it's me. and to me, family is important. more to come i'm sure.

now more then ever

2009-10-10T22:48:00.000-06:00

so i don't know if i'm pregnant and hormonal or if it's the fact that we just bought a house or the matter that last weekend 9 soldiers from ft. carson were killed in action or just the mess in my head, but now more then ever, i find myself tearing up at the smallest things, dreading the upcoming deployment more and questioning God's reasoning more. it's crazy, this isn't me. this isn't my potential. this isn't how it was suppose to be.

maybe before i was naive or maybe just ignorant, or just too Innocent and faithful. but as time has ticked by and we've been blessed with everything we thought we could really ever want, i find myself dreading it, dreading the blessings, dreading the things to come.

and as i sit here, i can't help but think tim tebow got it right and it was the whole purpose of me watching the game: 1 Thess. 5:18. i want to give thanks. i have so much to be thankful for. i know we could be in much worse circumstances in life. so as i give thanks, why can't i be joyful about it? why must dread linger in the distance shadowing the amazing things God has done for us?

i give thanks for so many things; my loving husband, our beautiful son, a roof over our head and food on our table, for loving family and friends and their support, for a country where we have been given so many opportunities, for the challenges that have made us stronger and much more.

we're 'normal'

2009-09-21T22:00:00.000-06:00

so we hit a major 'make it or break it' point this past weekend. never before has moving been so stressful. but this time around, the sooner we get to our new house, the sooner we know aaron will deploy. in the past, when we moved from mac dill to ft. polk, we had NO clue aaron would be deploying a few weeks after we unpacked our boxes. when we moved from ft. polk to ft. huachuca, we knew aaron would be in school for five months. now moving from ft. huachuca to ft. carson, though there is much excitement surrounding this move, we KNOW aaron will be deploying in the near future (sorry, i can't tell you nor do we know for sure). well, this has made this move all but tolerable up until the other day.

with the lingering thought of aaron leaving again, and still struggling to release my tight grasp on EVERYTHING, i had a complete meltdown and we hit heads completely head on. between the tears, the fears and 'pissy' behavior, we apparently have become 'normal' according to all the military garb out there about the 'normal' army couple nowadays.

but here's what sets us apart from the rest of the 'normal' couples in those write-ups: as we sat on the bathroom floor crying and blabbing about how we will make it through this, we figured out what are 'problem' is: i don't want to release my stronghold on EVERYTHING because i know aaron will be leaving again, leaving me to take on EVERYTHING again on my own. and with this inability to let go and being OVERLY critical of everything aaron does, I have created this horrible, heavy, cumbersome burden for myself.

so, as we sat there deciding we were not going to just be 'normal' and strive to be 'us,' i sat there rolling around in my head the idea of letting going though i know it will only be for a short time. but, that's our life, it's us, it's the life we chose together and knew we were getting into. so, as we sit in the middle of our house full of boxes and ready to make the 822 mile drive north knowing that in a few months aaron will be boarding a plane to fly some 8,922 miles across the world to protect and define what's right with 'us,' we're just going to be 'us' and not worry about being 'normal.' because that's what God has blessed us with and we'll take it!

we all have it

2009-09-15T22:24:00.000-06:00

we all have it. if you've been through a deployment, you have it. it's a matter of how you deal with it that sets you apart from the rest. heck, any separation from your loved one(s), regardless of the time frame, is tough on the body, mind and soul, but when you add in the news media, the missed holidays and watching your kids grow up via a webcam, one can hardly believe you wouldn't have it. and even if you don't think you have it, you have it, you're just denying yourself. and that makes it even worse. but, once again, what sets you apart from the rest is what you do with it once you accept that you have it.

i'm talking about ptsd. post traumatic stress disorder. it's not a disorder really. and you can have pre traumatic stress too. overall, it's a strain on you, on your overall well-being, on your self, on your emotions, your mind, your spirit and your soul. but, knowing that you're not the only one with it and that plenty go on with their everyday life as 'normal' and 'normal' can be, there is hope.

aaron did his 'clearing' from his course this week and i guess part of his clearing required a post-psych evaluation. apparently they wanted to make sure the course didn't make him go batty (too late). well, he came home and said, 'hmm... turns out i have mild ptsd.' i know this going to sound harsh, but i wasn't surprised. i kinda just brushed it off. for months i've known. i knew even before he came home. i knew i had it before he even got on a plane to redeploy home to us finally. however, there was a difference between then and now. just because i knew didn't make it okay. knowing now because he told me himself makes it okay, for both of us.

i don't love him any less. i'm not scared of him. but hearing him say he has ptsd just makes me feel that he has come to grasp the full affects of this last deployment and everything that happened. as we wrapped our heads around it (not much wrapping to do on my end), he received his new assignment and a tentative deployment timeline. this time only 12 months, but another round of separation and wear and tear on the mind, body and soul.

ps, but with strength, we'll get through this too. for nothing is greater then what He is will to help us through. i love you

happy jackie on happy jack drive

2009-09-04T16:18:00.000-06:00

so i know, and you know, life gets crazy, your plate gets full and suddenly it's a month later and the world out there has no clue where you've been or what's happened. well, i'm here, i've been busy, but i'm back! so much has happened in the last month (no baby though, lots of practice, but no baby made, yet). when God blesses you, you better have your cup ready and a backup near by!

we've received our official orders and are plans to become the newest family to move to ft. carson come the end of the month. for a while it looked as if aaron would be assigned to a unit leaving in early 2010, but for now, it looks like he'll be the new s-2 of division! no official timeline yet as far as deployments, but later looks better then sooner.

and since we'll be enjoying the mountain views and cooler weather, we figured we may as well have somewhere to call 'home.' so, lil man and i spent last week working with an awesome realtor (thanks usaa!) and looked at what seemed like a million houses. when aaron flew up for the weekend we looked at just the top 5 and picked one to make ours. well, as much as you would hope that everyone in this world would be as honest and trustworthy as yourself, the seller wasn't very forthcoming about the mysterious structural damage. so, sunday we were back to square one and a tight deadline (aaron flew back down sunday evening). well, in a matter of a few hours we found our second #1. happy jack drive is home to a cute little 2-story with a fully finished basement. and come the end of the month, we'll be making it our home!

that's the skinny on the recent passed weeks. more to come though from my trip to nashville for my bestest's wedding and lil man and mine's visit with the family back east. stay tuned. oh how i've missed y'all!

ps, i love you! even if you won't let me paint our bedroom pink

i've got the fever and it's triple digits

2009-08-06T15:52:00.000-06:00

so i didn't expect to catch the fever so soon or so strongly, but i've got it, and unfortunately, not everyone in our house has caught it. cayman caught it and is excited about it, but aaron not so much. he worries about the stresses and the financial side effects of the fever rather then the many other effects of this fever that are much more long lasting.

the fever that is running its course is the baby fever. even cayman has it. we ask him if he wants a baby or a dog and he says baby. we ask him if he wants a dog or a baby and he says, baby. and well, as much as i thought i'd be immune to the fever for a while longer, the timing is actually good, in my perspective. in aaron's eyes, this couldn't come at a more trying time. we both have good pros and cons, but i feel like i'm compromising more for him then he is for me.

aaron's reasons first. yes, we're planning on buying our very first home when we get to ft. carson, so it's a big financial step. however, we get bah every month to pay the mortgage. yes, we'll probably have to buy a fridge and a few other things, but with 6 months interest free, we can afford it. and the baby won't be due for 9 months. and then he's worried about stressing me out while he is deployed and leaving us here. well, i survived one deployment with cayman when he was an infant. grant it, i moved home with my parents who worked everyday and i finished my masters with a 3.93 gpa, but we were fine and i was fine. sure, having a toddler and an infant will be a lot to handle on top of a house that we own, but i'm pretty confident that with the support of my aunt and uncle and friends already in the area, we'll be just fine. plus, if we have the baby before aaron deploys, he can help get cayman and i into a routine with the baby and he'll be doing so many trainings prior to deploying that will be like practice for the real thing. i do feel like there may be more reasons to his hesitation too.

my reasons are more from the maternal point of view. first of all, i don't want the kids to be too far apart in age. the further apart, the great gap and more running for activities we (me) will have to do. also, the greater chance they'll never be at the same school. second, if we have the baby before aaron deploys, he can be home for the birth, the first few weeks (if not months) and we can all get adjusted together before he leaves. plus, he has no clue what to do between 5wks and 15 months for infants, so it's okay, i won't have to teach him. plus, by the time he deploys, cayman, baby and i would be in a routine of things and be just fine. third, if we wait until his r&r, what if i'm not even ovulating! and then there's the whole pressure of doing it and it's just too much stress. plus, if the baby is born shortly after aaron gets home, i'll be reintegrating him and cayman and myself again and then throwing a baby into the mix and most likely then we'll be pcsing and have to deal with the house (to sell or to rent). i'm tired of moving the THREE HUGE rubber maid boxes of cayman's clothes and all of the big baby toys. if we're not going to be trying soon, i'm giving it all away. plus, if we aren't going to be trying soon, no need for a 4 bedroom home, 3 bedrooms will be just fine. plus, the longer we wait, the longer i'm out of the classroom. don't get me wrong, i love being home with cayman, the best student i've ever had, but i hate that i worked my butt off to get my masters and now i'm not really using it. we have agreed that i would stay with the kids until they are in school, fine, but how much longer must i wait. and finally, cayman can't seem to keep his hands off the babies. every time he sees a baby, he goes over, rubs its feet, tickles its belly and goes, 'shhhh. baby.' come on. the kid is itching for a little brother or sister.

update: we've agreed that mirena can come out as soon as i'm down to 145lbs! guess who's working her tail off, literally!

because it's his duty

2009-07-14T22:44:00.000-06:00

so i'm all caught up on army wives from the last few sundays. and we've submitted our assignment list. and now as i sit here at my laptop, it's all coming together. sometime in the next year or so, i'll help him pack his duffel bags, hide little love notes in his gear, make our weekly trips to the post office and bravely wear a strong face because it's his duty.

as we filled out the assignment list, we checked each unit's deployment rotation. based on this info, we made our list. well, okay, we also used determining factors like actual location and distance to family and friends as factors too. the reality is, i know based on the list, there is a very strong possibility that aaron will go again. and just as much as i don't want him to go, i also know that he can't advance his career nor can he fulfill his service and personal need to serve without doing this tough duty.

how many other employers require their employees to willing throw themselves in the face of danger (okay, police and fire fighters) at a moments notice when we become involved in a conflict. sure, aaron could have resigned his rotc scholarship and never joined the army, but he would have not fulfilled his civic duty. and as emotionally draining as it is, i feel the same way about being his wife.

so, as we await the orders for our next duty station and plot out the timeline for trying for #2, the thought continues to linger in the back of my mind. with each training and with each assignment, we're one step closer again to saying 'good bye, God's speed. i love you and i'll wait for you.'

half way there

2009-07-09T15:15:00.000-06:00

so we're laying in the bed at the condo over the weekend up here in phoenix. and after a long, but amazing day at the grand canyon (if you haven't seen the pics yet on facebook, you're missing out) aaron rolls over (but ever so carefully not to smooch cayman who was laying between us) and says, 'what's today? the 5th, right? it's been six months since i came home.' and then, in the midst of enjoying our time i had a feeling of dread again. we're half way through our year's dwell time.

we'll know a little more about when and where we will be spending the rest of our dwell time soon. we do know, depending on aaron's assignment, we could be packing his duffel bags again sometime next year. but, we knew this and it's part of our life. but it's hard to imagine, how could this time go by so fast? where did the time go? is there anyway to slow time down, just a little? but, i know i have the strength and the support i need to make it through the next deployments.

seriously!

2009-06-26T15:42:00.000-06:00

so, i don't know if this has ever happened to you, but you walk into a military function, meeting, coffee, gathering of spouses, and within 32.4 seconds they have sized you up and made their minds up about you because of your appearance and your husband's rank. not that this has happened recently since we're at captain's career course, but it's something that sticks with me anytime in meet someone new, military or not. i'm not one to size you up before you open your mouth and send a little time with me, but i do wonder while we're getting to know each other, have you already sized me up?

i had a serious problem with this at our last duty station. yes, we don't look our age (i'm 27 and aaron will be 27 in october). and no, we don't dress beyond our comforts. so, most of the times it's jeans, a t-shirt from the gap or american eagle and flip flops for me. yes, i don't spend time on my hair or make-up, but i do keep goody's in business with the gillizion rubber bands i buy and bare minerals was made for me. and to be honest, that's it. that's as good as it gets. i do own the nicer clothes from my teaching days (upper elementary), but come on, i'm a mom. i roll on the ground, i chase cayman up and down the slides, i run errands and keep a clean house. so, yes, my appearance may not come across as someone who holds a bachelors and a masters and has sat in the company of senators and rocket scientists and athletes, but come on! are you serious! i've got a few skills that would knock your socks off (but not in that way) and i can hold my own, thank you very much. and another thing, i don't wear a rank. the last time i checked, my husband wore the uniform (until he comes home and then he's right into comfy clothes and dad/husband mode).

i feel like maybe sometimes i do need to wear some labels and my resume` just to make sure that when you're sizing me up, you get all of me in your measurements. but then again, those who waste their time sizing everyone up miss the true person and usually miss the opportunity to meet a great person that God has put in their life.

ps, there is much more to sizing you up that meets the eye. i love you!

my husband, his dad

2009-06-21T00:00:00.001-06:00

can you believe it, we're celebrating our second father's day already, and aaron's actually home to celebrate with us, on the actual calendar date! i have to catch my breathe everytime i think about where he was for his first father's day: returning from r&r to iraq to finish up his 15 month deployment. cayman was just 8 months old, but i remember him sitting on the bed in our condo the day after aaron left again and just stairing at his 'daddy cheetha' (the build-a-bear aaron made him with a voice recording) and searching for aaron. they've come a long way! from father and son for the first time to father and son via the webcam and home-made movies to father and son who play 'choo choo' and lego together and have their own special bath time routine! my heartbreaks knowing that aaron will eventually have to return to the father via the webcam and home-made movies. but, it's the life we chose and the life we live and we're blessed to have this moment. happy father's day to the guy who borrows my parents magazine so he can be an even better father then he already is! i love you and so does cayman!

my playlist as i spiral

2009-06-18T18:52:00.000-06:00

it's amazing how God makes sure you hear the songs you need to hear. it's like no matter where you are, the grocery store, driving in the car, running errand, he makes sure you hear what you need to hear.

as i watch the world around me, i feel like 'me' is trapped as i feel my whole world spiraling out of control. you wouldn't really be able to guess it from my outward appearance, still smiling, still pleasant, still keeping everything pulled together, but on the inside, it's a whole other side. it's like i'm 'going through the motions' (borrowed from matthew west) of life, going on playdates, running, keeping house, running errands, but on the inside, i'm all but going through it, i'm falling apart. i feel like i'm 'fading, crumbling' (borrowed from chris tomlin), letting the lines blur. i feel like i can't find my 'sanctuary' (borrowed from steven curtis chapman) where i can calm myself, collect myself, and re-energize myself.

i feel that if i can't get a grasp on myself, i won't be able to get a hold of cayman. it's been a tough week with him. i know there is no such thing as the 'terrible twos' (because we're there already and he's only 20 months old). but this week has been tough. and to be honest, it's my fault. i feel like my falling apart on the inside is causing him to fall apart. when did i lose myself and let it start affecting our child?

(un)fortunately i'm good at hiding it and putting on the face and doing the things i'm suppose to do. aaron has no clue. and to be honest, i don't want him to know. he has enough to worry about; class, the interviews for company command, us. and i feel like it's my duty as the wife, as the mother, as the army wife to pull myself together and carry on. it's a stigma. and well, God, i can't do it without you. labels and stigmas aside, i hear the music and i get it! now help me find myself, my sanctuary, me again, please.

ps, i love you and i don't want you worrying, you are doing so much already.

labels

2009-06-14T00:46:00.000-06:00

so i was driving home today after a lovely day in tucson with my super mommy friend and deployment buddy, taylor. we had some girl time: got our toes some lovin and had a yummy lunch and great conversation. and i even got to meet her hubby (he's real, not photo shopped like many suspected). as i was making the drive home, i was enjoying some artist confidential on the xm radio; today's guest: fallout boy. as i was listening to them, something just 'dinged' in my head: how many times do we allow others' labels of us to shape who we are?

how often do we worry about the labels the world around has placed on us and forget who we really are? unique individuals who do not require labeling. as i listened to them explain how they just don't label themselves or their music, i thought, hmm... if we all did that, how freeing would life be. sure, labels are nice for organizing, trust me, as one who is ocd about organizing things, but nothing everything requires a label. i mean, are we just items to be labeled and organized? put neatly away in our category(s)?

the more i thought about this, while still paying attention to the road, i thought, i'm not some billboard for others' labels. i am me. just me. sure, yes, i have labels: mom, wife, daughter, sister, best friend, point of contact, child of God, but none of them 'define' me. they are things to help 'organize' my life, they help others figure out where i fit into their lives, they are labels placed by others.

and to be honest, when i look at some of these labels, i think, really? are you sure? have you really done your homework and inspected me and made sure i really fit that label? as francesca battistelli sings in 'free to be me:'

'cause i got a couple dents in my fender

got a couple rips in my jeans

try to fit the pieces together

but perfection is my enemy

on my own i'm so clumsy

but on your shoulders i can see

i'm free to be me

sure the lyrics are about being just a child of God, with some bumps, some scratches, some rough edges, but no labels. and that's where i want to be. just a child of God with some bumps, some scratches, a few rough edges and no labels weighing me down. just me

tribute to military wives gone before us

2009-06-06T23:07:00.000-06:00

with today being d-day, can you even begin to imagine what the wives and sweethearts of those soldiers 65 years ago were feeling? were doing to cope with their situation? there was no email. no cellphones. no mwr calls. no webcams. just snail mail. and then even that wasn't guaranteed to be delivered.

and then you think of the wives of the vietnam wars. with the development and advancement of television, could you imagine what they faced and felt with their husbands so far away and no frg to censor the news on the six o'clock news?

i think back to what it was like when my dad deployed for desert storm back in 1990. it was christmas eve and we were stationed in germany. we didn't have the opportunity to move stateside. we moved on post and lived life, one day at a time. there were no cellphones or answering machines for us. so, if we missed dad's phone call, we missed it. but, we didn't know it. all we could count on was the snail mail. i still have all the letters i received during those eight long months from my dad and several pen pals. i remember baking cookies and making hot cocoa and taking it out to the soldiers who patrolled our base. i don't remember webcams or recorded bedtime stories or flatrate boxes or emails.

but i remember we managed, we survived just like the families before us and those of us to come still. we're military, and if you for one moment took for grant it the fact that your soldier is on duty 24-7, and that deployments are a reality of being part of this family, time to be slapped back into reality. but, we, the community of survivors, the community you can lean on, will be waiting for you just as those wives did back in 1944 and even before then. and along side our wives and friends in arms, you can trust that God will be carrying you through the valleys and up on the mountains of this adventure called life, married to the military.

5 months gone, 7 to go

2009-06-06T00:59:00.000-06:00

it's been five months today since aaron came home! my how time has flown. it's time we'll never get back, but it's time that has left us we great memories. now we have at least seven more months to fill with memories. we'll find out in a few weeks a better time frame of aaron's next road trip back east and where we'll call home after our short stay out here in the desert.

i was updating the picture bar on my laptop tonight and looking through some of cayman's pictures from the last 19 months. he sat on my lap and identified 'dadda' and 'momma' and 'baby.' and then he was amazed to realize that he was the 'baby.' and i was amazed to see how much our little man has grown up in the last 19 months. but, i was saddened by how much aaron had missed: his first christmas morning (sure we did 'ours' early), his first flight, his first 100th day, his first race, his first time at the beach, his first pulling his head up, his first time rolling over, his foods, his first crawl, his first present in the mail, his first steps, his first words, his first birthday and the list goes on and on. a lot happened in 14 months. and yes, i sent him enough pictures of everything to cover his walls and then some and he had enough home made movies to entertain his soldiers for three days straight, but it's not like being there. and as we were talking about maybe #2 completing our family, all i can think about is aaron's next deployment rotation and what it'll mean in respect to completing our family.

God's got great timing, we won't despite that fact. but sometimes i think he has too much faith in me and what i can handle. can i really handle a pregnancy with my husband in a war zone? can i really handle a toddler and a newborn? can i really juggle our home life, his deployment, the kids and my military wife responsibilities and somewhat keep my sanity? i know he won't give me more then i can handle (though at times he wants us to ask for help), but still. one can't help be hesitant when faced with so many uncertainties. but then again, my worries are small compared to those others face. and so, i praise God for keeping my worries down to a size i can handle them. baby steps.

not knowing is okay with me

2009-06-01T14:24:00.000-06:00

so i've had this crazy numbness in my right arm for sometime now. since lil man got sick and we were already heading up for his appointment, i made myself an appointment to have my arm checked out. after both of our appointments i walked away with no answers really to either of our situations. side note, lil man is on a starch and pedilyte diet with a follow up appointment in two days. as far as myself, i'm okay with not having a definite answer of what the cause of the problem may be. i do know what isn't causing the numbness (blood pressure, heart issues, pinched nerve, and few other things). knowing that some things, the big things, have been ruled out, i'm okay with 'just dealing' as opposed to becoming a genie pig and still ending right back at 'no answer.'

it's kinda that way with a lot of things in life. not knowing when aaron will deploy again makes me enjoy the here and now. and i know i've got at least 7 more months of him home. and, it's part of our life and his job. not knowing where we'll be moving come september is okay with me too. for some the thought of being somewhere for possibly just 5 months means living in a house of boxes, but for me, i've unpacked everything and made this house our home, for the next 5 months at least. and i'm okay with not knowing, for now, where we'll be after september 9th.

not knowing a lot of things is okay with me. the biggest reason, i put my trust in God. he's always steered me in the right direction. and well, he's got a pretty good track record for making things work out just fine.

canon and 21-gun salutes

2009-05-25T15:25:00.000-06:00

it's memorial day and the flags adorn the cemeteries filled with veterans across this nation. the day is marked with 21-gun salutes and canons. there are sad, sappy commericals on tv and the smell of the grill fill the air. but what is today really all about?

when i think of the heartache of last may 2nd and the grace and pose julez presented, i can but be in awe. a moment like that is unimaginable. you get the call, you get the knock, they come, there's a lot of paperwork, pick out a casket, the body is escorted, it arrives, you have a memorial, a viewing, then the funeral, you get his dogtags, his stuff arrives a few weeks later and suddenly the world you thought you were going to live in disappears and you have to start over again. how could God do this? why would God do this? how does he pick who comes home early or never comes home?

i still try to wrap my head around it. how did God decide that day that aaron should stop and talk to those people? how did he decide that julez and her family should feel such heartache and not us? why? but as each day passes and i get another 24 hours to watch my husband breathe, play with our son, feel his gentle kiss, hear him say 'i love you,' and the million other little things that happen everyday that we so often take for grant it, i am moving on and appreciating to the fullest the fact that God has another plan for us, just as he has another plan for all those who have lost a loved one, in today's wars and those of our past that give us the freedoms we enjoy so much today.

ps, i love you and each day i am so thankful that my story includes you

i can live with that

2009-05-13T22:33:00.001-06:00

ever wonder what kind of story God has in mind for you? will your life be a slap stick comedy or a serious adventure story? will it play out as a romantic comedy or a story with a female heroine? it's funny that there are certain moments in your life when you remove yourself from the moment, sit back and think, when it's all said and then and i'm going home, what will people say about my life and me.

as i lay on the examining table today draped in my fancy white sheet from the waist down and staring at the ceiling and reverting to my 'nothing box,' i removed myself from the moment and imagined what would play out over the next twenty or thirty minutes. i was at peace and calm about whatever had to tell me. i knew she'd be honest with me, but she'd take her time in making sure i understood everything she was saying and all that would happen. and so i thought the worst case scernio first: the cells would turn white, i would have to do that horrible deep-belly cough and my cells would be scraped and removed so some pathologist could exam them more and call me next week and tell me that i needed to come in for a 'talk.' then i laid there and imagined her saying that the last person who read my pap must have had it mixed up with someone else's and there was nothing abnormal about my cervix and myself. two very different pictures with two very different endings one would imagine. but when i finished with both, they both ended with me in a smile thankful that i was blessed enough to have this follow-up appointment to check no matter what the outcome.

and then the doctor came in. i wish she was my everyday doctor. very personable and easy-going. very straight forward about the procedure and easy to talk to. she explained everything. walked my through the whole procedure. as we got down to it, she seemed almost a little disappointed. she said my cervix was 'beautiful.' and when it was all said and done, there was no coughing, no 'where do we go from here,' no scraping and no unanswered questions.

so i don't have cancer. i could have cancer some day. but if i follow the doctor's orders and see the gyno every six months until i'm 'normal,' i should be just fine. i do have hpv, that thing they have gardsil for. i could be the poster child now of what could happen when you don't get the shot. but all and all, it's something i can live with. it's something that doesn't affect aaron, we'll be able to have another child and i'll be able to build an actual relationship with my gyno since i'll be seeing them every six months.

all and all, when my life is read back, it seems that there will be no great tragedy in this chapter and that's fine with me.

thank you, military spouse

2009-05-08T13:50:00.000-06:00

today (or maybe tomorrow depending who you ask) is military spouses appreciation day. ironically, it falls on the same weekend as mother's day weekend. when you think about how many military spouses are not only wives (or husbands) but also mothers, it's very fitting that this two days of appreciation fall so close to each other. sadly, hallmark doesn't carry cards for awesome military spouses though they carry every shade of pink, purple and yellow envelopes for those thousands of mother's day cards.

but when you think about all that a military spouse does, a paper card hardly covers it. from watching my mum rock the duties of a military spouse growing up and now being one myself and watching my friends carry the weight of the military on their shoulders, sometimes the simplest, 'thank you' and smile is worth so much. when you see that mother with her child(ren) at the grocery store trying to wrangle the off spring, sort through the coupons and navigate the food, it's hard to tell what else she is doing. is she silently saying a prayer to God for strength, not for herself, but for her fellow military spouses? is she asking for God's protecting hand on her soldier and others around the world and back in garrison? is she balancing the check book in her head and deciding what they can really afford this week and what can wait until the 15th? is she scrolling through her to-do list of frg meetings and bake sales and pta meetings? is she thankful for all those spouses that came before her that have made the role of military spouse all that much easier? it's hard to tell what's being juggled in her head, but you can rest assured, she's secretly wearing a super hero cape and no one else around her even knows it. and she won't tell anyone else about it because it's just not her style.

so, we may not get a section of cards at hallmark, and there won't be any ice cream cakes at dairy queen with messages for us, but know that to those who see your super hero cape, you rock! you rock because you inspire so many without meaning to or even seeing it. you rock because you take on the call of duty, never backing down because it's too much. you rock because no matter how many miles the military puts between you and your soldier, you love him just the same and will wait for him no matter how long it takes. you rock because you face adversity, put on your big girl panties, and say, 'bring it on!' you rock because you inspire me!

always

2009-04-28T15:47:00.000-06:00

but i believe always always

our Savior never fails

even when all hope has failed

our God knows our pain and His promise remains

He will be with you always

~ building 429

today is a tender day in our lives. a year ago today, aaron's base went on blackout, again, after being attacked. there are many stories about what exactly happened: they guys in the tower fell asleep, they didn't recognize the truck setting up with the mortars, and so on. what did come about though was the loss of three soldiers and a wake up call to many, including myself. if wasn't until after aaron returned home and he opened up to me one night about that day a year ago that i realized how truly blessed i am... had my husband been in the right place at the right time as he had been everyday, the causality list would have included one more. but God had a different plan for him and for us.

it's not that i knew marcus personally. i don't know jules personally either. but as i watched the evening news last april, being able to connect a real person, a person who sat near us at church, a person whose family i knew, a person who seemed to have so much life ahead of him and his wife, it made the loss all the harder. i'm saddened each time the Good Soldier blog is updated with a loss of another soldier. but being able to connect a person you know to that name makes it all the harder.

cayman and i along with my mum attended the funeral on may 2nd for marcus. seeing the people, real people, people who lived in our community, people whose lives were now missing someone, made it all the more real. the 21 gun salute and the folding of the flag made me clutch cayman all the tighter and made me appreciate my husband all the more.

so as the anniversary comes today as it will every year, i am reminded that God is always with us. jules has moved on, she's making a new life as she carries the memories of her buried husband with her. heather and bryan and the kids are making the most of each day. each day i look at my husband and i flashback to what could have been a knock on my door and the evening news highlighting aaron's life. and through it all, i remember, God is with us always, through the pain and through the joy of life.

ps, i honestly don't know what i would do without you. you are my reason for raising in the morning. you are my reason for making the most of each day. you are the reason i feel i have purpose as a wife and a mother. without you, i am lost, just a child of God without a purpose. i love you

bloom where you're planted, right

2009-04-27T13:44:00.000-06:00

so i know they say that you're suppose to bloom where you're planted. and then God told us about the seeds that fell on various soil and what happened with them. and then sunday at the church we were visiting (may be our new church home) they were discussing all their ministries and how it is not by works that we are saved but that we are saved by grace to do good deeds. and so, with all this, i got to thinking...

what if God is trying to use all of these instants to send me a loud and clear message: dear child, you've got the right idea, you need to bloom where you are planted, get involved, spread my word, but you also need to take care of yourself. fix the soil you're growing in. you've got the right idea, but just like your flowerbed, you need to mix in some good soil, condition the ground so that my word can grow strong in you and you can with stand the fierce winds that howl down the mountain and the heavy rains during the monsoon season.

heavy, right? but i think i'm getting it. it's amazing how God can take everyday little things, make sure you hear or see or do them and this big, beautiful message come from it. sunday the pastor also quoted something beautiful from mother theresa: i am but a pencil in the hand of a writing God who is writing a love letter to the world. wow! i want to be that pencil! i want to be that instrument God is using to write to the world about His amazing love, His never-ending presence, His word.

and so i pray and i challenge you too, if you're not rooted in good soil, get some conditioner (friends, bible study, music) and fix what you're growing in for if we don't, we will surely not bloom where we are planted nor will be survive nor be able to help the world see that beautiful love letter God is writing.

ps, i love you and want you to help me grow where i'm planted by growing right next to me

my little earthworm

conditioning the soil

re-energized

2009-04-17T23:04:00.000-06:00

so i have to completely brag for a moment: i spent nearly 10 hours today away from my boys being pampered with a facial, massage, lunch, pedicure, steam treatment, sugar scrub, relaxing waterfalls, and a quick trip to pottery barn. but, it was aaron's treat to me after a long 18 months: cayman was born, aaron deployed, i finished grad school with a 3.92, aaron's alive date, marcus died, aaron came home, we're reintegrating, we moved 1200 miles. whew, that's a lot in 18 months.

so, as i'm sitting there in the steam cubbie with my fancy paper sheet (like you get when you go to your lady check up) i started thinking about how much i had left to do in and around our new house to really make it feel like home. and then i was thinking about what kind of mess the boys were making at the house. and then, in the midst of my back being showered with warm steam, the temperature rose and it was like God trying to shake me. here i was in this tranquil surrounding fretting over things i had no control over. and at that moment i thought, 'God, i give it all to you. if you brought me to a place so serene and tranquil, you must be re-energizing me for a reason and i can't be fully re-energized if i'm busy worrying over things the birds don't even worry about.' as i enjoyed the rest of my time at the spa, i had several nice conversations. during one particular conversation with the lady giving me my facial and pedi, i was reminded of who i am: that girl who finds the positive in everything. that girl who decides to make the most of everything.

and so, i thank you Lord for re-energizing me. for giving me rest. for letting me see that i can find myself again. for preparing me for the important things: trusting in you and loving my family. who cares if there are still books and dvds in boxes. who cares if not all the pictures are hung. who cares if the laundry is still in the drier. the birds of the field don't, so why should i waste my time worrying over the things i can't control.

ps, i love you and thank you for allowing me the opportunity to reconnect and rediscover the things i needed to to be a wonderful wife and loving mother.

you get what you pray for

2009-04-15T16:25:00.000-06:00

so i'm always praying for patients with cayman. he's 18 months old and as curious and adventurous as they come. and i pray for strength to face the things that i can not hang. well, the other night we're saying our blessing over dinner and it hit me, i can't have patients or strength unless God gives me a reason to have them and use them.

it's one of those things, you pray for rain and you get a monsoon. you pray for sunshine and you get crystal clear days with high temperatures. so many times we find ourselves praying for things (after praising of course) but forgetting that all good things will come to us, but we will have to use them. we will have to endure them and all that comes with them. and with that, we must also remember, God will not give us more then we can handle. sometimes we just have to ask him for help.

i have been fighting a lot of stress and anger lately. stress you would expect from me with the recent move and all. but anger, that is one that has caught me off guard. however, knowing that going to God with an open heart and mind and asking him for help is the way to go, but not easy, i find myself somewhat spiraling. when one exams my life, the list of blessings is ridiculously long and one might question where this anger is coming from (i quesiton it everytime i get upset). however, knowing that i can seek God and he will point in the right direction to deal with this, i find comfort knowing that i will battle and i will defeat this demon.

knowing that i never walk alone, even when the valley is deep and long and the mountain top seems so far out of reach, i can keep my head up and know i will get back on top of the mountain, both inside and out.

ps, i love you and i love you for sticking by me through this all.

2 year down, forever to go

2009-04-08T00:17:00.000-06:00

today, april 7th, we celebrated our second anniversary as husband and wife. but before we got to the 'i do,' we had to have our first date, three years ago today. well, actually, it was suppose to be on april 4th, watching the ncaa championship game at hooters. but, i stood aaron up (at least i stood him up at hooters. and in my defense, i did text him, but he left his phone at work).

i remember that friday night like it was yesterday. i was running late as usual. the first time i saw aaron in person, i thought, 'man, he's hot! at least i'll get to say i went on one date with a total hottie!' little did i know that 12 hrs later we'd watch the sun rise on the beach of mac dill afb, the same beach where we would get married one year to the date later. i remember aaron being worried that i didn't like him because i didn't talk much during the first part of our date (he took me to a tampa storm arena football game). but hey, i was in to the game. after the game we headed for channelside to grab something to eat. who knew we'd spend the next three hours in a booth at tina tapa's talking about everything. and i do mean everything. and if we didn't talk about it over tapas, we talked about it as we huddled on the deck of the seascape on the beach at mac dill. we did make our way to his car because it got cold and we were tired. but, we did awake in time to see the sunrise. and then, he drove me back to my car. and followed me out of the parking garage. a few hours later, i got a call. time for a second date! and the rest is history.

so, here we are three years later. mr. & mrs. of two years and our whole lives ahead of us. isn't it great how God's plans seem to always turn out so beautifully when you just let him take control. i can't wait to see what he has planned for us, mr. & mrs., husband & wife, parents.

ps, i love you, today, tomorrow and forever

bringing it all out

2009-04-02T21:07:00.000-06:00

so we're moving, wait, pcsing. no big deal. in my lifetime, i've pcsed now nearly two whole handfuls. however, this is our first pcs as a family. it's my first pcs as a wife, as a mother, as the one who has to make sure we have everything we need, that the movers are feed, that the paperwork is somewhere secure yet easily accessible, just the one who has to think of everything for everyone. which, to be honest, is okay with me. well, until i hit resistance or just deaf ears and feel like our teamwork has become more work and less team, just me.

i hate that when stressed, the ugly comes out. it seems that when we're being tested most, it seems that those not so nicenesses of us seem to rear their ugly sides. why? because we subcome to it and rather then making the most of the situation and raising above it, we let the stress bring us down. and i don't like it. but, as many times as i resolve to do better next time (which sometimes is five minutes later), it's hard. but, being able to step back, say 'enough' and stand up, take a breathe and move on to something more productive is so worth the effort.

so as we prepare to clear housing tomorrow, i'm sitting in our hotel room with its giant king size bed and whirl pool tub (so nice, if only i could clean it myself and partake) thinking, i must resolve again to do better tomorrow. i don't want our teamwork to be done in vain, but for us to make this move a success because we communicated, we listened, we worked together. and so, i pray, yes God, grant once more an opportunity so i may use patient and understanding and willingness to compromise. and though i know it will be hard and easier just to argue, let me hold my tongue, open my ears and think out my next step.

ps, we can work together because look at what we've created by doing so (our beautiful son, silly)

274 and then

2009-03-28T14:01:00.000-06:00

274 days, 39 weeks, 6576 hours... that's it. okay, give or take a few hours. but honestly, that's it. and we don't that we'll even get that. we didn't last time, so why would we this time. and as much as i don't want this to be on my mind, it is. simple as that. and well, when aaron got that look on his face the other day, i knew it's been on his mind too.

we're clearing ft. polk! and that means pulling gear, cleaning it and being overly nice to the people at collections. it only took aaron two tries to clear! the hardest thing to clean: Kevlar. we made it a family event. and that's when i saw the look. we were all taking turns putting on aaron's gear (mostly just cayman). when aaron finally had all of his gear cleaned, he put his Kevlar on one last time, picked up cayman and looked at himself in the mirror. and that's when i saw and i knew that he knew...

he knew the day he signed his rotc scholarship the commitment he was making. we talked about it for hours on our first date, and our second date and nearly every date after that. we knew when we talked about starting a family and when we said, 'i do.' we knew. but knowing and experiencing are two very different things. and after 3 months apart and 363 days home and apart for 14 months, one can't help but know that 'that day' is coming again. and as we watch obama's next move, the location is the only thing to still be determined.

but, knowing that no matter what happens, knowing that in the end and along the whole journey there is someone to hold my hand, to carry me when i get tired, to be in control of it all, it gives me peace. and to know that when today ends, there will be another one tomorrow. and to know that when something comes up, there will be a mess, a test, a moment that will leave me with a message, a testimony, a moment to reflect on. and then, i'll do it again.

ps, i love you today, tomorrow and everyday from here to eternity.

ucmj article 134

2009-03-15T23:07:00.000-06:00

so there is an article in the ucmj (uniform code of military justice) that in not so many words states that officers are not to fraternize with enlisted soldiers. well, depending on your definition of fraternization (according to merriam-webster: to mingle among brothers OR to associate on close terms with members of a hostile group especially when contrary to military orders) one may be left wondering why can't my best friend's husband come over for dinner?

and so, i'm sitting here too wondering, why can't he come over? i understand, if aaron is his superior and all that jazz, then yes, it might be weird. and i completely understand that if her husband happens to be a terrorist, it wouldn't be a good idea to have them over for dinner either. nor is he someone who will ever find himself in a hostile situation with aaron seeing as they don't work in the same unit. heck, the only time they see each other is on sundays at church when our two families sit next to each other and in our couples' sunday school class.

so, with that being said, why can't this 'brother' who was deployed to iraq with aaron under the same 10th mountain banner but different fob and even different unit come over for dinner, yet he can sit next to him at church and baseball games and such?

ps, i love you even if our friends can't come to dinner because you went to college and they didn't.

who am i?

2009-03-11T21:40:00.000-06:00

so i was sitting in my ladies' bible study this morning and the question was proposed: who am i?

sitting here and actually all day, i have so many thoughts coming to me:
i'm a wife and mother

i'm a sister and a daughter

i'm a best friend and role model (not always the best, i try)

i'm a teacher and student (i believe the day you stop learning is the day you die)

i'm a graduate of THE university of alabama and of the university of phoenix (i have a bachelors in public relations and a masters in elementary education, now what)

i'm a social butterfly, but my husband keeps me grounded, not held down

i'm a clean freak, but i do have my lazy days

i'm a kid at heart

i'm a dork, just ask my husband

and i admit, i'm a nerd too

and a band geek

i'm a fan of THE crimson tide ROLL TIDE!

i'm a fan of the underdog too

i'm a creative artsy fartisy type, or i liked to think i am

i'm a chocolate addict (i ration out my thin mint cookies to last the whole year)

i'm an army brat (i've seen more of europe over the cross of ten years then i have of the entire usa over a lifetime)

i'm a poc for our unit

i'm a shoulder to lean on

i'm a fan of flip flops and jack johnson

i'm a sister in Christ and the daughter of an amazing person, God

now who am i in Christ?

i'd like to think i'm a role model, a leader, a strong hold, but i'd be deceiving you. i'm not a new christian, but i'm not a well-practiced christian. everyday is a new day filled with struggles for me. but everyday is an opportunity for me to grow in Christ and be a better person, a better role model, a better leader, a better christian.

that's who i am.

ps, i love you. you make me who i am

lost in communication or lack of

2009-03-08T22:30:00.000-06:00

so it's been 62 days since aaron has come home from his 14 month deployment. during that deployment, he lived in a bombed out building with some 145 other guys. he used a 'pee bottle' when he didn't want to trek across the base to the bathroom to handle his business. he worked 14 crazy hours a day. ate crappy food. had some strangers washing his clothes. and watched us live our lives over here via the webcam and the pictures and home-made movies we sent home.

no cake walk by any means. and sure, it was crazy stressful. and sure, it definitely doesn't compare to walking up in your own comfy bed next to your spouse. it doesn't compare to running pt and then coming home for a hot shower and breakfast with your toddler son, who was a baby when you deployed. it doesn't compare to having a wife who cleans the house, from top to bottom, everyday, has lunch and dinner ready when you get home and every week or so bakes cookies for your soldiers. it doesn't compare to having a 52' flatscreen to watch all the tv you want or to play your xbox on. it doesn't compare to having a new car in the drive way or orders to a new, much better base.

so, with all that said though, there is no excuse for the lack of communication. i knew that when aaron deployed he'd come home a different man and i would become a different woman. i prayed everyday that we'd grow together despite the distance into the new people we'd be. i prayed he'd come home and leave the violence over there. leave the anger outside our house. and he did. but, he also left his easy-going self. he left his openness. he left his communication skills. he left the man i married some 7,982 miles behind. and i can work with that. but, then again, i can't work with someone who isn't willing to work with me.

i have to take off my mask and be transparent for a moment. for 62 days i have been out on the beach of life, out in the water. and to most it seems like i was just splashing around in the water, having a great time enjoying life as it will be now. however, i must confess, this whole time i've been out to sea treading water, struggling to keep my head above water. i feel that aaron's quick, short temper and inability to communicate with me is the undertow trying to drag me down. between taking care of cayman and maintaining our routine and standard of living, i'm struggling to take care of aaron (and us) and maintain the house as he adds to the mess and is slow to contribute to helping clean up.

don't get me wrong. he picks up here and there. he does amazing with cayman's bath time (i'm no longer allowed to give him a bath because daddy does it way better). he does a great job of maintaining the computers and cleaning the new car. but his clothes have become a tripping hazard in our bedroom, most days i end up emptying and reloading the dishwasher and i have a secret affair with the garbage now again (taking it out).

but, i have to say, there is light and hope for us. we will make it through these rough waters and we will make it ashore to walk hand and hand down the beach. we've switched to the couples' sunday school class which is studying the five love languages. just knowing our love languages and learning how to check and maintain each other's 'love tank,' is helping us make that progress, slowly, but surely.

ps, i love you, through these tough times and always. it's not all you, it's a lot of me too.

half way to stable

2009-02-20T21:59:00.000-07:00

so it's been 45 days since aaron came home. so, we're half way to stabilized. it also means that we're only 320 days away from possible deployment orders again. i've been fighting in my head to keep the positive in focus rather then the negative, but it's there and it's hard to brush off because there's so much truth and possibility to it.

however, in the first 45 days, we've accomplished so much as a family. cayman and aaron have bonded amazingly! i have little happy tears in my eyes when i hear them laughing and aaron goofing off with cayman. it melts my heart! and it's calmed all my fears about the two of them knowing what to do with each other.

as far as the two of us... we've picked up where we left off some 14 months ago. still goofy and dorky as ever with each other. and well, there have been those moments when we butt heads and fuss at each other and have 'stupid' fights. but, we always make up. and well, we've always said, we'd rather have 'stupid' fights (chores, duh moments) then serious' fights (finances, faithfulness, etc). but overall, we're still that newlywed couple who give each other butterflies and say 'i love you' a million times a day.

so, as terrified as i was about reintegrating and life that could come after aaron came home, i have put my fears in the hands of God and what an amazing experience it's been so far. and just as i have put those fears in God's hands, i must surrender my countdown to aaron's next orders.

ps, i love you even when we have those 'stupid' fights.

the happiest place on earth

2009-02-15T20:59:00.000-07:00

so for my birthday, we spent the day at magic kingdom. know that we only went because all three of us got in free. we had a great time! i was really amazed how well cayman did! during the five hours we were there, he only melted down at the end which was our cue to head out. all together, it was truly a wonderful day!

the first few pictures are from our saturday afternoon at downtown disney we spent with my mum at rainforest cafe and getting cayman his first lego set!

sanctuary

2009-02-15T19:53:00.000-07:00

"Take me to that place, Lord,

To that secret place.

Where I can be with You

and you can make me like You.

Wrap me in Your Arms.

Wrap me in Your Arms.

Wrap me in Your Arms."

have you ever sat in church, your sanctuary and been wrapped up in praise and worship and the spirit moves through you and as you sing your love song to God, you find yourself singing a love song to someone else? many times last year, while aaron was deployed, i felt this way. not that i compare aaron to God or worship him in the same. but when you truly listen and feel those lyrics, it's not only a love song to God, but many times can be a love song to your loved one.

as we sat in church this morning and last sunday, i found myself doing the same, but this time i could hold my loved one's hands. it was an amazing feeling to return to my sanctuary, my hiding place from the world all last year while aaron was deployed, but this time return with him and share the experience. we have been attending church at ft. polk, but these last two sundays we've been visiting my parents in florida. i loved lakeside victory because it's relaxed (everyone, including the pastor wears jeans), there are tons of friendly people (they have small groups each semester for fellowship), and they meet at the movie theater (they rent the south wing of the cobb theater).

the darkness of the theater was my favorite part. we, my mum, cayman and i, could attend, shake hands and meet people, but then we could also sit in our comfy reclining movie chairs and rock back and forth as we listened to the messages without being distracted or distracing anyone. i loved that i could go in, bawl my eyes out and not have everyone staring at me. i loved that i could feel like a wife, a mom, a child of God facing her fair share of challenges and not be a novelty item (the whole army wife of a deployed soldier made me a novelty in this predominately civilian town). and i loved that i could sing my love song to God, but i could also sing my love song to my husband thousands of miles away.

i find that during deployments and during non deployment times it is very important to find yourself a sanctuary. for some it may be a church, for some it may be a lake, but where ever it may be, find your love song for God, but also your love song for your loved one.

ps, take me to that place and wrap me in your arms for i just want to be me, and only me.

what next

2009-02-12T06:21:00.000-07:00

it's your birthday and your husband has just come home from iraq... what are you going to do next?

WE'RE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD! well, just the magic kingdom since i only get a 'one park' pass. but hey, FREE is free! promise to post pictures from our fun adventures!

we did it!

2009-02-06T18:27:00.000-07:00

so today, we did it! we agreed upon it, did our research, saved up all deployment and today, we made our first purchase together as a married couple. we made our first MAJOR purchase, as a married couple. we bought our new family car! meet Optimus, our new honda pilot!

we decided that we would use the money we got from aaron's deployment to buy a new family car. we sold my beloved toyota corrolla just before aaron deployed because it would earn us the most money and aaron's just head over heels in love with his intrepid. well, that meant that when aaron came home some 31 days ago, we became two-driver, one-car household. talk about limiting your freedoms. but it's okay.

today we made the transfer from our high interest savings account to our checking account and headed to the dealership. we knew what dealerships we wanted to visit and we knew what cars we wanted to test drive and we even knew what price the dealers bought their inventory at and what was a reasonable asking price for each make, model and trim of vechile.

we pulled up to the first dealership, looked around the lot and told the dealer what we wanted: an 8-person non-van vechile. oh, and it had to be blue. quickly he lead us over to the honda pilot (which we knew they had on the lot because we searched their inventory last night). after climbing in and out of the car and asking a million questions, we put cayman's carseat (who was sleeping on aaron's shoulder)in the pilot and took him out for a drive. what a sweet ride!

after returning to the dealership it was time to talk price. it didn't take long before we had the dealer saying, 'i don't want to lose your business.' so, he took us to the other end of the dealership so we could look at the 'other' car (it's like trying on wedding dresses. you know the first dress you try on is the dress, but you must try on several more just to reassure yourself). we looked, we were not impressed, we sat back down and said, 'we'll take your honda.' and so, after a million signatures, a detailing clean of our pilot and a quick tutorial on all the fancy buttons in the pilot, we drove optimus, our new honda pilot off the lot and home!

admiring his new best friend

what a great feeling to have done this together, as a couple.

ps, i love you, no matter how ocd you're being about optimus

exhausted: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually

2009-02-02T08:46:00.000-07:00

so i knew it wouldn't be easy. and i knew we'd be different people when aaron came home. but i never expected to feel this way. and i don't like it.

it's been 28 days since aaron came home. in those 28 days, he's done so much. he and cayman are bonding amazingly. he's starting to get back into the swing of being a husband and starting to become comfortable with being a dad, a dad at home. all that said, everything on the homefront seems to be going very well, better then expected. but, i feel still exhausted.

it could be that as much as aaron has jumped into life as a husband and dad at home, there's still a lot for him to pick up. there are days i find myself envious, jealous of the fact that he gets to 'ease' back into homelife and i've just loaded up my plate with more responsibilities. and i hate that feeling. i feel like at any moment i could break, i could have a complete meltdown. i even question God about his sense of humor about this all.

don't get me wrong. i wouldn't trade anything in the world for aaron, cayman or us finally being a family under the same roof. and last night as aaron and i laid in the bed and had our 'pillow talk,' i reassured him of that, but i also let him know that i feel exhausted, that i need his help. and for me, that was one of the hardest things ever to do. to tell the man of dreams, my rock, the man who thinks of me as superwoman, that i need help. but, knowing that men aren't great at picking up subtle hints, i needed to. and i'm glad i did.

no one should ever go through the day envious of others, jealous of their situation. God gave us our hand of cards and expects us to make the best of them. but, he also dealt us this hand knowing that we'd need help, help from those around us and help from him. so, i find myself on my knees praying to God for strength, knowing that strength will come through enduring the situations of everyday life. so as i wait for my husband to send me off to the spa for a day of relaxing, i'll make the most of the moments we have here, now, together.

ps, i love you, even when we're being butt heads

reintegration: week 2: a few bumps

2009-01-24T20:22:00.000-07:00

so we made it through another week of reintegrating. and well, to be honest, it seems like we're nearly back to where we were when aaron deployed the sunday after thanksgiving in 2007. well, cayman is bigger and we live in a different house and aaron isn't preparing to deploy. but as far as everything else, most things are back to our normal.

i have noticed one difference though. just as they say we all change during the course of a deployment, i've noticed our changes. there are the physical changes, but there are also the personality changes. not necessarily bad, but different. i've noticed in myself that i'm more blunt and more easily to question someone's commonsense. in aaron, i've noticed that he gets frustrated more easily and that he's impatient about certain things.

however, these changes are good. they are helping us grow together and stronger. sure, this week we've had our bumps, neither one of us wanting to hurt the other's feelings ended doing just that in the end, but we're growing from it. and that's what's important. and i feel that God gives us those changes and those moments to help us grow. and many times, those changes, those moments are just what we need to answer those prayers we've been asking for.

ps, i love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow

reintegration: week one: complete

2009-01-12T20:22:00.000-07:00

so it's been a week since aaron made his way physically back into our everyday routine. it's been great to fall asleep at night next to him and wake up next to him every morning (morning breath and all). and despite the fact that cayman has regressed and now refuses to eat in his highchair when aaron eats at the table with us (now i feed cayman prior to us eating and cayman just sits at the table and nibbles on what's left of his dinner), things are going well.

the first night home cayman let aaron give him his bedtime bath and from then on, that's been aaron's job each night. we both get cayman ready for bed, dad reads a story and then it's off to sleep (week two is filled with night weaning).

as far as the daytime, aaron has commented many times how amazed he is at all the things i do from the time cayman gets up until i myself hit the bed. he's commented several times that he's exhausted and needs a nap just to keep up! ha!

it has left me feeling slightly jealous. not of aaron's exact situation this past year, i wouldn't wish a warzone on anyone. but, the week prior to his return, aaron was stuck at the airport, nothing to do but make his own schedule. grant it, he had to sleep in a giant tent on a cot, but he was able to come and go as he pleased, sleep when and as long as he wanted. and of that, i'm jealous.

i think he's sensed that i'm getting tired from doubling my homewife workload, i'm no longer just taking care of our toddler, but helping my husband reintegrate to everyday life and making sure the things he needs are ready when he needs them. so, my hero spoiled me and made dinner the other night! and he cleans the kitchen after dinner. they're little things, but my jerry is showing his inner jerry (see previous post)!

but, as on overall, i must say, week one has gone way better then i could ever have imagined! definitely a blessing from God!

ps, i love you!

follow the yellow ribbon home

2009-01-09T13:04:00.000-07:00

my cellphone rang about 9:48 in the morning on monday, january 5th. the ringtone, something familiar: there's no combination of words i could put on the back of a postcard, no song i could sing but for your heart i could try... oh my gosh! it's him! from his cellphone! he has to be somewhere in the united states!

i answered with the lovey-doveyiest 'i love you' i think i have ever let come from my body. but, i kept the excitement to a minimum. this could be the call of 'hunnie, i'm in the usa, but we're stranded because of weather' or this could be the phone call of 'hunnie, what's for dinner? i'll be home in time to eat with y'all tonight!' well, it was the later of the two! my hero, my husband was in minniapolis and on his way home, finally!

i kept busy until the last hour before we were suppose to head to the gym to partake of the homecoming festivities... it was the longest hour of my life, it seemed. but, it passed and then came the call, 'hunnie, we're loading the buses and heading for you! see you in an hour!' the phone calls just kept getting better that day!

we made our way to the gym, and lucky for us, we got there just before the crowds poured in! perfect parking upfront and great seats in the bleachers (there was no way we, my wiggly toddler, and i were going to sit on the floor in folding chairs, too much temptation for him to take off and make a run for daddy). i had one of my good mommy friends come up and take pictures for us (her husband had gotten in the week prior, so she knew what to expect and i did too, this was my second deployment, but this was our first large redeployment ceremony). we watched the slide show for what seemed like forever and then it came...

one the two large projection screens they showed our soldiers disembarking the plane and making their way down the stairs as they were greeted by the post commander at the airport. we looked and looked and looked (and we found jamey)but couldn't see aaron. i figured i had missed him while dealing with our wiggly toddler. didn't matter. as long as he came through those gym doors, i didn't need to see him on some screen.

the doors opened, the music started and then came the screams and happy tears! i searched every face the soldiers entered. nope, not him, nah, geez, i know he called me from our airport, is that him, nope... OH MY GOSH CAYMAN! IT's DADDY! and there he was, my hero, my husband, my rock, my best friend, my other half. we were just moments away from being complete again!

after the national anthem and invocation and the commander's speech which seemed to carry on forever, they were dismissed. i had made a deal with aaron, since he's all of 6'3" and i'm a stunning 5', cayman and i would stay put on the bleachers and let him come to us. boy, i've never seen him move so fast through a crowd!

the initial kiss was the best ever... one i've waited 408 days for! and cayman didn't seem to mind that mommy and daddy had a moment. cayman himself was apprehensive at first, having to scan aaron, making sure it really was him, the guy from the computer, the guy from the pictures, the guy from the bedtime stories, the voice on the phone and the voice in his build-a-bear. and once he knew it was really him, and slowly mad ehis way to aaron.

after gathering up aaron's gear, we made our way home, as a family. i had him drive and told him, 'follow the yellow ribbons home.' and that he did, all the way to our house, our home. dinner was great! and cayman had warmed up so much to aaron that he even let him give him his bath! and then it was mommy and daddy time!

ps, i love you and i'm so glad you're home, to stay!

just sitting and waiting and

2009-01-05T14:06:00.000-07:00

giddy as all get out! so, i got the call this morning from aaron! he had finally made it home, to at least minneapolis! and now, as i'm typing this, he's en route home! well, to in processing and then home!

i'm beside myself! i've been waiting for the butterflies and giddines to really set in. and i'm glad to report, they are in full force!

everything is ready! house cleaned, towels and sheets washed and fluffed, homecoming sign and ribbons hung, car cleaned, favorite carrot cake baked and cooling, homecoming outfit on, cayman napping, and now just waiting! i even have our hokie build-a-bear and our cards for aaron in the car already along with our little american flags. i'm seriously ready!

i can't thank all of you enough for all your support and prayers! keep them going for our loved ones that are still over there serving us and protecting us and building a better future. and for those of you still counting weeks, your time will come too! remember, as aaron always reminded me, it's only a few months out of a lifetime!

ps, i love you and i'm so glad you're finally home!

it all may be coming to an end, or at least put on hold

2009-01-03T21:13:00.000-07:00

so i got the call, well actually texts, this morning at 5am! who in their right mind wakes up a mother of a toddler and the wife of a deployed soldier? oh, her husband does to tell her that he's coming home, soon, very soon!

and so, i wanted to give you all a fair heads up and let you know that i am not neglecting y'all. hopefully after tomorrow night i will no longer sleep in our bed alone! hopefully after tomorrow, my evenings will be packed with cuddling, snuggling, back rubs, and so on. so, i must say, this is all coming to an end, well rather, i'm putting y'all on hold, for a while. but i will check back from time-to-time.

so, with that, i must confess and tell you how hard it is to watch everyone else's soldier come home and know that it's still days until yours come home. but, i have found that being able to carefreely prepare for aaron's homecoming has been rather nice. cayman and i made our big grocery shopping trip already. we had the car washed. we hung up the yellow ribbons (follow the yellow ribbon home). the bed sheets have been washed. the towels are in the dryer. all that's left is one last good cleaning of the house and the inside of the car, cayman's homecoming shirt and to make the carrot cake. oh and hang out our 'welcome home' banner. not too much for the last 30 something hours! it's all in the game of keeping busy!

thank you avid readers for all your support and prayers! hopefully i'll have some awesome homecoming pictures to post, soon, very soon!

ps, i love you

transparent moment

2008-12-29T23:21:00.000-07:00

so i went to sleep early tonight. partly because i was feeling grouchy and not wanting to deal with my family who we've been visiting for 2 weeks anymore and partly because i wanted cayman in bed and asleep at a descent hour (you know the whole 'when at the grandparents' house, all the rules go out the window so you can have a great time trying to get them back on schedule once you get home' thingy). i was sleeping fine; peaceful, deep, much-needed sleep.

and then i woke up. irritate, restless, jealous, seeing green. i feel like i should be completely transparent with y'all, so i must confess this. as happy and over the moon as i am for all of my friends and their families that have returned after a deployment (not just the ones getting home now, but every time someone has redeployed while aaron has been deployed), i get jealous. i want it to be our turn. i understand that aaron has to finish his job and is in leadership and responsible for this and that and so on and so on.

but dang it! he was one of the first ones to leave! and i want him home, now! i don't want to wait any longer. i've waited long enough. i've waited over 13 long months. i've been there for my friends for 13 months of all sorts of craziness and i just want it all to be over with and to be home with my husband and our son and be one happy family again under one roof. and i want him home to play with cayman. i want him home now so that the two of them can start the whole 'getting to really know you' process. i want him home so i can finally go to the bathroom all by myself and not have a screaming toddler at the door or in the bathroom with me.

but, i have a lot to be thankful for, even as we wait for our homecoming. my husband is coming home, alive! he's going to get off that big white bus, on his own, uninjured. he's coming home as the man i married, no major surprises (we've talked everyday and in the recent weeks have started the whole 'reintegration thing' over the phone and webcam). heck, with him not coming up until next year, we get another month's hazard duty pay and separation pay. plus, january will be tax free. and, i'll be able to keep the kids for my friends so that they can have time alone with their husbands while i wait for my husband. and, i'll a few more days to run around like chicken with her head cut off trying to get things ready for aaron's homecoming.

so, i thank God that my husband is coming home, alive, under his own ability. and i ask God to give me the strength to be patient for just a little while longer. and to keep a positive attitude when i see others and their loved ones reunited. and i praise God because we could have other valleys to face that require much more then just patients.

ps, i love you

the doorbell rang

2008-12-27T22:41:00.000-07:00

so i'm on the laptop yesterday, just browsing through some websites when my messenger pops up and prompts me that aaron is online! so, i message him, asking him if he can talk. yes, i know it seems silly, but the man needs his sleep, he's coming home soon!

either way, we got to use the webcam for nearly an hour! however, suddenly the connection cuts out on his end. i wait, and wait, and wait for him to get back on, which he usually does or at least contacts me in some way to let me know he's okay. nothing.

so, maybe there was a sandstorm, maybe a blackout, maybe a million things could have happened. i put it away in my head and head to dinner with the whole family, including my little brothers! i try not to let it bother me through dinner; i'm sure there's a good reason. dinner wraps up and we head home. and of course cayman needs a diaper change first thing when we get home.

off to the bedroom, change the diaper, have some silly mommy-and-me time. and then it happened. the doorbell rang. just once. i waited, and waited and waited for what seemed like a hundred years for someone to answer it. all i could think was, 'no, i can't do this alone. no, he's this close to coming home. no, this isn't part of your plan for us. no, no, no!'

then walks my little brother in and i grill him: did you ring the doorbell? why did you ring the doorbell? are you serious, it was just you ringing the doorbell? it was.

the feeling stuck with me for a while, even while shopping for shoes for my homecoming outfit. i had to talk to someone, anyone. i called a few friends, all no answer. then i called papa keith to wish him a happy birthday, and somehow, he could tell i needed to talk to mama martha. they're the parents of aaron's best friend, ryan who is currently deployed to iraq flying the c 130. military people just get each other and know when and what needs to say.

i bought my cute homecoming shoes. i prayed, of course i prayed, that i would get to wear them to aaron's homecoming. the one where he gets of the big white bus, on his own. i just can't imagine a life without him. without my best friend. without my husband. without cayman's dad. without my dork. without my silly face. without him. and i don't understand why, with just a matter of days now, such a feeling would creep in. i pray it is a feeling that passes. not just from me, but from all of you. i would never wish such a feeling on anyone. and so i pray, not just for aaron's safe return, but for all our soldiers, all of our husbands, our brothers, our sisters, our fathers, our mothers, our cousins, our best friends, to come home safe.

ps, i love you

i'm sending you a little christmas

2008-12-24T22:42:00.000-07:00

i'm sending you a little christmas, wrapped up in love... a little peace, a little light to remind you of how i'm waiting for you... praying for you... i wanted you to see. so i'm sending you a little christmas til you come home to me

i heard this song last night again on the radio and it's just so fitting for this year, again. last year it was just weeks after aaron left us. this year it's just weeks before he hopefully comes home to us. it's not the army's fault. it's not aaron's fault. it's no one's fault. we make the most of what we are given and should be thankful for that. so, until we can make the most of being together again, my thoughts, my prayers, my 'i love you' on the phone and webcam will have to be enough to carry aaron through this christmas.

and it's not about the presents. or the dinner. or the wrapping paper, tree, lights, parade, music, football games. none of that matters. it's about a baby that was born in a manager to save us all. it's about being with those who mean the most to you (and when you can't be with them, making the most of the other times you do have with them). so, as we wake in the morning with the excitement of innocent children looking for some proof of santa, we must remember that even without stockings, presents, lights, music and all the trimming, it's still christmas. so, it is our choice: send a little christmas until you can be together again or waste a beautiful opportunity to celebrate what's right infront of you.

may you all have a beautiful and blessed christmas and may God's blessings shining on you today as well as everyday!

ps, i love you

can my jerry be more jerrylike

2008-12-19T23:33:00.000-07:00

so i have a lurker, okay, aaron reads my blog from time-to-time (thank you hunny for reading. i love you and can't wait for you to watch me from across the leaving type in my blog). and that makes this blog entry harder (i love you hunny, remember that).

i watched 'ps, i love you' tonight. i did much better then i had anticipated. i teared here and there and only started really crying at the last letter in yankee stadium. and of course as i watched it, all i could think about was my own 'jerry' aka aaron. however, my 'jerry' isn't very jerry, yet. and it's not why i married him.

i married aaron for a million and one different reasons: he's a hottie (come on, you've seen him, admit it), super smart and nerdy (okay, dorky), very calm, makes me see the big picture and all sides of things, can make me laugh when it's the last thing i want to do, makes me think, gives me butterflies, is super tall, we made a super cute kid together, balances me, is sensible and a million other things. but, i guess i had hoped and still hope and will always hope that he would come around and be more 'jerry.'

see, i'm the one to leave love notes, send cards and keep the ones i receive stashed (though i know he spends a lot of time and puts a lot of thought into the cards he gets), i do the little romantic things. i don't mind. i do them because i love aaron and i want to do something just because. so, i guess if i were a guy, i'd send flowers on tuesday just because i thought about you. and i do have to say in aaron's defense, i've never been a flower kind of girl, until now. marriage and motherhood mature you and it's those little things you really start to appreciate. and don't get me wrong, only i could love a 'message' in a bottle with the key to his heart or a crystal with our pictures etched into it or a wii for valentine's day. oh, and the spa gift certificate. but i long for those love notes too.

and it's just those little romantic things i'm starting to long for. and i know you can't change someone. but maybe time and experience (and lurking around and reading my blog) can ignite a small spark to consider working on that romantic thing, not that i would love him any less if he didn't. i thank God everyday that i'm blessed to have the love of a man who loves me unconditionally. and i love him, unconditionally, today, tomorrow and for the rest of my life. and as aaron would say, 'that's a really long time.'

ps, i love you

they just don't get it

2008-12-18T22:33:00.001-07:00

do you ever feel like some people just don't get it? they don't get that there are rules to driving. they don't get that there are ways of coping. they don't get that somethings just aren't important. they don't get that life isn't all about them and their small world.

i feel like i have someone in my life who just doesn't get it. they don't get that yes, life is tough and this last year has been tough for them with the loss of their beloved nephew and then their father. and yes, life is tough when your stepson is dealing with an emotional issue. but life doesn't center on you and your 'woe is me.' and life isn't all about shopping and bowl game tickets. life isn't about what toy you bought or how many toys or what clothes you bought. and i'm sorry the clothes you bought won't fit, but if it mattered enough to you, you would have called and listened when i gave you the sizes.

there are just some people so wrapped up in their own world and their own agenda that the important things seem to just pass right by and all they see are the sales and that new pair of boots they need to get to go with their new outfit for the bowl game.

when it comes right now to it, no matter how christian you are, the way you treat others is the way you treat God. see, we are all Jesus. and when you ignore those hurting or we ignore those closest to us or when we can't see beyond our own agenda, we are denying God. and we've all done it. but when you can't get beyond your own agenda and your own picture, you are denying God and those around you and to be honest, it would explain the mess God has given you. and though you neglect that mess, until you deal with it, you will not have a message, just a mess and a bunch of 'woe is me' to deal with.

i did it!

2008-12-11T21:28:00.000-07:00

so i haven't done this in months... in fact since june. i remember the last time i did it; in the parking lot of the newport news airport and poor cayman was buckled in his carseat in the back and had no clue what was going on. but i did have the a/c on. but last night i did it for the first time in a long time and it felt good but overwhelming all at the same time.

there was nothing good on tv last night so i turned on gac's 'notes from home' special saluting the troops. that should have been a clear sign to me that i didn't need to have the tv on; a salute to the troops at the most emotional holiday time of the year while my husband is still gone. well, as they started singing and seeing all the uniforms, i lost it.

the tears started slowly, just a little mist like when you hear the star spangle banner or God bless america. but then as the kept singing and seeing the christmas decorations and our son sleeping so peacefully in the bean bag (yes, i'm a bad mom. i let him fall asleep in the bean bag, but not in front of the tv), and knowing that my husband, who missed our son's first christmas, is going to miss this christmas too, the tears just built up. and just like the levees in new orleans a few years back, i broke and the tears just started flowing. and in the midst of those tears all i could do was ball up like a baby and cry.

and then in the midst of those tears, rather then begging God to bring him home now, i praised God. we have a lot to be thankful for. and through the tears, which now seemed to be happy tears mixed with those sad tears, i praised God because my husband is alive. my husband will soon be boarding a plane and heading home to us. and he'll get off the big white bus (rather then a big white horse) on his own, unharmed. and my husband has been able to communicate with us fairly regularly. and we have a healthy son who recognizes him and his voice and is starting to realize that he has a daddy who is coming home soon. and above all, i praised God for blessing us with those things and so much more. and then i prayed: please bring him home safe, and soon. and for all his soldiers and all of our soldiers here and there and around the world. not just for them but their families. for strength; not just to be 'army strong' but for strength to be strong mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

and so, i did it. and it felt okay. i still have a lot of emotion, 18 months worth of emotion to be exact (pre deployment and the whole deployment and such), but i figure i'll get to take a shower by myself soon enough and get it all out.

always home and never helping or always gone and can't help

2008-12-07T21:27:00.000-07:00

so i was reading some posts on the mommy board i frequent and got to thinking, which is tougher: having your husband home but always busy (whether it be work or the xbox) or having your husband always gone and not able to help?

as i thought about it as i was putting cayman to bed, i came to this conclusion: i personally feel that i have it easier knowing that aaron can't be here to physically help with things like taking out the garbage on pick up day or giving cayman his bath so i can have five minutes to pee in peace. see, if he were here and always busy with work or other things, i would be disappointed and honestly, i would feel cheated. having him some 7,982 miles away doesn't make the bedtime routine any easier or in the case of today of both cayman and i being sick any better, but knowing that he isn't just 3 miles down the road does.

see, we live in a great family neighborhood. however, i was talking with some of the other mommies and started wondering, how do they deal with the fact that their husbands aren't deployed but always in the field, sometimes day at a time, sometimes just really long hours, and can't come home to help yet aren't that far away? it would drive me personally batty if aaron was assigned to jrtc and ops group and constantly in the field training soldiers who are preparing to deploy. it's important job, don't get me wrong. but to know he's that close and yet can't be home with us.

either way, i believe God puts us in situations to make us who we are and who we will become. I have become strong in many ways, yet need aaron more then anything. and with Christ as my compass and guide, i know aaron and i will make it through anything.

how does your garden grow?

2008-12-03T20:11:00.000-07:00

so, as the new wife on the block, i've been eyed already and am doing my darnest to make sure that the true us shines through. from hanging our alabama flag, okay, my alabama flag, to squaring away the house to being cheery and friendly, 'we, the williams' are making our mark.

and so, the green thumb, the martha stewart, my mother has come out in me. i decided to rescue the said excuses of flower beds outside our front door and attempt to bring some life to them. and to make the others see our 'pretty flowers' and care for our home.

but come on, honestly. the outside of your house is just as important as your own personal appearance. admit it. you know it. we are all guilty of judging our neighbors based on the appearance of their house. so, i'm wondering, how does your garden grow?

do you let the appearance outside your house accurately reflect you and your home? is your outside and your home a place of warmth? of love? of peace? and would someone be able to walk by the front of your home and go, 'wow, that house is not just four walls and a roof, but a home full of love and God's blessings.' i hope our house, our home makes people thinking that about us. as shallow and materialistic as it sounds, it's the truth and the society we live in.

so, i picked my shovel and some pansies and cayman and i tackled our mud. hopefully the end product and just seeing us work in our flower beds will make our new neighbors sigh and think, 'they'll fit right in to our cozy little family here on pinehurst street.'

welcome to ft. polk, home of the heroes and us!

2008-12-02T19:34:00.000-07:00

so, a little over a week ago we packed up and left sunny florida for ft. polk. the days since have whirl winded around and away and here we, cayman and i, are nearly a week after my parents left us, and we're doing just fine. yes, i miss them (and all of our florida friends) terribly, but as far as surviving ft. polk and the anticipation of aaron's return, we're here!

we couldn't have asked for a better house! our townhouse is beautiful and each day i'm finishing up little projects to make it feel more like home. i even hung the curtains, all by myself! i'd like to take credit for the towel bars in our bathroom, but for the sake of saving the wall, the great guys at maintenance have been called in for assistance. our neighborhood is great too! we share a wall with the post's catholic priest who is also a soldier! super neat-o guy! and since they arrange streets by paygrade, everyone on our street is about our age (or no more than five years older) and has kids ranging from cayman's age to elementary school. so we're always outside playing with the neighbors' kids. and cayman and i have decided to tackle our mud garden and plant flowers! pictures and stories to follow.

it feels good to be back too! sunday at church was tough though. the last time i really remember sitting in our church was the sunday aaron deployed. i remember attending the morning service and them asking all the soldiers who were deploying to stand and then asking when they were leaving. aaron said, 'tonight,' and with those words i thought i was going to die. but a year later and just a few weeks shy of homecoming, i sat there. sure there were a few tears in my eyes, some because it felt so good to be 'home' and some because i was remembering 'us.' sunday school class was good too. of course it was tough because i could see the flag pole with our yellow ribbons (each deployed soldier from our church has a yellow ribbon with their name on it and it's tied to the pole until the come home again). and seeing julez's picture from her last visit was tough. but then being in a room full of women, wives, mothers, spouses of soldiers, i felt like i was surrounded by people who understand me, who know me, who are me. and it was good.

and of course it's good to be back with my friends. and to be able to finally be able to participate in all those neat family activities the military has set up for us. more stories to come along with pictures! God is good, all the time!

the day has come

2008-11-22T20:25:00.000-07:00

so, i know i've been slacking in my posting this past week, but for good reason... i've been uber busy getting things in order for the big move back to ft. polk! between lining up the directv people and making sure housing knows we will be there monday, with bells on, and collecting the last of the things i want to take back with us and of course saying those awful, 'see you later,' not good-bye, my fingers and my thoughts have been exhausted.

but, as i glance around my parents' house, which seems so empty now, i can't help but feel an overwhelming amount of emotion, both happy and sad, excited but disappointed, bittersweet and blessed. when aaron left nearly a year ago, we decided it would be best for us, cayman and i and aaron's peace of mind, if we moved home with one of our parents. as much as i love aaron's parents, my parents in florida have a more similar lifestyle to ours.

so, last december my mum drove over and my little brother flew in (from alabama where he lives with my dad and stepmom) and they packed up our entire household, putting the majority into our 10x10 storage unit, but bringing back 2 jam-packed carloads. fast forward to now. as aaron and his soldiers have heard word that 15 months will be cut short, we figure we'd take our chances and move back now rather then later.

so, we packed up everything and it's all in a 10x6 trailer. my florida parents, our uncle ron and aunt bev, and cayman and i are heading out in the morning to make the drive back up florida and across the coast of the gulf of mexico and then northwest to ft. polk. it'll take us two days, but it'll be worth the trek! but, it's bittersweet too.

it's been amazing sharing this year and all it's held with my parents. from the joy they've had in their faces from watching cayman grow and discover this year to having someone to talk as an adult to our friends we've made in our playgroups and they tips we've shared with each other. but, if leaving them all here and heading back to ft. polk and its walmart and middle-nowhereness means that aaron's coming home, we'll do it. and there's nothing i would've changed about our decision to move here last year. it was definitely the right choice, for us. not anyone else, but for us.

God has blessed us this year and continues to do so. from the being close to our family, especially in those trying moments, to the friends we've made, to the amazing church home we found here, it's been a blessing. and the fact that we, especially aaron, have been so blessed with peace of mind this year is something you just can't pass up. so, prayers as we make the trek back across the coast and for a speedy next few weeks so that aaron and his soldiers can make a safe return home.

people do do this really

2008-11-18T20:12:00.000-07:00

so i'm sure y'all have received an email about a complete stranger going up to a soldier or a military spouse after eve-dropping on their conversation or noticing that they are military. and i'm sure, okay maybe i'm the only one, that you've thought that only happens in emails and to other people not in the normal world where i live and breathe and function day in and day out.

well... i'm here to prove you wrong. it does happen to everyday military wives just like you and me! today, we loaded up the wagon (cayman's new umbrella stroller is awesome but lacks the basket space that his travel system had) with aaron's last two care packages (whooo hooo!) and headed to the post office. after 60 some odd care packages, we're regulars now. as we made our way to the counter, i did my best to entertain cayman, swinging him, jumping with him, being his personal jungle gym (are you getting the picture that he's never still). we make it to the counter and have our usual chit-chat with the clerk.

apparently i was sharing my excitement about this being our last two packages too loud because the lady at the counter next to us must have heard about us and our packages. didn't bother me. it's kinda nice for people in a mostly civilian town to be reminded that even here in smalltown, usa, there are families touched by deployment. well, she tracked us down in the parking lot (kinda hard to miss the little lady with her monkey and red wagon) and asked me how much it costs to spend a package.

as i gather in my brain my speech about flat rate boxes and custom forms and stickers on the outside to make them personal, she whips out her wallet and hands me a bill! at this point the tears are welling up. she doesn't know me. i don't know her. but, she cared enough to care about us.

i told her that i couldn't take her money: a. i had just mailed off our last packages b. it just wouldn't be right. i insisted she take the money and use it for something good in our honor like 'toys for tots.' there was no arguing with this lady. as she glanced at cayman climbing all over the backseat, she insisted that i would know better what tots would like for christmas this year. okay lady, you win! i ended up taking the money and adding it to our stash for our toy shopping trip which cayman loved! look for pictures tomorrow!

it's people like this lady and the one wearing her red shirt last friday and my civi friends i've made this year that have reminded me that they don't have to 'know' me or aaron or cayman, they do what they do because they care. it's like paying it forward. so, to all those who have paid the price, thank you!

fridays = wear red

2008-11-15T21:15:00.000-07:00

so i got an email a few years back. sort of a grassroots type of movement. it encourages all those who support our troops to wear red on fridays. so, when i have a conscious moment while getting dressed on friday mornings, i try to grab my red, okay crimson or maroon, shirts. no biggie, i'm an army wife and i support my husband and all of our military. and grant it, i wear my alabama shirt (with great pride) or my virginia tech (in honor of aaron's alum mater) during football season and a red polo during the off season.

i don't wear them waiting for someone to say 'thank you' or anything about it. i wear my shades of red because i'm thankful for the brave men and women who make the sacrifices so that we may enjoy our freedoms, even if it means enjoying them without your soldier because he just happens to be one of those brave men. at anyrate, i have a point to this.

cayman and i went to the playground friday and then headed to auburndale. i needed to get the oil changed and have the land yatch checked before our big drive back to ft. polk next weekend. while in the waiting area i had a nice conversation with the ladies about aaron and our life as a military family (it seems like forever but we've only been 'us' since 2006). after the car checked out all good, we headed to wally world (i know, i'm not a fan of wal mart, but at least the auburndale one is clean and spacious) to print our thanksgiving and christmas card pictures and pick up a few things. as i'm dealing with my toddler who is dealing with his teeth coming in, yes, there are more making an appearance, we headed through the aisle. i was already a little emotional because i was picking up the last of the things i needed to finish the cookies for aaron and his soldiers and the pictures turned out so great for the cards.

well, as we're rounding an aisle i nearly hit her. she was me, just 60 years from now. she was petite. minding her own business. but she was cheery as we nearly ran her down. what caugth me and made her me, her red shirt. but it wasn't just any red polo, it has a yellow ribbon stitched on it and below it, 'thank you!' and as i made my apologizes for nearly running her over, i managed to get out, 'thank you for wearing your shirt.' as she turned down her aisle she turned back and said, 'thank you,' with the sweetest smile, knowing i was her some 60 years ago.

and then as i had managed to avoid for nearly much of the last 12 months, the tears started. right there, in the middle of the bake good aisle, the tears trickled down my face. no one else around me had a clue why. and why should they. so far removed from a military community, the only sign of military some retired snowbirds. and there, in the middle of the auburndale walmart, i was human, i was an army wife, i was the mother of a child who only been tucked into bed by his father 58 times, i was a woman with tears slowly making their way down my flushed cheeks. and, i was okay with it. because i'm okay with who i am. and i'm okay with God walking beside me as i gathered myself, prayed for our soldiers and those who support them and continued down the baked good aisle.

good times with my baby boy

2008-11-13T20:13:00.000-07:00

so i thought it would be fun to finger paint and bake together with my little man. wrong!

my sister requested an original cayman masterpiece for her birthday. so, i figured today, as i'm baking up a storm for aaron's last care package, i would strap cayman in his highchair, give him some paint and let him go to town. it would seem that most kids would love the excuse to make a mess. not my little man! a few hand prints, a little smearing, and that was it! but, he did make a lovely master piece for auntie necia's birthday!

and then i thought, hmm... let's try baking together. that wasn't a good idea either. what kid doesn't like making a mess! apparently not mine! don't get me wrong. he loves playing in the dirty, loves eating sand and dirty by the handful, but making a mess when he's actually allowed to, nope! but, we tried. and maybe we'll try again some other day.

it's things like finger painting and baking together that i love doing with cayman... and i love sending his master pieces to aaron. however, i hate that aaron hasn't baked a single cookie with cayman (or even snuck into the kitchen to steal one of the cooling rack) or made a mess with him. it's things like this that i hate that aaron is missing out on. grant it, the past 12 months cayman has been doing a lot of growing and developing to get to the point that he can finger paint and bake, and so aaron really hasn't missed much. but still. and so i wear many hats and play many roles as all aaron can do is take an active role from 7,982 miles away. and for that i'm grateful. i would rather him be an active, involved parent from over there then not even take interest. and soon, he'll be in the kitchen making a mess or on the back porch with paint all over his face too.

thank you

2008-11-10T21:28:00.000-07:00

so this time of year is always hard... sappy music, lovey-dovey couples everywhere, special activities that dads are suppose to do with their little ones and then there's veterans' day.

i'm sure we all know a solider, a military spouse, someone who has served years ago, even someone who has given the ultimate sacrifice and laid down their live for our freedoms. and as many of us get the day off and enjoy a day of resting, running around, sleeping in late or watching a parade of cute, little old vfw vets march down main street and wave our flags, it's also a day to reflect upon those who can't enjoy the day with us: those stationed across the world, those who have gone before us, those who know watch over us.

it's been nearly 4 years since my grandpa died. he was my hero. and especially my little brother's hero. he served, briefly, but he served. it's been years since my dad and i have been close, though, he is coming around finally (cayman could have something to do with that). he served. he deployed when i was in elementary school, which makes me one of those rare finds in the military: a spouse of a deployed soldier, but also the daughter of a soldier who has deployed. then there's marcus, jake, mark, and the countless other thousands who have served and will never walk amongst us again. they made the ultimate sacrifice, laying down their lives us, their friends, their loved ones, their fellow americans. and then there's aaron and the countless other thousands of soldiers currently serving us, protecting us, being soldiers.

so, i'm sure we all know someone, in some way that has served. and as you say your prayers, remember them especially on veterans' day. and as you enjoy your day off, enjoy it for them too.

the walls are coming down

2008-11-09T20:27:00.000-07:00

so i know i'm not jericho, but i feel like this deployment is marching around me and my tough walls are starting to crumble down. i know, not the best example, but it's been stuck in my head since yesterday.

so, i love fall! the leaves change colors. alabama football (roll tide! #1!). the weather cooling off (and secretly i like wearing closed=toe shoes). and the holidays: labor day starts it off followed by halloween, veterans' day, thanksgiving, christmas and capping it off with new years. but these last three years have not made this time of year easy on me.

three years ago, when aaron and first started dating, he left me on labor day for afghanistan and didn't return until after thanksgiving. last year aaron left thanksgiving weekend. and this year, well, he's missed everything so far and may not make it back in time for any of it. strike that. we celebrate all of the holidays together, through care packages, but also when aaron gets home, no matter what time of year it is (halloween in december, christmas in february).

but this year is different. i guess i'm understanding of him missing one year. and i admit, cayman was too little last year to fully, or even partially, understand and enjoy the season. but this year, as we are already playing the christmas music and neatly packed away our jack-o-lanterns, it's tougher than before.

we walked through macy's yesterday to check out the sale (we got tons of gift cards to macy's when we got married and have yet to use them so we're going to be the proud new owners of matching towels!). sure, they had the holiday decorations out (by the way, i did not, i repeat, i did not take the mannequin's silver sequence skirt, yet) and that doesn't bother me. but when they're piping through the speakers:Because I miss you, Most at Christmas time
And I can't get you, Get you off my mind, Every other season comes along, And I'm all right, But then I miss you, most at Christmas time, i lost it. and then this morning at church. i always lose it at church, today more then ever.

it's like i've been tough, not army strong but mommy strong, this whole year but as the one year mark approaches (and then marches on), i'm wearing thin. i guess it's because i can only handle so much. and who could do more? i know, God wouldn't give me anything i could handle (but i question that sometimes). and i know we have a mail stop date (a lot more than others have). but how do i tell my heart and my emotions and my son it's okay (sorry, tears making their way to their ducts to make an appearance) that aaron misses all of this, again.

i know they are just days on a calendar and that's what i tell myself to get through them. but how i can walk into a department store and not lose it (by the way, we've already written our 'dear santa' letters at macy's). how can i stand in church and praise God and not lose it (and not because i'm on fire for Him, but because i miss my prayer warrior holding my hand and encouraging me). how can i make it through another round of turkey and stuffing and pumpkin pie and not feel cheated. how can i wrap presents and head to the post office to mail them and not feel like our son is being cheated. i know. i knew the day i started dating aaron that this is our life and that one day it would come to this... but still

God grant me the stregnth to keep my walls from falling until my support and repair man is home.

christmas in november 2007

thanksgiving in december 2006

mountains and valleys

2008-11-06T20:47:00.000-07:00

so i was reading another military wife's blog and it got me thinking, how easily do we let our faith, our trust in God take second place to life, to the good times, to the moments we get caught up in when things are going so well...

so many times we find ourselves clinching to our faith, our trust in God, His word when we find ourselves in a valley, in a dark moment, tested and in a mess. but how easily we forget about Him when we find ourselves up on the mountain, warm sunshine shining down on us, tears of joy flowing from our eyes.

of course this can be applied to anyone's life, but i find myself falling victim to this especially when it comes to deployments. the orders come and find myself start tightening my hold to God's word. as the deployment date comes and goes and the month go by, it seems that i'm hanging on God's every word, clinching so tightly to all my faith and trust in God, praying He'll protect my soldier. as the mail stop date approaches and we start making homecoming banners, it seems that our grip is loosened and as our soldier returns, we return to being on the mountain, praising God at first, but quickly becoming wrapped up in the celebration, the happy tears, the sunshine on our face.

i pray this time, as we continue through this deployment and as our mail stop date approaches and we start making our homecoming banners and the day comes to throw my arms around aaron's neck finally again, that i don't loosen my grip on God, but that i continue to cling to Him with all my might. for He has gotten me this far, and i know He'll carry me all the way home.

i love you daddy! muah! kisses for you!

mail stop date

2008-11-05T20:33:00.000-07:00

mail stop date... it's the date any spouse of a deployed soldier longs for. i started yearning for this date to be issued a year ago (and aaron hadn't even deployed yet)! and, now we have one! sorry, i can't share with you the date (opsec rules!), but know that aaron will definitely be home before my birthday!

it's funny the milestones you establish when your spouse, your best friend, you whole purpose for raising in the morning (5:35 to be exact) well, besides your bright-eyed ball of sunshine called cayman, deploys and leaves you on the other side of the world while he goes and defends our freedoms, protects us, does his duties. but these milestones are what get you through those long, drawn out months that separate you.

i find that weeks go by faster. so, each week we have goals: mail one care package to aaron, go to explorations at least once (hey, got to get my membership's-worth), work-out at least three times (i'm loving me some zumba and i started my couch to 5k this week), and go on at least one other playdate. on top of that, each month i have found finding other milestones, storage rent check mailing date, various functions, and such have made the months go by, sometimes faster then others. and of course, being so busy, i have missed a few things, but overall, the important things, taking care of cayman and loving aaron from a distance still seem to be on my mind at all times.

so, as the holidays are in full swing, i find that the weeks are flying by. this week we have this and that. next week a few of these and one of those. and then it's time for this and oh that. that's how our months have been going. but this month is even more exciting... this week we have to send out our 'gobble, gobble' playdate invites and sort through all of stuff in prep of moving. next week we'll hit up the stores one last time (all we have at ft. polk are the px and walmart), and then it's time to pack those boxes and the trailer and hit the road. then it's time for unpacking our storage unit back at ft. polk and turning our hose into a home again. and then november is gone and december will be here. so, as time marches on, and God gives me more to keep me busy, i can't help but thank God for trusting me to be so busy and all the opportunities He has blessed us with.

housing

2008-11-03T19:11:00.000-07:00

so i took up the cellphone again this morning and started calling every hour to housing. surely i would eventually get to talk to someone, not just their voicemails. it didn't take too long until someone called me back, but of course it was in the midst of cayman's story time at the museum so i missed the call!

but once i got the housing relocation manager back on the phone, it ended with mixed results. we've moved up our return date, just to be safe. she has me actually written in on her calendar to call back each week to confirm our return date and to check on available housing. which brings us to the sorta disappointing news. i hate to complain and i'm grateful to have housing available on base when we return, but... when you're coming from a 2-bedroom house with a yard and room and oh the stuff we have to fill all that room... it's tough to move back in to a small, apartment-style housing possibly without a yard and definitely limited storage and room. which, we knew this. we had accepted the fact that we would be in a townhouse on the north side of the base. however, when i called today, it seems like we may be moving into an even smaller single level (which is actually better for cayman) apartment. and if we're on the second floor, no yard. and it's on the south side, which is 'trashy' according to those who have lived on base.

but, i know i must keep an open mind, be flexible and have faith in God that he'll take care of us and provide. tomorrow i start sorting through all of the stuff we have here and getting things ready for our yard sale.
between all we've accumulated here this year and our 10x10 storage unit back in louisiana, it'll take some creativity to make it all fit and still feel like home. but, i'm up for the challenge and as long as aaron and cayman are somewhere in the house with me, we'll be just fine!

you knew this day would come

2008-11-02T21:49:00.000-07:00

so i watched 'army wives' tonight, mostly so i could just disagree with everything they were doing and saying, but also to see what they actually got right.

first, what they got right: can i say pamela couldn't have been more on the money then she was about your career when you marry in to the military. it's an awful reality, but the truth of the matter is this. when you marry into the military you aren't giving up your career, but you must understand that you are giving up the chance to build a career in an area for much longer than three years at a time. sure moving every three years or so makes it hard to establish a career of your own, but you knew that would happen when you married your hero.

which brings us to the moving part. i'm sorry if i seem a little less tearful about moving, but when you've moved all your life, every three years like clock work, you get use to it. it's a fact of army life. as a kid, i knew that every three years the movers would come and they would pack us up and it would be time to make new friends. and well, when we didn't move after being at redstone in alabama, where my dad retired, it was rather odd. and well, as we, aaron and i (and now cayman) approach our three year mark at our base, the moving itch is creeping in. sure, i'll miss my friends, my church, that great little mom-n-pop lunch counter. but let's face it, with today's technology, they're all a phone call, an email, or even a myspace page away. and always the perfect excuse for a road trip.

so, the day the movers bring those boxes to your new house, that's the day you start the countdown to the next move. it's a fact of army life. so, you make what you can of the three or so years you have at your duty station and remember that God put you on this pathway for a reason, so don't go cursing his name when the pcs orders come.

let's play house

2008-11-01T19:30:00.000-06:00

so i don't know your situation, how you met your husband, where in your journey of this thing called life you or your husband were when you met, or where you are now. i do know though where we were and where we are... and it definitely has never been playing house.

i attended a baby shower today (i'll post pictures of the gift i made for this shower and another. this really has been the weekend of showers). the father, 19 year old marine, seems to be very responsible and taking responsibility for his actions. he joined the marines, requested a job that wouldn't put him on the front lines, and has been working very hard to save money and get things ready for his baby girl due to arrive next month. the mother, a 17 year old soon-to-be high school graduate (graduating early in december) and army brat, seems to think this is all a game. grant it, the father is like my little brother, so i've seen him grow and ride the roller coaster of the teenage years and am very proud to see how he is handling this situation. the mother, whom i don't know well, i'm just basing my observations of the few times we've interacted. the problem here in lays in the fact that the father busted his butt to make it home from his duty station in mississippi (driving 10 hrs after getting off of work) to spend the weekend with his wife. mind you he's been in boot camp and then home for a few days before leaving for his duty station. this is the first time he's been home since leaving in august. so, it bothers me that the wife spent most of the weekend with her friends rather than with her husband. hello! he's 10 hrs away, you're carrying his child, and you're busy spending time with your friends who are here every single day! just seems like marriage and parenting aren't high on her list right now.

then we have our friends. our age. love them to death. however, it hit me the other day that the wife seems to forget that this isn't a game. being married to an air force pilot, he can get the call at anytime and have to deploy. something she knew when they got married. heck, she knew the day she started dating him in high school that he was going to college and then career air force. and she knew deployments would be part of their future. now that he's on altar, the reality is finally sinking in.

and then there's us. on our first date, which was 12 hours long for this very reason, we laid out all the cards and were completely honest with each other. aaron made it very clear that the military and maybe someday the fbi, are very much part of his life and factors he has no control over. and i made it very clear that i would support him in these endeavours. we discussed everything from deployments to kids to careers, all in that first date. and as our relationship became more serious, we discussed them all even more and laid out our plans. no surprises (well, okay. we planned on cayman, just not the timing).

i understood and understand the reality of our life. the fact that aaron has very limited control over his career and things like moving and deploying and how many holidays he misses, has never been a secret nor something i ignored. maybe being an army brat helps. but maybe because we have a plan, which is ultimately guided by God and actually laid out by Him, we're not playing house, we're living life. yes, it is upsetting when the call comes and aaron has to pack his bags, but it's not a shocker, it's reality. and i can't just take off my apron (which i bought a super cute one the other day. you can detach the top portion if you want just a half apron!)and say 'game over' or 'let's have a do-over.' all i can do is be honest and faithful to my husband and trust in God and not play pretend.

so, are you playing house or living life?

i'm a second class jerk

2008-10-30T20:28:00.000-06:00

so aaron and i get to talk and see each other fairly regularly on the webcam. and we love to share those silly rumors and laugh about them. it's our way of sharing and then stopping the mill.

well, a few weeks back he shared a rumor about the redeployment timeline being moved up possibly. no biggee... nothing in paper and because of aaron's job, he's most likely gonna be on the last flight. so, it went in one ear, hung in my brain for a few lingering moments: oh wouldn't it be nice to have him home early, and out the other.

today he shared another rumor. odd that he's getting more rumors these days than me. it's usually the other way around, but i'm guessing since we're so far from our base and new in our unit, i'm left with none to share. so today's rumor really moves up the redeployment timeline. and up that any other wife's response would have been: omg! are you serious! that would be awesome! when will you know for sure? oh i'm so excited! i know it's just a rumor (imagine me doing the happy dance here), but i'm so excited!

no, not me. what did i say: but hunny, if that timeline holds, our house won't be ready and we, cayman and i, won't even back yet. WHAT A JERK AM I! i was so worried about our housing and having everything unpacked that the fact that my husband who has been gone nearly a year now would be home earlier than expected. yes, feel free to give me the 'horrible, insensitive wife of the year' award now. and you know what my amazing husband said to this: sweetie, i can always get on a later flight. what? who volunteers for a later flight home so that his wife can unpack boxes?!?

so as i'm dialing picerne (army housing), it hit me... so what if we're in guest housing. so what if our house is full of boxes and we're eating off paper plates? so what if we move back earlier than planned? all that matters is that aaron will be home, safe, with us. at that moment i hung up the phone and sent aaron's computer a text message: i'm so sorry i'm a second class jerk. i want you home as soon as you can get on a flight. don't worry about when or the house, just get home as soon as possible. i love you!

geez! talk about having a brain fart! so, now i'll be emailing housing, moving up our return date and kicking my butt into gear so i can get the welcome home banners done. even if it's just a stupid rumor, i'm ready for my hubby to be home, no matter when or how many boxes are still packed.