well fiddle sticks! it has been way too long!

it's amazing how quick time can slip between your fingers and the next thing you know, you're holding a piece of paper with orders and a new duty station on it. and to be honest, i'm thrilled, even if it's ft. polk, again.

in my heart of hearts, i feel as if it's time for us to move on. it's time for us to fade out with the summer sunset and start the summer off some where different. apparently, i'm the only one who shares these feelings. my hubby, well he isn't feeling anything but cheated, but punished, but are you serious. and part of me can't blame him for that, and part of me wants to tell him to suck it because it's going to be good for us, for all of us.

back in november he got his list. 25 locations, including pearl harbor, belgium, ft sam houston, ft meade, homestead air reserve, all great places minus ntc at ft irwin, jrtc at ft polk and four sfaat slots. he made his list and i made mine, we compared and made our list. he submitted and waited, and waited, and waited, like three weeks. that's really a fast turn around. in that time i had told a few military intel wives that we mi folks get to see places because everyone needs an mi person. little did i know that i was lying to them about seeing places.

i remember that monday afternoon. he had just started leave and accompanied me to the general's volunteer holiday social. we picked up our boys and headed to his office because he, okay we, were impatiently waiting for our next big adventure. and then it came. just a few words and a report that. and then came the silence and then the ugly growl and then the 'are you serious' (had our boys not been in the office, i'm sure there would have been some very colorful words).

it took him 45 minutes to calm down and formulate a response to his assignment. he pulled every card out possible.

and then we waited, and i think he seriously prayed some big ones, and we waited. and the emails came, but they were delays, i'm working with my branch person, hang in there, oh it's the holidays, blah, blah, blah.

and then it was christmas and new years and our home was filled with guests and there was my hubby pouting like some five year old who didn't get that shiny new bike he had wanted for christmas.

finally he went back to work and finally got an answer: we took the best of the best, the top 15% and sent their names to the training centers and let them select their folks.  

okay, i can accept that. you're in the top 15%. the best of the best. it's apparently a good career move.

and the pouting continued. and honestly, i wanted to put my petite little hands on his 6'3" frame and just shake him. are you kidding me. it could have turned out way worse... you could be deploying. we could be staying here and you going unaccompanied. we could be moving in six weeks... it could be way worse.

it's been two weeks now. i'm thrilled about our move. i'm ready to move. it's time to move. it's been three and half years since we got here. i'm getting our boys ready to move and most days our oldest, a whole five years old now, is on board with the move. who knows, maybe as the weeks pass and we prepare to sell our house and he gets ready to hand over the reigns to his company it will sink in how much we will benefit from this move. until then, i will just support him and make the most of it, as difficult as it is, i will stand there and support him. 

jealous bug, be gone

oh Lord, i want to be supportive and appreciative and have happy tears for them, but seriously, what about us?

i'm watching 'coming home' on lifetime and as heart-touching as the reunions are, i'm jealous. jealous to hear that the navy aviator was deployed only 7 months, total. jealous that some tv show was able to get a dad home early for his daughter's concert. jealous that at the end of the day, we'll be doing another 12 + months deployment, my boys will once again be bonding with their father thanks to a webcam, jealous that at the end of the day, they will never hear our story. and i don't like the jealous feeling, it's not who i am.

but then again, why not be jealous? heck, i would love a deployment that lasted less than 12 months. i would love for my husband to be home for our boys' birthdays (sure, he'll be home for the birth of our son and be able to put him to sleep for the first 12 days of his life, and then he'll be gone for another 6 + months). i would love for him to be able to take our son to soccer (no 3 yr old should break down in the middle soccer because he misses his daddy that much). i would love for my husband to come home at the end of this deployment and know he'll be home for the rest of our boys' lives.

but at the end of the day, it's not the path God has laid before. it's not the journey He has chosen for us. and it's not the easy road we will take. but, it is the road He is carrying us down. and so, jealousy aside, i will try to be happy for those reunited with their loved ones as we wait, and wait, and wait.

this deployment is due to end me

so this is the deployment that will due me in, i can feel it.

it's like this. he calls like clockwork. and if he can't call, he emails or messages me. even when they go to blackout, i still get a message to reassure me that he is okay. if he leaves the fob, he lets me know that it'll be a few days and that's all i need for peace of mind.

fast forward to the last 24hrs: he called, said good night to lil man, we chit-chatted for a few brief moments before he had to go to work (it's daytime there when it's nighttime here. actually works out real conveniently for lil man's bedtime routine and still having daddy be part of it), our usual phone call. then came the day. i had an ob appt (36wks!), we had our usual chick-fil-a playdate (which is when he would usually call), we went to the gym (i'm still doing yoga) and ran some errands, had lil dragons (and lil man is doing so well), had dinner and started our bedtime routine. lil man had a rough bedtime tonight (there was some scratching and hitting and begging for daddy), so i really was hoping hubby would call to help lil man. well, no call during the day and no bedtime call...

first i thought maybe it was my phone. then i thought maybe something had happened and he didn't get a chance to get me a message. after checking with other wives, i was told it was a normal, crazy stress-filled day and their husbands were all in bed. hmmm.... this is where having taken the resiliency training back fired. rather than not catophersizing, i did catophersize. and boy am i good about thinking the worse of the worse. literally, i was down to counting the minutes until 11pm because i knew they can't make a notification after 11pm and i would have at least a few more hours to hear from him, that's how bad i am.

long story shortened, i got an email about how crazy stress-filled the day was and then he had the pleasure of fixing his computer that had crashed on him. so, rather than sleeping, my hero spent most of his night working on his computer so that when he gets off work he can call home finally. God, i love him!

but between preggo hormones and a preschooler and life and just being over these deployments, if i could drinking, there'd be a strong one on my desk right now. instead, i put my trust in God and know that He will get us through this.

and now, i understand

so i could never understand why so many women complained about being pregnant. it's such an awesome miracle. such an awesome gift. and now, i understand how awesomely painful it can be.

i've reached 34 weeks and by this time last time, with lil man, i was breezing through the pregnancy, with not a care in the world. well, buddy, not this time. sure i have a preschooler and a deployed hubby, but this time around more than anything, i think my body is totally making up for my easy pregnancy with lil man.

arthritis: got it so bad that my arms go numb, driving down the road, chopping up veggies, sleeping, you name it, my arms are in pain. back pain: hello! and i have a 33lb preschooler who has been sick for the entire month of february it seems, so lots of cuddling and holding. sleeplessness: i sleep in 4 hour shifts. which i guess it nice because i feel like my body is preparing itself for midnight feedings, but i would enjoy getting some sleep, for more than 4hrs at a time. (because a nap for lil man isn't always in the cards for him) and getting comfortable: forget it. i can't sit comfortable anymore. i definitely don't sleep comfortable. i can't get comfortable driving (and i have super comfy sits in the honda). and showering, i'm to the point i need a chair in the shower just so i don't fall out.

so, i can completely now understand why so many women complain about the discomforts of being pregnant. but for me, every.single.ache. has been worth it. even when he's found joy in poking my cervix or even barrows his head in to my pelvis, it's been worth it all.

34 wks

take that deployment and preggo hormones and life in general

yeah, you heard me... take that deployment, and preggo hormones and life in general. today, i took prisoners, and no nothing took me as their prisoner (i'm sure for that i'll be paying for it for the next few weeks). but it felt so great to feel so accomplished today.

as i stood and stared at our calendar on the 10th of this month, for a month i was filled with joy thinking we had just made it to the 5 month mark, and then reality slapped me, hard, across the face (and i think some spit even hit the ground) that we had only survived 4 months of this endless deployment. and so, i found myself in a puddle on the floor.

and then there are those preggo hormones. between heartburn in the afternoon, evening, middle of the night, just flat out whenever, and feeling huge, even larger than an elephant at times, and just flat out being sore.all.the.time. and running on sleep that i collected during a 4 hour shift of sleeping, at least i'm getting ready for night time feedings, right, you could say this pregnancy is owning me.

and don't forget life. 24 hours to make the most of and then you get a whole new 24 hours. and with a 3 year old who was sick and then a preggo mommy who has been hanging on for some unknown reason to the crud, and the emotions and everything else that comes with life and deployment, there have been more gray days that resemble ft. lewis's weather than our weather lately.

but not today! today i accomplished a whole heap of things. broke in to my own home. felt great all day. didn't let a single bump in the road stop us. today i felt as if God himself was walking right in front of me making sure no one and nothing even looked at us the wrong way. what an amazing feeling. i pray it continues, or at least rears its head more often around here.

so drained and it has even been a 100 days

we're riding the deployment roller coaster again and to be honest, it's true, it never.ever.gets easier.

we're not a 100 days in yet, getting close though, and already i feel drained and completely over this whole deployment. sure i have a 3 year old to tame and am baking a bun and am a homeowner this time around. and yes we just spent the last 10 weeks traveling. but honestly, i'm over it all.

i'm over being strong. i'm over being supportive (not of hubby because he is my hero i'll carry him to the end of the earth). i'm over being understanding how this may be hard for this person or that person. i'm over cooking for lil man and myself (i hate leftovers). i'm over being organized and getting care packages out in time for each holiday (yes, i bought moon pies today for the mardi gras package). i'm just flat out over it.

and i know God is actually the one carrying me and i'm being selfish, but i feel like i'm at this alone. and i know i'm not. but still. tomorrow is another day and another 24hrs to fill to the brim and trust God i'm doing the best i can.

project: pay it forward

so rather than another 'perfect list,' this year i want to do something to help others. i want to do something each month to help someone else, pay it forward, because we are fortunate to be able to financially do so. so each month i want to take $50 from our spending/ allowance money and do something for someone else. here's my list so far:

grocery giftcard
pay on someone else's utilities
mani/pedi giftcard with childcare
donate a mops (mothers of preschoolers) scholarship
dinner/date giftcard with childcare

i know there are a billion other things i can do. i'm so excited! i figure there are even things i can do without spending a dime, that i want to do as rak (random acts of kindness) and even things our lil man can do. i figure this will be our year of paying it forward.