it's been six months

so, it's almost as if it were yesterday. seriously. i logged on to my myspace account, checked the friends' status section and had to re-read it several times. but it didn't seem real until the news came on and my mom said, 'hey, isn't that julez, heather's sister?'

she was so posed. so put together. the black ribbon with marcus's name and his dates seemed so out of place during the interview. it seemed like a bad dream. but when i got the text from aaron about the black out, a world of emotions came flooding in.

i didn't know right away what or how, all i knew was that there was a blackout and that marcus was gone. i figured it was a patrol causality, not a direct attack. but months later when i saw the footage on aaron's computer (they had posted it to their version of youtube), the emotions came back. those few days to follow were one of the few out of the last 340 something days that i cried.

when your husband is deployed, you dread the knock on the door. you dread closing your eyes sometimes. you dread the thought that you might never get to put your arms around him, have him pick up your son or even smell him again. and when it happens to someone else, a little piece of you shakes with fear. but when you can put a real familiar face and voice and family with the name and the dates, the reality of war hits you face on and all you want to do is curl up like a baby and cry. and that's how i felt that day and the days to come after.

the day they buried marcus was one i hope to never relive and you never have to experience. to watch your friend collapse in the arms of her sister and brother-in-law (who literally picked up his brother). to hear the guns fire.
to watch the people of small town, usa line the streets with their flags and signs. to cry uncontrollably because he isn't coming home, but your husband is. to have all this and every other sound, taste, sight, feeling and smell overwhelm your body is unbelievable and nearly unbearable.

had it not been for julez and heather's faith, i know they would have struggled even more. and because of my continued faith and trust in God, i make it through each day. and when the memories of that day come flooding in, i pray an extra prayer for strength and trust that i won't have to pick out a casket, i won't have to receive a flag, i won't have to be posed because i can't.

as military spouses, we know though that this is always a possibility. and for that moment there are no trainings, there are no briefings, there is nothing to prepare you but your faith. so hold close to your faith and know that God's plan is way better then yours. and He knows what He's doing. because of His plan, we have another beautiful angel to watch over us. thank you sgt. marcus mathes for all you've done and continue to watch over our soldiers and us.