always

but i believe always always

our Savior never fails

even when all hope has failed

our God knows our pain and His promise remains

He will be with you always

~ building 429

today is a tender day in our lives. a year ago today, aaron's base went on blackout, again, after being attacked. there are many stories about what exactly happened: they guys in the tower fell asleep, they didn't recognize the truck setting up with the mortars, and so on. what did come about though was the loss of three soldiers and a wake up call to many, including myself. if wasn't until after aaron returned home and he opened up to me one night about that day a year ago that i realized how truly blessed i am... had my husband been in the right place at the right time as he had been everyday, the causality list would have included one more. but God had a different plan for him and for us.

it's not that i knew marcus personally. i don't know jules personally either. but as i watched the evening news last april, being able to connect a real person, a person who sat near us at church, a person whose family i knew, a person who seemed to have so much life ahead of him and his wife, it made the loss all the harder. i'm saddened each time the Good Soldier blog is updated with a loss of another soldier. but being able to connect a person you know to that name makes it all the harder.

cayman and i along with my mum attended the funeral on may 2nd for marcus. seeing the people, real people, people who lived in our community, people whose lives were now missing someone, made it all the more real. the 21 gun salute and the folding of the flag made me clutch cayman all the tighter and made me appreciate my husband all the more.

so as the anniversary comes today as it will every year, i am reminded that God is always with us. jules has moved on, she's making a new life as she carries the memories of her buried husband with her. heather and bryan and the kids are making the most of each day. each day i look at my husband and i flashback to what could have been a knock on my door and the evening news highlighting aaron's life. and through it all, i remember, God is with us always, through the pain and through the joy of life.

ps, i honestly don't know what i would do without you. you are my reason for raising in the morning. you are my reason for making the most of each day. you are the reason i feel i have purpose as a wife and a mother. without you, i am lost, just a child of God without a purpose. i love you

bloom where you're planted, right

so i know they say that you're suppose to bloom where you're planted. and then God told us about the seeds that fell on various soil and what happened with them. and then sunday at the church we were visiting (may be our new church home) they were discussing all their ministries and how it is not by works that we are saved but that we are saved by grace to do good deeds. and so, with all this, i got to thinking...

what if God is trying to use all of these instants to send me a loud and clear message: dear child, you've got the right idea, you need to bloom where you are planted, get involved, spread my word, but you also need to take care of yourself. fix the soil you're growing in. you've got the right idea, but just like your flowerbed, you need to mix in some good soil, condition the ground so that my word can grow strong in you and you can with stand the fierce winds that howl down the mountain and the heavy rains during the monsoon season.

heavy, right? but i think i'm getting it. it's amazing how God can take everyday little things, make sure you hear or see or do them and this big, beautiful message come from it. sunday the pastor also quoted something beautiful from mother theresa: i am but a pencil in the hand of a writing God who is writing a love letter to the world. wow! i want to be that pencil! i want to be that instrument God is using to write to the world about His amazing love, His never-ending presence, His word.

and so i pray and i challenge you too, if you're not rooted in good soil, get some conditioner (friends, bible study, music) and fix what you're growing in for if we don't, we will surely not bloom where we are planted nor will be survive nor be able to help the world see that beautiful love letter God is writing.

ps, i love you and want you to help me grow where i'm planted by growing right next to me

my little earthworm

conditioning the soil

re-energized

so i have to completely brag for a moment: i spent nearly 10 hours today away from my boys being pampered with a facial, massage, lunch, pedicure, steam treatment, sugar scrub, relaxing waterfalls, and a quick trip to pottery barn. but, it was aaron's treat to me after a long 18 months: cayman was born, aaron deployed, i finished grad school with a 3.92, aaron's alive date, marcus died, aaron came home, we're reintegrating, we moved 1200 miles. whew, that's a lot in 18 months.

so, as i'm sitting there in the steam cubbie with my fancy paper sheet (like you get when you go to your lady check up) i started thinking about how much i had left to do in and around our new house to really make it feel like home. and then i was thinking about what kind of mess the boys were making at the house. and then, in the midst of my back being showered with warm steam, the temperature rose and it was like God trying to shake me. here i was in this tranquil surrounding fretting over things i had no control over. and at that moment i thought, 'God, i give it all to you. if you brought me to a place so serene and tranquil, you must be re-energizing me for a reason and i can't be fully re-energized if i'm busy worrying over things the birds don't even worry about.' as i enjoyed the rest of my time at the spa, i had several nice conversations. during one particular conversation with the lady giving me my facial and pedi, i was reminded of who i am: that girl who finds the positive in everything. that girl who decides to make the most of everything.

and so, i thank you Lord for re-energizing me. for giving me rest. for letting me see that i can find myself again. for preparing me for the important things: trusting in you and loving my family. who cares if there are still books and dvds in boxes. who cares if not all the pictures are hung. who cares if the laundry is still in the drier. the birds of the field don't, so why should i waste my time worrying over the things i can't control.

ps, i love you and thank you for allowing me the opportunity to reconnect and rediscover the things i needed to to be a wonderful wife and loving mother.

you get what you pray for

so i'm always praying for patients with cayman. he's 18 months old and as curious and adventurous as they come. and i pray for strength to face the things that i can not hang. well, the other night we're saying our blessing over dinner and it hit me, i can't have patients or strength unless God gives me a reason to have them and use them.

it's one of those things, you pray for rain and you get a monsoon. you pray for sunshine and you get crystal clear days with high temperatures. so many times we find ourselves praying for things (after praising of course) but forgetting that all good things will come to us, but we will have to use them. we will have to endure them and all that comes with them. and with that, we must also remember, God will not give us more then we can handle. sometimes we just have to ask him for help.

i have been fighting a lot of stress and anger lately. stress you would expect from me with the recent move and all. but anger, that is one that has caught me off guard. however, knowing that going to God with an open heart and mind and asking him for help is the way to go, but not easy, i find myself somewhat spiraling. when one exams my life, the list of blessings is ridiculously long and one might question where this anger is coming from (i quesiton it everytime i get upset). however, knowing that i can seek God and he will point in the right direction to deal with this, i find comfort knowing that i will battle and i will defeat this demon.

knowing that i never walk alone, even when the valley is deep and long and the mountain top seems so far out of reach, i can keep my head up and know i will get back on top of the mountain, both inside and out.

ps, i love you and i love you for sticking by me through this all.

2 year down, forever to go

today, april 7th, we celebrated our second anniversary as husband and wife. but before we got to the 'i do,' we had to have our first date, three years ago today. well, actually, it was suppose to be on april 4th, watching the ncaa championship game at hooters. but, i stood aaron up (at least i stood him up at hooters. and in my defense, i did text him, but he left his phone at work).

i remember that friday night like it was yesterday. i was running late as usual. the first time i saw aaron in person, i thought, 'man, he's hot! at least i'll get to say i went on one date with a total hottie!' little did i know that 12 hrs later we'd watch the sun rise on the beach of mac dill afb, the same beach where we would get married one year to the date later. i remember aaron being worried that i didn't like him because i didn't talk much during the first part of our date (he took me to a tampa storm arena football game). but hey, i was in to the game. after the game we headed for channelside to grab something to eat. who knew we'd spend the next three hours in a booth at tina tapa's talking about everything. and i do mean everything. and if we didn't talk about it over tapas, we talked about it as we huddled on the deck of the seascape on the beach at mac dill. we did make our way to his car because it got cold and we were tired. but, we did awake in time to see the sunrise. and then, he drove me back to my car. and followed me out of the parking garage. a few hours later, i got a call. time for a second date! and the rest is history.

so, here we are three years later. mr. & mrs. of two years and our whole lives ahead of us. isn't it great how God's plans seem to always turn out so beautifully when you just let him take control. i can't wait to see what he has planned for us, mr. & mrs., husband & wife, parents.

ps, i love you, today, tomorrow and forever

bringing it all out

so we're moving, wait, pcsing. no big deal. in my lifetime, i've pcsed now nearly two whole handfuls. however, this is our first pcs as a family. it's my first pcs as a wife, as a mother, as the one who has to make sure we have everything we need, that the movers are feed, that the paperwork is somewhere secure yet easily accessible, just the one who has to think of everything for everyone. which, to be honest, is okay with me. well, until i hit resistance or just deaf ears and feel like our teamwork has become more work and less team, just me.

i hate that when stressed, the ugly comes out. it seems that when we're being tested most, it seems that those not so nicenesses of us seem to rear their ugly sides. why? because we subcome to it and rather then making the most of the situation and raising above it, we let the stress bring us down. and i don't like it. but, as many times as i resolve to do better next time (which sometimes is five minutes later), it's hard. but, being able to step back, say 'enough' and stand up, take a breathe and move on to something more productive is so worth the effort.

so as we prepare to clear housing tomorrow, i'm sitting in our hotel room with its giant king size bed and whirl pool tub (so nice, if only i could clean it myself and partake) thinking, i must resolve again to do better tomorrow. i don't want our teamwork to be done in vain, but for us to make this move a success because we communicated, we listened, we worked together. and so, i pray, yes God, grant once more an opportunity so i may use patient and understanding and willingness to compromise. and though i know it will be hard and easier just to argue, let me hold my tongue, open my ears and think out my next step.

ps, we can work together because look at what we've created by doing so (our beautiful son, silly)