lost in communication or lack of

so it's been 62 days since aaron has come home from his 14 month deployment. during that deployment, he lived in a bombed out building with some 145 other guys. he used a 'pee bottle' when he didn't want to trek across the base to the bathroom to handle his business. he worked 14 crazy hours a day. ate crappy food. had some strangers washing his clothes. and watched us live our lives over here via the webcam and the pictures and home-made movies we sent home.

no cake walk by any means. and sure, it was crazy stressful. and sure, it definitely doesn't compare to walking up in your own comfy bed next to your spouse. it doesn't compare to running pt and then coming home for a hot shower and breakfast with your toddler son, who was a baby when you deployed. it doesn't compare to having a wife who cleans the house, from top to bottom, everyday, has lunch and dinner ready when you get home and every week or so bakes cookies for your soldiers. it doesn't compare to having a 52' flatscreen to watch all the tv you want or to play your xbox on. it doesn't compare to having a new car in the drive way or orders to a new, much better base.

so, with all that said though, there is no excuse for the lack of communication. i knew that when aaron deployed he'd come home a different man and i would become a different woman. i prayed everyday that we'd grow together despite the distance into the new people we'd be. i prayed he'd come home and leave the violence over there. leave the anger outside our house. and he did. but, he also left his easy-going self. he left his openness. he left his communication skills. he left the man i married some 7,982 miles behind. and i can work with that. but, then again, i can't work with someone who isn't willing to work with me.

i have to take off my mask and be transparent for a moment. for 62 days i have been out on the beach of life, out in the water. and to most it seems like i was just splashing around in the water, having a great time enjoying life as it will be now. however, i must confess, this whole time i've been out to sea treading water, struggling to keep my head above water. i feel that aaron's quick, short temper and inability to communicate with me is the undertow trying to drag me down. between taking care of cayman and maintaining our routine and standard of living, i'm struggling to take care of aaron (and us) and maintain the house as he adds to the mess and is slow to contribute to helping clean up.

don't get me wrong. he picks up here and there. he does amazing with cayman's bath time (i'm no longer allowed to give him a bath because daddy does it way better). he does a great job of maintaining the computers and cleaning the new car. but his clothes have become a tripping hazard in our bedroom, most days i end up emptying and reloading the dishwasher and i have a secret affair with the garbage now again (taking it out).

but, i have to say, there is light and hope for us. we will make it through these rough waters and we will make it ashore to walk hand and hand down the beach. we've switched to the couples' sunday school class which is studying the five love languages. just knowing our love languages and learning how to check and maintain each other's 'love tank,' is helping us make that progress, slowly, but surely.














ps, i love you, through these tough times and always. it's not all you, it's a lot of me too.

half way to stable

so it's been 45 days since aaron came home. so, we're half way to stabilized. it also means that we're only 320 days away from possible deployment orders again. i've been fighting in my head to keep the positive in focus rather then the negative, but it's there and it's hard to brush off because there's so much truth and possibility to it.

however, in the first 45 days, we've accomplished so much as a family. cayman and aaron have bonded amazingly! i have little happy tears in my eyes when i hear them laughing and aaron goofing off with cayman. it melts my heart! and it's calmed all my fears about the two of them knowing what to do with each other.

as far as the two of us... we've picked up where we left off some 14 months ago. still goofy and dorky as ever with each other. and well, there have been those moments when we butt heads and fuss at each other and have 'stupid' fights. but, we always make up. and well, we've always said, we'd rather have 'stupid' fights (chores, duh moments) then serious' fights (finances, faithfulness, etc). but overall, we're still that newlywed couple who give each other butterflies and say 'i love you' a million times a day.

so, as terrified as i was about reintegrating and life that could come after aaron came home, i have put my fears in the hands of God and what an amazing experience it's been so far. and just as i have put those fears in God's hands, i must surrender my countdown to aaron's next orders.

ps, i love you even when we have those 'stupid' fights.

the happiest place on earth

so for my birthday, we spent the day at magic kingdom. know that we only went because all three of us got in free. we had a great time! i was really amazed how well cayman did! during the five hours we were there, he only melted down at the end which was our cue to head out. all together, it was truly a wonderful day!

the first few pictures are from our saturday afternoon at downtown disney we spent with my mum at rainforest cafe and getting cayman his first lego set!

sanctuary

"Take me to that place, Lord,

To that secret place.

Where I can be with You

and you can make me like You.

Wrap me in Your Arms.

Wrap me in Your Arms.

Wrap me in Your Arms."


have you ever sat in church, your sanctuary and been wrapped up in praise and worship and the spirit moves through you and as you sing your love song to God, you find yourself singing a love song to someone else? many times last year, while aaron was deployed, i felt this way. not that i compare aaron to God or worship him in the same. but when you truly listen and feel those lyrics, it's not only a love song to God, but many times can be a love song to your loved one.

as we sat in church this morning and last sunday, i found myself doing the same, but this time i could hold my loved one's hands. it was an amazing feeling to return to my sanctuary, my hiding place from the world all last year while aaron was deployed, but this time return with him and share the experience. we have been attending church at ft. polk, but these last two sundays we've been visiting my parents in florida. i loved lakeside victory because it's relaxed (everyone, including the pastor wears jeans), there are tons of friendly people (they have small groups each semester for fellowship), and they meet at the movie theater (they rent the south wing of the cobb theater).

the darkness of the theater was my favorite part. we, my mum, cayman and i, could attend, shake hands and meet people, but then we could also sit in our comfy reclining movie chairs and rock back and forth as we listened to the messages without being distracted or distracing anyone. i loved that i could go in, bawl my eyes out and not have everyone staring at me. i loved that i could feel like a wife, a mom, a child of God facing her fair share of challenges and not be a novelty item (the whole army wife of a deployed soldier made me a novelty in this predominately civilian town). and i loved that i could sing my love song to God, but i could also sing my love song to my husband thousands of miles away.

i find that during deployments and during non deployment times it is very important to find yourself a sanctuary. for some it may be a church, for some it may be a lake, but where ever it may be, find your love song for God, but also your love song for your loved one.

ps, take me to that place and wrap me in your arms for i just want to be me, and only me.

what next

it's your birthday and your husband has just come home from iraq... what are you going to do next?

WE'RE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD! well, just the magic kingdom since i only get a 'one park' pass. but hey, FREE is free! promise to post pictures from our fun adventures!

we did it!

so today, we did it! we agreed upon it, did our research, saved up all deployment and today, we made our first purchase together as a married couple. we made our first MAJOR purchase, as a married couple. we bought our new family car! meet Optimus, our new honda pilot!

we decided that we would use the money we got from aaron's deployment to buy a new family car. we sold my beloved toyota corrolla just before aaron deployed because it would earn us the most money and aaron's just head over heels in love with his intrepid. well, that meant that when aaron came home some 31 days ago, we became two-driver, one-car household. talk about limiting your freedoms. but it's okay.

today we made the transfer from our high interest savings account to our checking account and headed to the dealership. we knew what dealerships we wanted to visit and we knew what cars we wanted to test drive and we even knew what price the dealers bought their inventory at and what was a reasonable asking price for each make, model and trim of vechile.

we pulled up to the first dealership, looked around the lot and told the dealer what we wanted: an 8-person non-van vechile. oh, and it had to be blue. quickly he lead us over to the honda pilot (which we knew they had on the lot because we searched their inventory last night). after climbing in and out of the car and asking a million questions, we put cayman's carseat (who was sleeping on aaron's shoulder)in the pilot and took him out for a drive. what a sweet ride!

after returning to the dealership it was time to talk price. it didn't take long before we had the dealer saying, 'i don't want to lose your business.' so, he took us to the other end of the dealership so we could look at the 'other' car (it's like trying on wedding dresses. you know the first dress you try on is the dress, but you must try on several more just to reassure yourself). we looked, we were not impressed, we sat back down and said, 'we'll take your honda.' and so, after a million signatures, a detailing clean of our pilot and a quick tutorial on all the fancy buttons in the pilot, we drove optimus, our new honda pilot off the lot and home!

admiring his new best friend









what a great feeling to have done this together, as a couple.





ps, i love you, no matter how ocd you're being about optimus

exhausted: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually

so i knew it wouldn't be easy. and i knew we'd be different people when aaron came home. but i never expected to feel this way. and i don't like it.

it's been 28 days since aaron came home. in those 28 days, he's done so much. he and cayman are bonding amazingly. he's starting to get back into the swing of being a husband and starting to become comfortable with being a dad, a dad at home. all that said, everything on the homefront seems to be going very well, better then expected. but, i feel still exhausted.

it could be that as much as aaron has jumped into life as a husband and dad at home, there's still a lot for him to pick up. there are days i find myself envious, jealous of the fact that he gets to 'ease' back into homelife and i've just loaded up my plate with more responsibilities. and i hate that feeling. i feel like at any moment i could break, i could have a complete meltdown. i even question God about his sense of humor about this all.

don't get me wrong. i wouldn't trade anything in the world for aaron, cayman or us finally being a family under the same roof. and last night as aaron and i laid in the bed and had our 'pillow talk,' i reassured him of that, but i also let him know that i feel exhausted, that i need his help. and for me, that was one of the hardest things ever to do. to tell the man of dreams, my rock, the man who thinks of me as superwoman, that i need help. but, knowing that men aren't great at picking up subtle hints, i needed to. and i'm glad i did.

no one should ever go through the day envious of others, jealous of their situation. God gave us our hand of cards and expects us to make the best of them. but, he also dealt us this hand knowing that we'd need help, help from those around us and help from him. so, i find myself on my knees praying to God for strength, knowing that strength will come through enduring the situations of everyday life. so as i wait for my husband to send me off to the spa for a day of relaxing, i'll make the most of the moments we have here, now, together.

ps, i love you, even when we're being butt heads