you win, but 2011 will be even better

so it's been a while. and to be honest, i have no real good excuses. but here i am. and baby 2.2 too. and well, as 2010 draws to an end, here i sit feeling baby 2.2 kick and lil man is 'resting' as he likes to call his naps in the other room and hubby is some 7 thousand miles away and to be honest, i can't say i can check anything off my list of '10' for 2010. but i'm okay with that. i am.

when i look back over the year, everything else won, not me. but as i look forward to 2011, i know the victory is already in my grasp. sure, i didn't lose 10lbs, in fact i gained 10lbs and then some, but then again i'm baking a bun. and i didn't run my 10k or my 10 miler, but i was up to 6 miles until i was side lined. and i already have my eyes on 2012 the army ten miler. i didn't read 10 new books, but that's okay, i read lots of news stories and personal stories and learned even a few new words. and maybe this is my subtle hint that i'm not a reader. i didn't learn 10 new verses, but i kept a few on my heart everyday, and i would rather have a few on my heart than 10 verses learned for the sake of learning them. and i wrote a lot of cards, they didn't make them in the mailbox, but those that did, i know were cherished by the ones who received them. and i made 10 genuine connections. well, they were genuine to me. and those 10 pedis, well, there's a reason why we live in colorado now.

regardless of what i did or didn't accomplish in the last 360 odd days, in the end, i lived 360 odd days to the fullest, even when spending most of the day in the bathroom throwing up, and blessed, even when there were dark clouds. so, He will hold my hand and i will have the victory next year, because i can already see it, because i am blessed beyond belief.

eyes open, arms opened wide, breathe deep

so lil man and i love being in colorado because there are so many 'climb rocks' experiences. aka, we belong to a hiking group for mommies and their tots. and to be honest, it's the best investment/ membership we have, well besides my plush sports club membership.

but today as we were meeting up with our group i got the sting of reality. because everyone in our group has different schedules and our hikes are all over colorado springs, sometimes it's a while between hikes that we see each other. well, one of the moms we had seen last in march shared happy news the same day about our impending pregnancies. well, she's 21 weeks along and well, i'm not. and apparently no one told her. and well, as i opened my eyes wide to take in the beautiful view of the rockies and opened my arms wide to catch my lil man running down the hillside, i took a deep breathe and was stung with the reality that it's just us, just the three of us.

however, on a happier note, apparently secretary gates has a heart and has decided to give our family a few more weeks together and allow us one more extra try at letting God do his magic and grow our family.

thank you sec gates for having a heart. though when we get pregnant, we won't be naming our lil one after you.

finding the positive isn't always easy

so i know the last few posts have been rather depressing. and to be honest, i've put off writing my weekly deployment check-in along with a few other things because i've just been an emotional mess and can't take on more.

with the reality that we're less then 90 days out from duffel bags, white buses and webcam dates again, i know our opportunities for make a baby are getting slimmer too. and then the thought that hubby will miss two birthdays, two football seasons, two halloweens, two thanksgivings, two christmases and one of everything else in between, i'm having a hard time trying to find the positive, the silver lining, the joy in what God has put before me.

usually i'm good at finding the positive, but i have these fears, thoughts that i know the devil has placed in my way to make we weaver in my faith. i know that i can overcome those thoughts, i know God will bring us through this. He is bringing us to it, so i know He'll bring us through it. but even with that echoing in my head, i'm having a hard time believing it with all my heart, soul and mind. and heck, why shouldn't i. 15 months is a very long time. iraq is safer then afghanstain, but still. any number of things could happen. what if i don't get pregnant? what if i miscarry and hubby is half a world away? what if?

but i'm trying to wrap my head around it. find the positive and make the most of our time together. so, my prayer is for positive thinking, for courage to face the journey before us, to have renewed and continued faith and to kick satan out of my mind.

on vacation, sorta

so we're having a grand ole time on vacation, no real schedule to keep, doing as we please, hardly a spat over anything and on the inside, i'm a total emotional mess. seriously an emotional hot mess.

between being worn down by lil man's morning tantrums, i blame the darn time difference (he's waking up here at 6am, but in reality it's only 4am back home) and then the sheer excitement of everything we're doing together but then the looming thought that this could be our last vacation as a family, ever, it's just a train wreck of emotions. and all the same i'm keeping a smile on my face and my head held high as we make our way through the lines and laugh and smile and just enjoy being together and yet, each person passing by has no clue what a hot mess i am on the inside.

but then again, i can see in some of their eyes that maybe they can see past the smiles and laughter and they can see it in my eyes that when we pass the little girls' sections in the stores i feel cheated or maybe they can see when we pose for a picture that i'm praying it's not the last, or maybe they can see when i'm laughing at the silly face our lil man is making that inside i'm just slap worn out. and maybe they can relate or they simply want to care. but i just can't let it all out, not all at least. i do let out a few tears here and there.

we sat watching the 'hall of presidents' today and patriotic things always make me teary, but i teared up as i watched, not because i'm proud to be american, which i am, but because my husband is risking his life and leaving us to do so for each and every person we sit in the show with and then some. and then as we pass through the shops, thank goodness for bug-eyed, dark sunglasses as hot tears roll down my cheek and i quickly wipe them away as i brush pass the princess dresses and minnie ears. and then come the happy tears as i breathe a sigh of relief and belief and know that it will all be okay and know that i'm not in this alone. and i can feel His arms around me as i watch those shows and as i pass the shops and know that He is giving me strength to endure.

on a side note, i tried to make the blog private but realized that the blog is smarter then me.

4wks and living and dying

so it's been four weeks, which i didn't realize until i was watching grey's anatomy's last 15 minutes when meredith herself experiences the same grief. and then i thought of the preview for this coming weekend's army wives and i all i can think is, 'really!?!, do i really need more reminders.'

i couldn't figure out why i felt so emotionally and physically exhausted today, but as i sit here reflecting on my recent journey and looking at my beautiful angel hubby got me for mother's day (i would have been 12wks on mother's day) i know why. in the last four weeks i've kept myself so busy, on the go constantly that i have to confess that i have not grieved completely or properly yet. sure, i've cried here and there and i've made my peace with God, for the most part though tv shows i watch in hopes of relaxing are making me a little upset with Him, and i want to say that i'm ready for the next step, but i'm honestly just avoiding the pain.

to be honest, it will be nice to get away, to leave behind the reminders of the life we will not be living, right now. it'll be nice to step away and take a breathe, truly relax and grieve, at the happiest place on earth (go figure). but i know through it all, with a deployment looming, a body that hasn't regulated yet, and this grief and the million things on my plate, i know that i don't control it all and i don't make the decisions on what happens and how far the ripples will spread. i just sit back and watch the beautiful picture He is painting with me.

tears on a sunny day

so i'm not one to sit and cry, much. and i'm not one to let the projects around new home pile up. but the other day, as i was using my hand shovel to 'cut' the grass out of the front yard so i could lay down the pavers the previous owners left us (the left side of the driveway has pavers already, they just never finished the job), i had to great help of our lil man, assisting me in every.single.step.of.the.way.

but as we were pulling up the row of sod, i collapsed trying to take the sod roll and dump it in the garbage can. but lil man simply pulled a piece of sod off and tossed it in the garbage and very clearly pointed out to me that i needed to take smaller pieces and toss them. once we had staked down our weedblock and smoothed out our sand, it was time to move those heavy pavers. the first few weren't too bad and i started on the far end of the drive (not like we have a long driveway). but as i laid each paver down and my arms got tired, i got angry at my hubby. why hadn't he taken on this project? why wasn't he the one who was doing all the yard work? and then, as the gentle breeze blew and the clouds slowly crept across the sunny mid-day sky, i cried out, 'why am i able to do this! i shouldn't be able to do this! i should be restricted from heavy lifting. i should be pregnant!'

and then i sat on our front steps and cried tears on that sunny day. it was a moment i'm sure that will repeat itself over and over again in the months and years to come. it was a moment i'm sure to relive when i least expect it (come on, i was laying pavers, nothing 'mommy-ing' in that). but it was a moment that i was wrapped in warm sunshine and knew i wasn't alone as i cried tears on a sunny day. and now that summer is near and the warm evenings are hopefully here to stay, as i look out over the plains and see the far of distant lighting over kansas, i know our angel is up there playing, just waiting for us to be a family again someday.

been there all the time waiting

ever feel like the light bulb has come on and you 'duh,' you've been there the whole time? it's kind of one of those moments where you go, 'okay, i can see you, i know you've been there the whole time, i've just not wanted to see you there.'

with our recent miscarriage and the upcoming deployment and the mounding of things i've taken on and a toddler who has decided now would be a good time to regress and act 2, i have found myself throwing my arms more then ever and going, 'seriously?!? are you serious!' and it's not fair, i mean, i know in my heart of hearts, if God brings you to it, He will bring your through it. but, honestly lately, i've felt that that is easier said then believed.

as sat there tonight at the wings for women military spouses conference and admired all the pregnant bellies, i put my hand on my stomach and knew that all i was feeling was my well-padded storage of yummy foods i really didn't need. and as i sang my little heart out, oh Lord, please let me have been somewhat in tune, the words spoke straight to my heart. and as i listened to the keynote speakers, laughing a lot and feeling refreshed, my mind kept wondering off to the timeline of things to come in the near future... and it was while i was drifting through the future that i saw the light bulb come on, if i ever needed God, i need him now.

between the grief and waiting, between the unknown and waiting, between Him waiting so patiently for me to go 'ah-huh,' He has been there the whole time carrying me and holding me close. and knowing that He was there in those dark moments and in those uncertain moments, i know He will be there as i continue to take one step at a time and take one breathe at a time, knowing that He will bring me to it, and He will bring me through it.

ps, with some crazy comments being left and OPSEC and such, i've decided to make the blog private. simply leave me a comment with your email and i will make sure to add you to the guest list. the blog will go private friday, may 21.