the doorbell rang

so i'm on the laptop yesterday, just browsing through some websites when my messenger pops up and prompts me that aaron is online! so, i message him, asking him if he can talk. yes, i know it seems silly, but the man needs his sleep, he's coming home soon!

either way, we got to use the webcam for nearly an hour! however, suddenly the connection cuts out on his end. i wait, and wait, and wait for him to get back on, which he usually does or at least contacts me in some way to let me know he's okay. nothing.

so, maybe there was a sandstorm, maybe a blackout, maybe a million things could have happened. i put it away in my head and head to dinner with the whole family, including my little brothers! i try not to let it bother me through dinner; i'm sure there's a good reason. dinner wraps up and we head home. and of course cayman needs a diaper change first thing when we get home.

off to the bedroom, change the diaper, have some silly mommy-and-me time. and then it happened. the doorbell rang. just once. i waited, and waited and waited for what seemed like a hundred years for someone to answer it. all i could think was, 'no, i can't do this alone. no, he's this close to coming home. no, this isn't part of your plan for us. no, no, no!'

then walks my little brother in and i grill him: did you ring the doorbell? why did you ring the doorbell? are you serious, it was just you ringing the doorbell? it was.

the feeling stuck with me for a while, even while shopping for shoes for my homecoming outfit. i had to talk to someone, anyone. i called a few friends, all no answer. then i called papa keith to wish him a happy birthday, and somehow, he could tell i needed to talk to mama martha. they're the parents of aaron's best friend, ryan who is currently deployed to iraq flying the c 130. military people just get each other and know when and what needs to say.

i bought my cute homecoming shoes. i prayed, of course i prayed, that i would get to wear them to aaron's homecoming. the one where he gets of the big white bus, on his own. i just can't imagine a life without him. without my best friend. without my husband. without cayman's dad. without my dork. without my silly face. without him. and i don't understand why, with just a matter of days now, such a feeling would creep in. i pray it is a feeling that passes. not just from me, but from all of you. i would never wish such a feeling on anyone. and so i pray, not just for aaron's safe return, but for all our soldiers, all of our husbands, our brothers, our sisters, our fathers, our mothers, our cousins, our best friends, to come home safe.

ps, i love you