i did it!

so i haven't done this in months... in fact since june. i remember the last time i did it; in the parking lot of the newport news airport and poor cayman was buckled in his carseat in the back and had no clue what was going on. but i did have the a/c on. but last night i did it for the first time in a long time and it felt good but overwhelming all at the same time.

there was nothing good on tv last night so i turned on gac's 'notes from home' special saluting the troops. that should have been a clear sign to me that i didn't need to have the tv on; a salute to the troops at the most emotional holiday time of the year while my husband is still gone. well, as they started singing and seeing all the uniforms, i lost it.

the tears started slowly, just a little mist like when you hear the star spangle banner or God bless america. but then as the kept singing and seeing the christmas decorations and our son sleeping so peacefully in the bean bag (yes, i'm a bad mom. i let him fall asleep in the bean bag, but not in front of the tv), and knowing that my husband, who missed our son's first christmas, is going to miss this christmas too, the tears just built up. and just like the levees in new orleans a few years back, i broke and the tears just started flowing. and in the midst of those tears all i could do was ball up like a baby and cry.

and then in the midst of those tears, rather then begging God to bring him home now, i praised God. we have a lot to be thankful for. and through the tears, which now seemed to be happy tears mixed with those sad tears, i praised God because my husband is alive. my husband will soon be boarding a plane and heading home to us. and he'll get off the big white bus (rather then a big white horse) on his own, unharmed. and my husband has been able to communicate with us fairly regularly. and we have a healthy son who recognizes him and his voice and is starting to realize that he has a daddy who is coming home soon. and above all, i praised God for blessing us with those things and so much more. and then i prayed: please bring him home safe, and soon. and for all his soldiers and all of our soldiers here and there and around the world. not just for them but their families. for strength; not just to be 'army strong' but for strength to be strong mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

and so, i did it. and it felt okay. i still have a lot of emotion, 18 months worth of emotion to be exact (pre deployment and the whole deployment and such), but i figure i'll get to take a shower by myself soon enough and get it all out.