Monday, December 29, 2008

transparent moment

so i went to sleep early tonight. partly because i was feeling grouchy and not wanting to deal with my family who we've been visiting for 2 weeks anymore and partly because i wanted cayman in bed and asleep at a descent hour (you know the whole 'when at the grandparents' house, all the rules go out the window so you can have a great time trying to get them back on schedule once you get home' thingy). i was sleeping fine; peaceful, deep, much-needed sleep.

and then i woke up. irritate, restless, jealous, seeing green. i feel like i should be completely transparent with y'all, so i must confess this. as happy and over the moon as i am for all of my friends and their families that have returned after a deployment (not just the ones getting home now, but every time someone has redeployed while aaron has been deployed), i get jealous. i want it to be our turn. i understand that aaron has to finish his job and is in leadership and responsible for this and that and so on and so on.

but dang it! he was one of the first ones to leave! and i want him home, now! i don't want to wait any longer. i've waited long enough. i've waited over 13 long months. i've been there for my friends for 13 months of all sorts of craziness and i just want it all to be over with and to be home with my husband and our son and be one happy family again under one roof. and i want him home to play with cayman. i want him home now so that the two of them can start the whole 'getting to really know you' process. i want him home so i can finally go to the bathroom all by myself and not have a screaming toddler at the door or in the bathroom with me.

but, i have a lot to be thankful for, even as we wait for our homecoming. my husband is coming home, alive! he's going to get off that big white bus, on his own, uninjured. he's coming home as the man i married, no major surprises (we've talked everyday and in the recent weeks have started the whole 'reintegration thing' over the phone and webcam). heck, with him not coming up until next year, we get another month's hazard duty pay and separation pay. plus, january will be tax free. and, i'll be able to keep the kids for my friends so that they can have time alone with their husbands while i wait for my husband. and, i'll a few more days to run around like chicken with her head cut off trying to get things ready for aaron's homecoming.

so, i thank God that my husband is coming home, alive, under his own ability. and i ask God to give me the strength to be patient for just a little while longer. and to keep a positive attitude when i see others and their loved ones reunited. and i praise God because we could have other valleys to face that require much more then just patients.

ps, i love you

Saturday, December 27, 2008

the doorbell rang

so i'm on the laptop yesterday, just browsing through some websites when my messenger pops up and prompts me that aaron is online! so, i message him, asking him if he can talk. yes, i know it seems silly, but the man needs his sleep, he's coming home soon!

either way, we got to use the webcam for nearly an hour! however, suddenly the connection cuts out on his end. i wait, and wait, and wait for him to get back on, which he usually does or at least contacts me in some way to let me know he's okay. nothing.

so, maybe there was a sandstorm, maybe a blackout, maybe a million things could have happened. i put it away in my head and head to dinner with the whole family, including my little brothers! i try not to let it bother me through dinner; i'm sure there's a good reason. dinner wraps up and we head home. and of course cayman needs a diaper change first thing when we get home.

off to the bedroom, change the diaper, have some silly mommy-and-me time. and then it happened. the doorbell rang. just once. i waited, and waited and waited for what seemed like a hundred years for someone to answer it. all i could think was, 'no, i can't do this alone. no, he's this close to coming home. no, this isn't part of your plan for us. no, no, no!'

then walks my little brother in and i grill him: did you ring the doorbell? why did you ring the doorbell? are you serious, it was just you ringing the doorbell? it was.

the feeling stuck with me for a while, even while shopping for shoes for my homecoming outfit. i had to talk to someone, anyone. i called a few friends, all no answer. then i called papa keith to wish him a happy birthday, and somehow, he could tell i needed to talk to mama martha. they're the parents of aaron's best friend, ryan who is currently deployed to iraq flying the c 130. military people just get each other and know when and what needs to say.

i bought my cute homecoming shoes. i prayed, of course i prayed, that i would get to wear them to aaron's homecoming. the one where he gets of the big white bus, on his own. i just can't imagine a life without him. without my best friend. without my husband. without cayman's dad. without my dork. without my silly face. without him. and i don't understand why, with just a matter of days now, such a feeling would creep in. i pray it is a feeling that passes. not just from me, but from all of you. i would never wish such a feeling on anyone. and so i pray, not just for aaron's safe return, but for all our soldiers, all of our husbands, our brothers, our sisters, our fathers, our mothers, our cousins, our best friends, to come home safe.

ps, i love you

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

i'm sending you a little christmas

i'm sending you a little christmas, wrapped up in love... a little peace, a little light to remind you of how i'm waiting for you... praying for you... i wanted you to see. so i'm sending you a little christmas til you come home to me

i heard this song last night again on the radio and it's just so fitting for this year, again. last year it was just weeks after aaron left us. this year it's just weeks before he hopefully comes home to us. it's not the army's fault. it's not aaron's fault. it's no one's fault. we make the most of what we are given and should be thankful for that. so, until we can make the most of being together again, my thoughts, my prayers, my 'i love you' on the phone and webcam will have to be enough to carry aaron through this christmas.

and it's not about the presents. or the dinner. or the wrapping paper, tree, lights, parade, music, football games. none of that matters. it's about a baby that was born in a manager to save us all. it's about being with those who mean the most to you (and when you can't be with them, making the most of the other times you do have with them). so, as we wake in the morning with the excitement of innocent children looking for some proof of santa, we must remember that even without stockings, presents, lights, music and all the trimming, it's still christmas. so, it is our choice: send a little christmas until you can be together again or waste a beautiful opportunity to celebrate what's right infront of you.

may you all have a beautiful and blessed christmas and may God's blessings shining on you today as well as everyday!

ps, i love you

Friday, December 19, 2008

can my jerry be more jerrylike

so i have a lurker, okay, aaron reads my blog from time-to-time (thank you hunny for reading. i love you and can't wait for you to watch me from across the leaving type in my blog). and that makes this blog entry harder (i love you hunny, remember that).

i watched 'ps, i love you' tonight. i did much better then i had anticipated. i teared here and there and only started really crying at the last letter in yankee stadium. and of course as i watched it, all i could think about was my own 'jerry' aka aaron. however, my 'jerry' isn't very jerry, yet. and it's not why i married him.

i married aaron for a million and one different reasons: he's a hottie (come on, you've seen him, admit it), super smart and nerdy (okay, dorky), very calm, makes me see the big picture and all sides of things, can make me laugh when it's the last thing i want to do, makes me think, gives me butterflies, is super tall, we made a super cute kid together, balances me, is sensible and a million other things. but, i guess i had hoped and still hope and will always hope that he would come around and be more 'jerry.'

see, i'm the one to leave love notes, send cards and keep the ones i receive stashed (though i know he spends a lot of time and puts a lot of thought into the cards he gets), i do the little romantic things. i don't mind. i do them because i love aaron and i want to do something just because. so, i guess if i were a guy, i'd send flowers on tuesday just because i thought about you. and i do have to say in aaron's defense, i've never been a flower kind of girl, until now. marriage and motherhood mature you and it's those little things you really start to appreciate. and don't get me wrong, only i could love a 'message' in a bottle with the key to his heart or a crystal with our pictures etched into it or a wii for valentine's day. oh, and the spa gift certificate. but i long for those love notes too.

and it's just those little romantic things i'm starting to long for. and i know you can't change someone. but maybe time and experience (and lurking around and reading my blog) can ignite a small spark to consider working on that romantic thing, not that i would love him any less if he didn't. i thank God everyday that i'm blessed to have the love of a man who loves me unconditionally. and i love him, unconditionally, today, tomorrow and for the rest of my life. and as aaron would say, 'that's a really long time.'

ps, i love you

Thursday, December 18, 2008

they just don't get it

do you ever feel like some people just don't get it? they don't get that there are rules to driving. they don't get that there are ways of coping. they don't get that somethings just aren't important. they don't get that life isn't all about them and their small world.

i feel like i have someone in my life who just doesn't get it. they don't get that yes, life is tough and this last year has been tough for them with the loss of their beloved nephew and then their father. and yes, life is tough when your stepson is dealing with an emotional issue. but life doesn't center on you and your 'woe is me.' and life isn't all about shopping and bowl game tickets. life isn't about what toy you bought or how many toys or what clothes you bought. and i'm sorry the clothes you bought won't fit, but if it mattered enough to you, you would have called and listened when i gave you the sizes.

there are just some people so wrapped up in their own world and their own agenda that the important things seem to just pass right by and all they see are the sales and that new pair of boots they need to get to go with their new outfit for the bowl game.

when it comes right now to it, no matter how christian you are, the way you treat others is the way you treat God. see, we are all Jesus. and when you ignore those hurting or we ignore those closest to us or when we can't see beyond our own agenda, we are denying God. and we've all done it. but when you can't get beyond your own agenda and your own picture, you are denying God and those around you and to be honest, it would explain the mess God has given you. and though you neglect that mess, until you deal with it, you will not have a message, just a mess and a bunch of 'woe is me' to deal with.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

i did it!

so i haven't done this in months... in fact since june. i remember the last time i did it; in the parking lot of the newport news airport and poor cayman was buckled in his carseat in the back and had no clue what was going on. but i did have the a/c on. but last night i did it for the first time in a long time and it felt good but overwhelming all at the same time.

there was nothing good on tv last night so i turned on gac's 'notes from home' special saluting the troops. that should have been a clear sign to me that i didn't need to have the tv on; a salute to the troops at the most emotional holiday time of the year while my husband is still gone. well, as they started singing and seeing all the uniforms, i lost it.

the tears started slowly, just a little mist like when you hear the star spangle banner or God bless america. but then as the kept singing and seeing the christmas decorations and our son sleeping so peacefully in the bean bag (yes, i'm a bad mom. i let him fall asleep in the bean bag, but not in front of the tv), and knowing that my husband, who missed our son's first christmas, is going to miss this christmas too, the tears just built up. and just like the levees in new orleans a few years back, i broke and the tears just started flowing. and in the midst of those tears all i could do was ball up like a baby and cry.

and then in the midst of those tears, rather then begging God to bring him home now, i praised God. we have a lot to be thankful for. and through the tears, which now seemed to be happy tears mixed with those sad tears, i praised God because my husband is alive. my husband will soon be boarding a plane and heading home to us. and he'll get off the big white bus (rather then a big white horse) on his own, unharmed. and my husband has been able to communicate with us fairly regularly. and we have a healthy son who recognizes him and his voice and is starting to realize that he has a daddy who is coming home soon. and above all, i praised God for blessing us with those things and so much more. and then i prayed: please bring him home safe, and soon. and for all his soldiers and all of our soldiers here and there and around the world. not just for them but their families. for strength; not just to be 'army strong' but for strength to be strong mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

and so, i did it. and it felt okay. i still have a lot of emotion, 18 months worth of emotion to be exact (pre deployment and the whole deployment and such), but i figure i'll get to take a shower by myself soon enough and get it all out.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

always home and never helping or always gone and can't help

so i was reading some posts on the mommy board i frequent and got to thinking, which is tougher: having your husband home but always busy (whether it be work or the xbox) or having your husband always gone and not able to help?

as i thought about it as i was putting cayman to bed, i came to this conclusion: i personally feel that i have it easier knowing that aaron can't be here to physically help with things like taking out the garbage on pick up day or giving cayman his bath so i can have five minutes to pee in peace. see, if he were here and always busy with work or other things, i would be disappointed and honestly, i would feel cheated. having him some 7,982 miles away doesn't make the bedtime routine any easier or in the case of today of both cayman and i being sick any better, but knowing that he isn't just 3 miles down the road does.

see, we live in a great family neighborhood. however, i was talking with some of the other mommies and started wondering, how do they deal with the fact that their husbands aren't deployed but always in the field, sometimes day at a time, sometimes just really long hours, and can't come home to help yet aren't that far away? it would drive me personally batty if aaron was assigned to jrtc and ops group and constantly in the field training soldiers who are preparing to deploy. it's important job, don't get me wrong. but to know he's that close and yet can't be home with us.

either way, i believe God puts us in situations to make us who we are and who we will become. I have become strong in many ways, yet need aaron more then anything. and with Christ as my compass and guide, i know aaron and i will make it through anything.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

how does your garden grow?

so, as the new wife on the block, i've been eyed already and am doing my darnest to make sure that the true us shines through. from hanging our alabama flag, okay, my alabama flag, to squaring away the house to being cheery and friendly, 'we, the williams' are making our mark.

and so, the green thumb, the martha stewart, my mother has come out in me. i decided to rescue the said excuses of flower beds outside our front door and attempt to bring some life to them. and to make the others see our 'pretty flowers' and care for our home.

but come on, honestly. the outside of your house is just as important as your own personal appearance. admit it. you know it. we are all guilty of judging our neighbors based on the appearance of their house. so, i'm wondering, how does your garden grow?

do you let the appearance outside your house accurately reflect you and your home? is your outside and your home a place of warmth? of love? of peace? and would someone be able to walk by the front of your home and go, 'wow, that house is not just four walls and a roof, but a home full of love and God's blessings.' i hope our house, our home makes people thinking that about us. as shallow and materialistic as it sounds, it's the truth and the society we live in.

so, i picked my shovel and some pansies and cayman and i tackled our mud. hopefully the end product and just seeing us work in our flower beds will make our new neighbors sigh and think, 'they'll fit right in to our cozy little family here on pinehurst street.'

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

welcome to ft. polk, home of the heroes and us!

so, a little over a week ago we packed up and left sunny florida for ft. polk. the days since have whirl winded around and away and here we, cayman and i, are nearly a week after my parents left us, and we're doing just fine. yes, i miss them (and all of our florida friends) terribly, but as far as surviving ft. polk and the anticipation of aaron's return, we're here!

we couldn't have asked for a better house! our townhouse is beautiful and each day i'm finishing up little projects to make it feel more like home. i even hung the curtains, all by myself! i'd like to take credit for the towel bars in our bathroom, but for the sake of saving the wall, the great guys at maintenance have been called in for assistance. our neighborhood is great too! we share a wall with the post's catholic priest who is also a soldier! super neat-o guy! and since they arrange streets by paygrade, everyone on our street is about our age (or no more than five years older) and has kids ranging from cayman's age to elementary school. so we're always outside playing with the neighbors' kids. and cayman and i have decided to tackle our mud garden and plant flowers! pictures and stories to follow.

it feels good to be back too! sunday at church was tough though. the last time i really remember sitting in our church was the sunday aaron deployed. i remember attending the morning service and them asking all the soldiers who were deploying to stand and then asking when they were leaving. aaron said, 'tonight,' and with those words i thought i was going to die. but a year later and just a few weeks shy of homecoming, i sat there. sure there were a few tears in my eyes, some because it felt so good to be 'home' and some because i was remembering 'us.' sunday school class was good too. of course it was tough because i could see the flag pole with our yellow ribbons (each deployed soldier from our church has a yellow ribbon with their name on it and it's tied to the pole until the come home again). and seeing julez's picture from her last visit was tough. but then being in a room full of women, wives, mothers, spouses of soldiers, i felt like i was surrounded by people who understand me, who know me, who are me. and it was good.

and of course it's good to be back with my friends. and to be able to finally be able to participate in all those neat family activities the military has set up for us. more stories to come along with pictures! God is good, all the time!