amazing grace, how sweet and yet somber

as i watched the memorial today, the words of the president and the chaplain and the sounds of the 21 gun salute rang in my ears and in my heart. and as i watch the families of the 13 killed for selfish reasons, i pray no more families have to collapse in tears and pain from senseless acts of out crying for help.

i watched the wife of one of the soldiers killed collapse in the arms of her causality officer. i watched the father of a daughter and his unborn grandchild kiss her picture. i watched as a soldier on crutches used all his strength to salute and honor those who have gone before him.

as we approach this veterans' day, all i can think is 'history truly does repeat itself.' my mum made the case that similar outcries for help happened after vietnam and desert storm. have two previous wars and countless waves of veterans with memories of things no one should ever have to see or experience not taught us anything? how many more outcries must there be for our society to realize that life is too precious to waste? too precious too wait on others to fix what's broken? too precious not to value and sustain.

may God be with those families and those who in the coming months will receive the dreaded knock on their doors by officers in their dress uniforms. may God be with those who have seen and experienced things at the cost of freedom and protection.

helloooo hot mess!

do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and go, 'whoa sista, you are one hot mess!'? i feel like today was one of those days. between not sleeping well lately, battling this back re-injury, and this past week's craziness at ft. hood, i feel like i should have a flashing sign about my head 'hot mess' and a box of tissues.

and to be perfectly honest, i don't know where all it comes from. sure the loss of life is a tough thing for me to deal with. and yes, anything military reminds me of the impending deployment, and sure, the lack of sleep can't be helping nor can the back pain, but come on. isn't God suppose to be there with me, carrying me? not that i'm complaining, too loudly, but this is some majorly thick sand and i'm trudging on at full speed with my heels on, but not my running shoes, with what seems like a mini-sized world on my back along with our toddler, life in general and three huge suitcases of emotional baggage.

maybe it's all a wake call. hello jackie! this is your life and you do have two choices: would you like to admit you need help after you get your big girl panties on or would you like to continue to try and tackle it all and continue to pick the wedgie out of your rear because you refuse to buy bigger panties?

i'm opting for the help. i'm diving back, okay, crawling back into my time with just God and praising Him and then asking for the help i need. and well, as cute as those tiny like pink brand undies are from victoria secrets, they just aren't made for my lovely humps. so on with the big girl panties, still in with cute print of course, and on to my rock where i know i will find the strength i need. and off to the mental health specialist.

yes, the mental health specialist. it's a woman, she's from mid-west america and seems very level-headed with no poor reviews in the past. i figure she's air force, so she should be a little saver (small joke, sorry, it's how i cope).

weeping may endure for the night, but with the morning comes great joy psalms 30:5

we're home!

the house has become a home, we've survived two 'blizzards,' we're feeling out our surrounding and settling in. we still have some things to settle on our list: locating a church home, putting away the small things here and there, put up flood lights, manage the yard, but all in good time.

each time i walk from the honda around the corner and past the american flag with it's yellow ribbon and up the two front steps to our door, and then turn the key, this pride, joy, happiness comes over me: we're homeowners and it's our home! yes, we're paying the man for the next 30 years, but we will manage (we did research and made sure we could). but when you walk in, we've been told you can feel the warmth, the love that encompasses our home. and that's what we wanted.

sure, i know in a matter of time we'll be in the garage sorting through gear, hiding little love notes in each duffel, and counting down the hours until we live under two very different roofs, but that's part of 'us' and our life. and well, when that time comes, we'll still have our home, on happy jack drive, and we'll survive, because that's what we do. knowing that no matter how high God piles on the potatoes and lemons, he will bring out the peeler and the squeezer and help us make the most of it and come out with something super delicious that was worth it all.

pictures just don't do the home justice, so you'll just have to come visit!

the office: his side

the office: her side (one day it'll be the nursery)

cayman's room: complete with sleeping cayman

eat-in kitchen

the kitchen:

the master bedroom: small, but just right

the master bathroom: small, but larger then we've had in the past

the living room: gallery wall

mud room/ family tree:

the men's cave: basement

the hallway in basement: full bath for guests on left and laundry room in hide-away on right

cayman's part of the men's cave:

helloooo 4th id!

so i found aaron's office today. rather depressing, but it could be from all the bare walls and huge stacks of paper (seriously couldn't see over them). i did bring him a picture frame with our picture in it, just so he can remember what we look like and so those who come to bring him more work can see what they are keeping him from. also bumped into the frsa and the frg leader. made sure they knew i was ready and willing to help (i refuse to have a slacker frg or no family functions just because we have 800 single soldiers in the battalion).

it's one of those tough things. you walk into a frg meeting and you know everyone is looking at you thinking, 'who is she?' and well, it doesn't help that my first frg meeting with 4th id will be a halloween costume party. great! i hadn't planned on dressing up this year. and now i'm raking my brain trying to figure out the most appropriate halloween costume: hi! i'm the new s-2's wife. i'm serious, but fun. committed but laid back. i bake for the guys in the office every two weeks. i'm a stay at home mom who's always on the go with our toddler. yes, find me a costume that gives off that vibe but is still fun, light-hearted and i can throw together in a week.

what i have seen of 4th id has left me with mixed feelings. i know, i need to swallow the pill and follow my own advice (be open-minded and make the most of it), but come on. aaron came home last thursday from in-processing/ working (hadn't even finished in-processing and already he was slammed with work), and told me the unit was having some type of organizational day (code for mandatory fun day, USUALLY). so, i told him i'd make a dessert and meet him at the park when he got a break from in-processing. well, we show up. and man, it was organized, and it seemed fun for those involved, but it was not your standard 'family' fun day. it was rather a soldiers' field day. softball, football, volleyball and basketball tournaments. that's it. no chalk, no bubbles, no inflatable, nothing but the playground that just happen to be at the park for the kids. not happy.

and then there's this 'christmas' party. well, it's definitely not a 'family' shindig. at 6pm at the resort. $30 a head (because of aaron's rank). dress code spelled out for you. we're going, aaron doesn't want to , but we need to go. cayman will be spending the evening with my aunt and uncle (so glad we have family here). just waiting to seeing if there will be a family christmas party. waiting, and waiting and hoping i'll be proven wrong. yes jackie, there is a dstb family christmas party.

until then, i'm trying to remain open-minded and not too eager to be involved, but it's me. and to me, family is important. more to come i'm sure.

now more then ever

so i don't know if i'm pregnant and hormonal or if it's the fact that we just bought a house or the matter that last weekend 9 soldiers from ft. carson were killed in action or just the mess in my head, but now more then ever, i find myself tearing up at the smallest things, dreading the upcoming deployment more and questioning God's reasoning more. it's crazy, this isn't me. this isn't my potential. this isn't how it was suppose to be.

maybe before i was naive or maybe just ignorant, or just too Innocent and faithful. but as time has ticked by and we've been blessed with everything we thought we could really ever want, i find myself dreading it, dreading the blessings, dreading the things to come.

and as i sit here, i can't help but think tim tebow got it right and it was the whole purpose of me watching the game: 1 Thess. 5:18. i want to give thanks. i have so much to be thankful for. i know we could be in much worse circumstances in life. so as i give thanks, why can't i be joyful about it? why must dread linger in the distance shadowing the amazing things God has done for us?

i give thanks for so many things; my loving husband, our beautiful son, a roof over our head and food on our table, for loving family and friends and their support, for a country where we have been given so many opportunities, for the challenges that have made us stronger and much more.

we're 'normal'

so we hit a major 'make it or break it' point this past weekend. never before has moving been so stressful. but this time around, the sooner we get to our new house, the sooner we know aaron will deploy. in the past, when we moved from mac dill to ft. polk, we had NO clue aaron would be deploying a few weeks after we unpacked our boxes. when we moved from ft. polk to ft. huachuca, we knew aaron would be in school for five months. now moving from ft. huachuca to ft. carson, though there is much excitement surrounding this move, we KNOW aaron will be deploying in the near future (sorry, i can't tell you nor do we know for sure). well, this has made this move all but tolerable up until the other day.

with the lingering thought of aaron leaving again, and still struggling to release my tight grasp on EVERYTHING, i had a complete meltdown and we hit heads completely head on. between the tears, the fears and 'pissy' behavior, we apparently have become 'normal' according to all the military garb out there about the 'normal' army couple nowadays.

but here's what sets us apart from the rest of the 'normal' couples in those write-ups: as we sat on the bathroom floor crying and blabbing about how we will make it through this, we figured out what are 'problem' is: i don't want to release my stronghold on EVERYTHING because i know aaron will be leaving again, leaving me to take on EVERYTHING again on my own. and with this inability to let go and being OVERLY critical of everything aaron does, I have created this horrible, heavy, cumbersome burden for myself.

so, as we sat there deciding we were not going to just be 'normal' and strive to be 'us,' i sat there rolling around in my head the idea of letting going though i know it will only be for a short time. but, that's our life, it's us, it's the life we chose together and knew we were getting into. so, as we sit in the middle of our house full of boxes and ready to make the 822 mile drive north knowing that in a few months aaron will be boarding a plane to fly some 8,922 miles across the world to protect and define what's right with 'us,' we're just going to be 'us' and not worry about being 'normal.' because that's what God has blessed us with and we'll take it!

we all have it

we all have it. if you've been through a deployment, you have it. it's a matter of how you deal with it that sets you apart from the rest. heck, any separation from your loved one(s), regardless of the time frame, is tough on the body, mind and soul, but when you add in the news media, the missed holidays and watching your kids grow up via a webcam, one can hardly believe you wouldn't have it. and even if you don't think you have it, you have it, you're just denying yourself. and that makes it even worse. but, once again, what sets you apart from the rest is what you do with it once you accept that you have it.

i'm talking about ptsd. post traumatic stress disorder. it's not a disorder really. and you can have pre traumatic stress too. overall, it's a strain on you, on your overall well-being, on your self, on your emotions, your mind, your spirit and your soul. but, knowing that you're not the only one with it and that plenty go on with their everyday life as 'normal' and 'normal' can be, there is hope.

aaron did his 'clearing' from his course this week and i guess part of his clearing required a post-psych evaluation. apparently they wanted to make sure the course didn't make him go batty (too late). well, he came home and said, 'hmm... turns out i have mild ptsd.' i know this going to sound harsh, but i wasn't surprised. i kinda just brushed it off. for months i've known. i knew even before he came home. i knew i had it before he even got on a plane to redeploy home to us finally. however, there was a difference between then and now. just because i knew didn't make it okay. knowing now because he told me himself makes it okay, for both of us.

i don't love him any less. i'm not scared of him. but hearing him say he has ptsd just makes me feel that he has come to grasp the full affects of this last deployment and everything that happened. as we wrapped our heads around it (not much wrapping to do on my end), he received his new assignment and a tentative deployment timeline. this time only 12 months, but another round of separation and wear and tear on the mind, body and soul.

ps, but with strength, we'll get through this too. for nothing is greater then what He is will to help us through. i love you