Monday, May 25, 2009

canon and 21-gun salutes

it's memorial day and the flags adorn the cemeteries filled with veterans across this nation. the day is marked with 21-gun salutes and canons. there are sad, sappy commericals on tv and the smell of the grill fill the air. but what is today really all about?

when i think of the heartache of last may 2nd and the grace and pose julez presented, i can but be in awe. a moment like that is unimaginable. you get the call, you get the knock, they come, there's a lot of paperwork, pick out a casket, the body is escorted, it arrives, you have a memorial, a viewing, then the funeral, you get his dogtags, his stuff arrives a few weeks later and suddenly the world you thought you were going to live in disappears and you have to start over again. how could God do this? why would God do this? how does he pick who comes home early or never comes home?

i still try to wrap my head around it. how did God decide that day that aaron should stop and talk to those people? how did he decide that julez and her family should feel such heartache and not us? why? but as each day passes and i get another 24 hours to watch my husband breathe, play with our son, feel his gentle kiss, hear him say 'i love you,' and the million other little things that happen everyday that we so often take for grant it, i am moving on and appreciating to the fullest the fact that God has another plan for us, just as he has another plan for all those who have lost a loved one, in today's wars and those of our past that give us the freedoms we enjoy so much today.

ps, i love you and each day i am so thankful that my story includes you

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

i can live with that

ever wonder what kind of story God has in mind for you? will your life be a slap stick comedy or a serious adventure story? will it play out as a romantic comedy or a story with a female heroine? it's funny that there are certain moments in your life when you remove yourself from the moment, sit back and think, when it's all said and then and i'm going home, what will people say about my life and me.

as i lay on the examining table today draped in my fancy white sheet from the waist down and staring at the ceiling and reverting to my 'nothing box,' i removed myself from the moment and imagined what would play out over the next twenty or thirty minutes. i was at peace and calm about whatever had to tell me. i knew she'd be honest with me, but she'd take her time in making sure i understood everything she was saying and all that would happen. and so i thought the worst case scernio first: the cells would turn white, i would have to do that horrible deep-belly cough and my cells would be scraped and removed so some pathologist could exam them more and call me next week and tell me that i needed to come in for a 'talk.' then i laid there and imagined her saying that the last person who read my pap must have had it mixed up with someone else's and there was nothing abnormal about my cervix and myself. two very different pictures with two very different endings one would imagine. but when i finished with both, they both ended with me in a smile thankful that i was blessed enough to have this follow-up appointment to check no matter what the outcome.

and then the doctor came in. i wish she was my everyday doctor. very personable and easy-going. very straight forward about the procedure and easy to talk to. she explained everything. walked my through the whole procedure. as we got down to it, she seemed almost a little disappointed. she said my cervix was 'beautiful.' and when it was all said and done, there was no coughing, no 'where do we go from here,' no scraping and no unanswered questions.

so i don't have cancer. i could have cancer some day. but if i follow the doctor's orders and see the gyno every six months until i'm 'normal,' i should be just fine. i do have hpv, that thing they have gardsil for. i could be the poster child now of what could happen when you don't get the shot. but all and all, it's something i can live with. it's something that doesn't affect aaron, we'll be able to have another child and i'll be able to build an actual relationship with my gyno since i'll be seeing them every six months.

all and all, when my life is read back, it seems that there will be no great tragedy in this chapter and that's fine with me.

Friday, May 8, 2009

thank you, military spouse

today (or maybe tomorrow depending who you ask) is military spouses appreciation day. ironically, it falls on the same weekend as mother's day weekend. when you think about how many military spouses are not only wives (or husbands) but also mothers, it's very fitting that this two days of appreciation fall so close to each other. sadly, hallmark doesn't carry cards for awesome military spouses though they carry every shade of pink, purple and yellow envelopes for those thousands of mother's day cards.

but when you think about all that a military spouse does, a paper card hardly covers it. from watching my mum rock the duties of a military spouse growing up and now being one myself and watching my friends carry the weight of the military on their shoulders, sometimes the simplest, 'thank you' and smile is worth so much. when you see that mother with her child(ren) at the grocery store trying to wrangle the off spring, sort through the coupons and navigate the food, it's hard to tell what else she is doing. is she silently saying a prayer to God for strength, not for herself, but for her fellow military spouses? is she asking for God's protecting hand on her soldier and others around the world and back in garrison? is she balancing the check book in her head and deciding what they can really afford this week and what can wait until the 15th? is she scrolling through her to-do list of frg meetings and bake sales and pta meetings? is she thankful for all those spouses that came before her that have made the role of military spouse all that much easier? it's hard to tell what's being juggled in her head, but you can rest assured, she's secretly wearing a super hero cape and no one else around her even knows it. and she won't tell anyone else about it because it's just not her style.

so, we may not get a section of cards at hallmark, and there won't be any ice cream cakes at dairy queen with messages for us, but know that to those who see your super hero cape, you rock! you rock because you inspire so many without meaning to or even seeing it. you rock because you take on the call of duty, never backing down because it's too much. you rock because no matter how many miles the military puts between you and your soldier, you love him just the same and will wait for him no matter how long it takes. you rock because you face adversity, put on your big girl panties, and say, 'bring it on!' you rock because you inspire me!