Monday, September 21, 2009

we're 'normal'

so we hit a major 'make it or break it' point this past weekend. never before has moving been so stressful. but this time around, the sooner we get to our new house, the sooner we know aaron will deploy. in the past, when we moved from mac dill to ft. polk, we had NO clue aaron would be deploying a few weeks after we unpacked our boxes. when we moved from ft. polk to ft. huachuca, we knew aaron would be in school for five months. now moving from ft. huachuca to ft. carson, though there is much excitement surrounding this move, we KNOW aaron will be deploying in the near future (sorry, i can't tell you nor do we know for sure). well, this has made this move all but tolerable up until the other day.

with the lingering thought of aaron leaving again, and still struggling to release my tight grasp on EVERYTHING, i had a complete meltdown and we hit heads completely head on. between the tears, the fears and 'pissy' behavior, we apparently have become 'normal' according to all the military garb out there about the 'normal' army couple nowadays.

but here's what sets us apart from the rest of the 'normal' couples in those write-ups: as we sat on the bathroom floor crying and blabbing about how we will make it through this, we figured out what are 'problem' is: i don't want to release my stronghold on EVERYTHING because i know aaron will be leaving again, leaving me to take on EVERYTHING again on my own. and with this inability to let go and being OVERLY critical of everything aaron does, I have created this horrible, heavy, cumbersome burden for myself.

so, as we sat there deciding we were not going to just be 'normal' and strive to be 'us,' i sat there rolling around in my head the idea of letting going though i know it will only be for a short time. but, that's our life, it's us, it's the life we chose together and knew we were getting into. so, as we sit in the middle of our house full of boxes and ready to make the 822 mile drive north knowing that in a few months aaron will be boarding a plane to fly some 8,922 miles across the world to protect and define what's right with 'us,' we're just going to be 'us' and not worry about being 'normal.' because that's what God has blessed us with and we'll take it!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

we all have it

we all have it. if you've been through a deployment, you have it. it's a matter of how you deal with it that sets you apart from the rest. heck, any separation from your loved one(s), regardless of the time frame, is tough on the body, mind and soul, but when you add in the news media, the missed holidays and watching your kids grow up via a webcam, one can hardly believe you wouldn't have it. and even if you don't think you have it, you have it, you're just denying yourself. and that makes it even worse. but, once again, what sets you apart from the rest is what you do with it once you accept that you have it.

i'm talking about ptsd. post traumatic stress disorder. it's not a disorder really. and you can have pre traumatic stress too. overall, it's a strain on you, on your overall well-being, on your self, on your emotions, your mind, your spirit and your soul. but, knowing that you're not the only one with it and that plenty go on with their everyday life as 'normal' and 'normal' can be, there is hope.

aaron did his 'clearing' from his course this week and i guess part of his clearing required a post-psych evaluation. apparently they wanted to make sure the course didn't make him go batty (too late). well, he came home and said, 'hmm... turns out i have mild ptsd.' i know this going to sound harsh, but i wasn't surprised. i kinda just brushed it off. for months i've known. i knew even before he came home. i knew i had it before he even got on a plane to redeploy home to us finally. however, there was a difference between then and now. just because i knew didn't make it okay. knowing now because he told me himself makes it okay, for both of us.

i don't love him any less. i'm not scared of him. but hearing him say he has ptsd just makes me feel that he has come to grasp the full affects of this last deployment and everything that happened. as we wrapped our heads around it (not much wrapping to do on my end), he received his new assignment and a tentative deployment timeline. this time only 12 months, but another round of separation and wear and tear on the mind, body and soul.

ps, but with strength, we'll get through this too. for nothing is greater then what He is will to help us through. i love you

Friday, September 4, 2009

happy jackie on happy jack drive

so i know, and you know, life gets crazy, your plate gets full and suddenly it's a month later and the world out there has no clue where you've been or what's happened. well, i'm here, i've been busy, but i'm back! so much has happened in the last month (no baby though, lots of practice, but no baby made, yet). when God blesses you, you better have your cup ready and a backup near by!

we've received our official orders and are plans to become the newest family to move to ft. carson come the end of the month. for a while it looked as if aaron would be assigned to a unit leaving in early 2010, but for now, it looks like he'll be the new s-2 of division! no official timeline yet as far as deployments, but later looks better then sooner.

and since we'll be enjoying the mountain views and cooler weather, we figured we may as well have somewhere to call 'home.' so, lil man and i spent last week working with an awesome realtor (thanks usaa!) and looked at what seemed like a million houses. when aaron flew up for the weekend we looked at just the top 5 and picked one to make ours. well, as much as you would hope that everyone in this world would be as honest and trustworthy as yourself, the seller wasn't very forthcoming about the mysterious structural damage. so, sunday we were back to square one and a tight deadline (aaron flew back down sunday evening). well, in a matter of a few hours we found our second #1. happy jack drive is home to a cute little 2-story with a fully finished basement. and come the end of the month, we'll be making it our home!

that's the skinny on the recent passed weeks. more to come though from my trip to nashville for my bestest's wedding and lil man and mine's visit with the family back east. stay tuned. oh how i've missed y'all!

ps, i love you! even if you won't let me paint our bedroom pink