Sunday, March 13, 2011

jealous bug, be gone

oh Lord, i want to be supportive and appreciative and have happy tears for them, but seriously, what about us?

i'm watching 'coming home' on lifetime and as heart-touching as the reunions are, i'm jealous. jealous to hear that the navy aviator was deployed only 7 months, total. jealous that some tv show was able to get a dad home early for his daughter's concert. jealous that at the end of the day, we'll be doing another 12 + months deployment, my boys will once again be bonding with their father thanks to a webcam, jealous that at the end of the day, they will never hear our story. and i don't like the jealous feeling, it's not who i am.

but then again, why not be jealous? heck, i would love a deployment that lasted less than 12 months. i would love for my husband to be home for our boys' birthdays (sure, he'll be home for the birth of our son and be able to put him to sleep for the first 12 days of his life, and then he'll be gone for another 6 + months). i would love for him to be able to take our son to soccer (no 3 yr old should break down in the middle soccer because he misses his daddy that much). i would love for my husband to come home at the end of this deployment and know he'll be home for the rest of our boys' lives.

but at the end of the day, it's not the path God has laid before. it's not the journey He has chosen for us. and it's not the easy road we will take. but, it is the road He is carrying us down. and so, jealousy aside, i will try to be happy for those reunited with their loved ones as we wait, and wait, and wait.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

this deployment is due to end me

so this is the deployment that will due me in, i can feel it.

it's like this. he calls like clockwork. and if he can't call, he emails or messages me. even when they go to blackout, i still get a message to reassure me that he is okay. if he leaves the fob, he lets me know that it'll be a few days and that's all i need for peace of mind.

fast forward to the last 24hrs: he called, said good night to lil man, we chit-chatted for a few brief moments before he had to go to work (it's daytime there when it's nighttime here. actually works out real conveniently for lil man's bedtime routine and still having daddy be part of it), our usual phone call. then came the day. i had an ob appt (36wks!), we had our usual chick-fil-a playdate (which is when he would usually call), we went to the gym (i'm still doing yoga) and ran some errands, had lil dragons (and lil man is doing so well), had dinner and started our bedtime routine. lil man had a rough bedtime tonight (there was some scratching and hitting and begging for daddy), so i really was hoping hubby would call to help lil man. well, no call during the day and no bedtime call...

first i thought maybe it was my phone. then i thought maybe something had happened and he didn't get a chance to get me a message. after checking with other wives, i was told it was a normal, crazy stress-filled day and their husbands were all in bed. hmmm.... this is where having taken the resiliency training back fired. rather than not catophersizing, i did catophersize. and boy am i good about thinking the worse of the worse. literally, i was down to counting the minutes until 11pm because i knew they can't make a notification after 11pm and i would have at least a few more hours to hear from him, that's how bad i am.

long story shortened, i got an email about how crazy stress-filled the day was and then he had the pleasure of fixing his computer that had crashed on him. so, rather than sleeping, my hero spent most of his night working on his computer so that when he gets off work he can call home finally. God, i love him!

but between preggo hormones and a preschooler and life and just being over these deployments, if i could drinking, there'd be a strong one on my desk right now. instead, i put my trust in God and know that He will get us through this.