Tuesday, December 28, 2010

you win, but 2011 will be even better

so it's been a while. and to be honest, i have no real good excuses. but here i am. and baby 2.2 too. and well, as 2010 draws to an end, here i sit feeling baby 2.2 kick and lil man is 'resting' as he likes to call his naps in the other room and hubby is some 7 thousand miles away and to be honest, i can't say i can check anything off my list of '10' for 2010. but i'm okay with that. i am.

when i look back over the year, everything else won, not me. but as i look forward to 2011, i know the victory is already in my grasp. sure, i didn't lose 10lbs, in fact i gained 10lbs and then some, but then again i'm baking a bun. and i didn't run my 10k or my 10 miler, but i was up to 6 miles until i was side lined. and i already have my eyes on 2012 the army ten miler. i didn't read 10 new books, but that's okay, i read lots of news stories and personal stories and learned even a few new words. and maybe this is my subtle hint that i'm not a reader. i didn't learn 10 new verses, but i kept a few on my heart everyday, and i would rather have a few on my heart than 10 verses learned for the sake of learning them. and i wrote a lot of cards, they didn't make them in the mailbox, but those that did, i know were cherished by the ones who received them. and i made 10 genuine connections. well, they were genuine to me. and those 10 pedis, well, there's a reason why we live in colorado now.

regardless of what i did or didn't accomplish in the last 360 odd days, in the end, i lived 360 odd days to the fullest, even when spending most of the day in the bathroom throwing up, and blessed, even when there were dark clouds. so, He will hold my hand and i will have the victory next year, because i can already see it, because i am blessed beyond belief.

Monday, June 28, 2010

eyes open, arms opened wide, breathe deep

so lil man and i love being in colorado because there are so many 'climb rocks' experiences. aka, we belong to a hiking group for mommies and their tots. and to be honest, it's the best investment/ membership we have, well besides my plush sports club membership.

but today as we were meeting up with our group i got the sting of reality. because everyone in our group has different schedules and our hikes are all over colorado springs, sometimes it's a while between hikes that we see each other. well, one of the moms we had seen last in march shared happy news the same day about our impending pregnancies. well, she's 21 weeks along and well, i'm not. and apparently no one told her. and well, as i opened my eyes wide to take in the beautiful view of the rockies and opened my arms wide to catch my lil man running down the hillside, i took a deep breathe and was stung with the reality that it's just us, just the three of us.

however, on a happier note, apparently secretary gates has a heart and has decided to give our family a few more weeks together and allow us one more extra try at letting God do his magic and grow our family.

thank you sec gates for having a heart. though when we get pregnant, we won't be naming our lil one after you.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

finding the positive isn't always easy

so i know the last few posts have been rather depressing. and to be honest, i've put off writing my weekly deployment check-in along with a few other things because i've just been an emotional mess and can't take on more.

with the reality that we're less then 90 days out from duffel bags, white buses and webcam dates again, i know our opportunities for make a baby are getting slimmer too. and then the thought that hubby will miss two birthdays, two football seasons, two halloweens, two thanksgivings, two christmases and one of everything else in between, i'm having a hard time trying to find the positive, the silver lining, the joy in what God has put before me.

usually i'm good at finding the positive, but i have these fears, thoughts that i know the devil has placed in my way to make we weaver in my faith. i know that i can overcome those thoughts, i know God will bring us through this. He is bringing us to it, so i know He'll bring us through it. but even with that echoing in my head, i'm having a hard time believing it with all my heart, soul and mind. and heck, why shouldn't i. 15 months is a very long time. iraq is safer then afghanstain, but still. any number of things could happen. what if i don't get pregnant? what if i miscarry and hubby is half a world away? what if?

but i'm trying to wrap my head around it. find the positive and make the most of our time together. so, my prayer is for positive thinking, for courage to face the journey before us, to have renewed and continued faith and to kick satan out of my mind.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

on vacation, sorta

so we're having a grand ole time on vacation, no real schedule to keep, doing as we please, hardly a spat over anything and on the inside, i'm a total emotional mess. seriously an emotional hot mess.

between being worn down by lil man's morning tantrums, i blame the darn time difference (he's waking up here at 6am, but in reality it's only 4am back home) and then the sheer excitement of everything we're doing together but then the looming thought that this could be our last vacation as a family, ever, it's just a train wreck of emotions. and all the same i'm keeping a smile on my face and my head held high as we make our way through the lines and laugh and smile and just enjoy being together and yet, each person passing by has no clue what a hot mess i am on the inside.

but then again, i can see in some of their eyes that maybe they can see past the smiles and laughter and they can see it in my eyes that when we pass the little girls' sections in the stores i feel cheated or maybe they can see when we pose for a picture that i'm praying it's not the last, or maybe they can see when i'm laughing at the silly face our lil man is making that inside i'm just slap worn out. and maybe they can relate or they simply want to care. but i just can't let it all out, not all at least. i do let out a few tears here and there.

we sat watching the 'hall of presidents' today and patriotic things always make me teary, but i teared up as i watched, not because i'm proud to be american, which i am, but because my husband is risking his life and leaving us to do so for each and every person we sit in the show with and then some. and then as we pass through the shops, thank goodness for bug-eyed, dark sunglasses as hot tears roll down my cheek and i quickly wipe them away as i brush pass the princess dresses and minnie ears. and then come the happy tears as i breathe a sigh of relief and belief and know that it will all be okay and know that i'm not in this alone. and i can feel His arms around me as i watch those shows and as i pass the shops and know that He is giving me strength to endure.

on a side note, i tried to make the blog private but realized that the blog is smarter then me.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

4wks and living and dying

so it's been four weeks, which i didn't realize until i was watching grey's anatomy's last 15 minutes when meredith herself experiences the same grief. and then i thought of the preview for this coming weekend's army wives and i all i can think is, 'really!?!, do i really need more reminders.'

i couldn't figure out why i felt so emotionally and physically exhausted today, but as i sit here reflecting on my recent journey and looking at my beautiful angel hubby got me for mother's day (i would have been 12wks on mother's day) i know why. in the last four weeks i've kept myself so busy, on the go constantly that i have to confess that i have not grieved completely or properly yet. sure, i've cried here and there and i've made my peace with God, for the most part though tv shows i watch in hopes of relaxing are making me a little upset with Him, and i want to say that i'm ready for the next step, but i'm honestly just avoiding the pain.

to be honest, it will be nice to get away, to leave behind the reminders of the life we will not be living, right now. it'll be nice to step away and take a breathe, truly relax and grieve, at the happiest place on earth (go figure). but i know through it all, with a deployment looming, a body that hasn't regulated yet, and this grief and the million things on my plate, i know that i don't control it all and i don't make the decisions on what happens and how far the ripples will spread. i just sit back and watch the beautiful picture He is painting with me.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

tears on a sunny day

so i'm not one to sit and cry, much. and i'm not one to let the projects around new home pile up. but the other day, as i was using my hand shovel to 'cut' the grass out of the front yard so i could lay down the pavers the previous owners left us (the left side of the driveway has pavers already, they just never finished the job), i had to great help of our lil man, assisting me in every.single.step.of.the.way.

but as we were pulling up the row of sod, i collapsed trying to take the sod roll and dump it in the garbage can. but lil man simply pulled a piece of sod off and tossed it in the garbage and very clearly pointed out to me that i needed to take smaller pieces and toss them. once we had staked down our weedblock and smoothed out our sand, it was time to move those heavy pavers. the first few weren't too bad and i started on the far end of the drive (not like we have a long driveway). but as i laid each paver down and my arms got tired, i got angry at my hubby. why hadn't he taken on this project? why wasn't he the one who was doing all the yard work? and then, as the gentle breeze blew and the clouds slowly crept across the sunny mid-day sky, i cried out, 'why am i able to do this! i shouldn't be able to do this! i should be restricted from heavy lifting. i should be pregnant!'

and then i sat on our front steps and cried tears on that sunny day. it was a moment i'm sure that will repeat itself over and over again in the months and years to come. it was a moment i'm sure to relive when i least expect it (come on, i was laying pavers, nothing 'mommy-ing' in that). but it was a moment that i was wrapped in warm sunshine and knew i wasn't alone as i cried tears on a sunny day. and now that summer is near and the warm evenings are hopefully here to stay, as i look out over the plains and see the far of distant lighting over kansas, i know our angel is up there playing, just waiting for us to be a family again someday.

Friday, May 14, 2010

been there all the time waiting

ever feel like the light bulb has come on and you 'duh,' you've been there the whole time? it's kind of one of those moments where you go, 'okay, i can see you, i know you've been there the whole time, i've just not wanted to see you there.'

with our recent miscarriage and the upcoming deployment and the mounding of things i've taken on and a toddler who has decided now would be a good time to regress and act 2, i have found myself throwing my arms more then ever and going, 'seriously?!? are you serious!' and it's not fair, i mean, i know in my heart of hearts, if God brings you to it, He will bring your through it. but, honestly lately, i've felt that that is easier said then believed.

as sat there tonight at the wings for women military spouses conference and admired all the pregnant bellies, i put my hand on my stomach and knew that all i was feeling was my well-padded storage of yummy foods i really didn't need. and as i sang my little heart out, oh Lord, please let me have been somewhat in tune, the words spoke straight to my heart. and as i listened to the keynote speakers, laughing a lot and feeling refreshed, my mind kept wondering off to the timeline of things to come in the near future... and it was while i was drifting through the future that i saw the light bulb come on, if i ever needed God, i need him now.

between the grief and waiting, between the unknown and waiting, between Him waiting so patiently for me to go 'ah-huh,' He has been there the whole time carrying me and holding me close. and knowing that He was there in those dark moments and in those uncertain moments, i know He will be there as i continue to take one step at a time and take one breathe at a time, knowing that He will bring me to it, and He will bring me through it.

ps, with some crazy comments being left and OPSEC and such, i've decided to make the blog private. simply leave me a comment with your email and i will make sure to add you to the guest list. the blog will go private friday, may 21.

Monday, April 26, 2010

and now i'm in the anger stage

so they say that when you grieve the loss of someone, you will go through six stages, not always in any particular order, but you will stop for at least a moment in each stage: denial, isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

i've accepted what has happened. i guess while i was going through the agony of the 'birth' i was trying to convince and bargain with God that he really didn't want to take our baby. in actual grieving aka crying, i have isolated myself and that's just how i am. i'm a very emotional person both public and private, but when it comes to actually grieving, i tend to isolate myself. and well leaves us with denial, anger and depression. i guess part of me is in denial still holding out hope that maybe when i go for the ultra sound the doctors will realize they were wrong and that our baby is just fine, safe and sound in my cervix in my belly right where she belongs. and i have a feeling depression will rear her ugly head eventually. but at this moment, it's anger i'm feeling.

i'm angry that this even happened. i'm angry that my hubby is stressed at work with peoples' petty whining over meaningless things (many don't know what happened over the course of the last few days). i'm angry people don't understand that i want to grieve alone (and to be honest, there's nothing wrong with that and actually it's rather healthy for you). i'm angry that i had to miss out on this past weekend's fun events and 10k. i'm angry that the triage nurse still hasn't called. i'm angry that that i'm angry.

i'm not angry at God though. crazy though considering the fact that He is the one in control of all this and the one who ultimately made this happen. and yet, i can't find myself to be angry with him.

three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth. ~buddha

Friday, April 23, 2010

and just like that it was over with

as the thunderstorms rolled through our area last night, with hail and all of God's beautiful fiery and power, it was over. just like the morning my water broke with lil man, with all its rain and thunder nearly 2 and a half years ago, i gave 'birth' as the hail pounded our roof and the lightning stretched across the night sky.

as of yesterday i was 9 wks 5 days pregnant with our second child. we hadn't told many. in fact, we had actually planned on telling everyone next week. using my picture of me running the okc memorial marathon relay 10k at 10 wks pregnant we wanted to announce the joyful news. but God has other plans for us. {jeremiah 29:11}

this terribly scary journey began tuesday with some light spotting, normal for most pregnancies. following doctor's orders, i went home, rested and tried to relax. wednesday morning things just didn't seem 'right.' i had called the triage nurse, but unbeknown to me their systems had crashed along with my contact info, and went to my eye doctor's appointment. yea! contacts! i can see again. i remember talking to my optometrist about running and being pregnant and he asked, 'is that safe to do?' i explained since i've been running for nearly a year, i was cleared to continue running through my pregnancy. i shared some pointers and we were done.

things still didn't feel 'right' and i didn't want to just 'sit and wait' anymore for the nurse to call back (though remember, their systems had crashed). lil man and i headed for ft. carson's evans hospital and the ob walk-in clinic. after a short wait we saw dr. silver. after telling him how i now had some 'period-like' cramps and the bleeding had increased, he did a vaginal ultra sound. lil man was so thrilled to see the baby! i had explained to him that he could talk to the baby in my belly but we had to 'see' her on a 'special tv.' unfortunately i couldn't get a hold of hubby (oh how i love the army), but we went to visit him after the doctor's. i explained to him that i was on strict orders to do a whole lot of nothing, to relax and drink lots of water, but we had seen the baby and her heartbeat!

well, wednesday afternoon hubby took off early and came home with us. by the time we made the 45 minute drive home, the cramping and bleeding had increased even more. so, we grab lil man's backpack, threw in some snacks, toys and the ipod loaded with his movies and headed to evans' er. after 6 glorious hours, through which i kept reminding myself to calm down and that we are not alone in this {psalm 46:10}, we were told that there was no clear answer to whether or not i would miscarry or if my placenta had simply tore as it was stretching.

at 5:20am thursday morning i felt as if i were going into labor. the cramping had become so strong and painful and by now i was bleeding and a lot. we headed back to the er, where i nearly collapsed while trying to check-in (thank you super nice emt who got me a wheelchair!). after the iv and the morphine, i had another ultra-sound. hubby and lil man weren't allowed to come along. so in the room with three strangers, i put on a brave face as the doctor read the screen and looked at me, 'ma'am, there is no detectable heartbeat and your baby is measuring only 8 wks, 1 day. i'm so sorry.'

my er doctor explained to us that what happened is called 'fetal demise.' because the baby wasn't developing correctly, my body had decided to end the pregnancy (gosh it's so hard to find the right words for this), and miscarry. i'm thinking of as God sparing us greater pain later on by doing this {psalm 32:4}.

dr. silver gave us our options and i chose to let my body its thing, clinging to my faith and the hope that maybe they were all wrong and had missed something and that everything would be alright in my sense of the word. we returned home as the cramping continued. by night fall i was still in shock and just numb to the situation. but as the thunder roared and the lightning lit up the night sky, i gave 'birth' and just like that, it was over with.

we are finding peace in this though. knowing that God truly does have a better plan for us. see, had i gone full-term, i would have been due the week of thanksgiving and hubby would have been deployed with no way of being home for the birth. and as we watch our lil man play with his toys (by the way, we explained to him that the baby got very sick and that she's in heaven now with God watching over us and he's okay with that), we can't help but feel so blessed already. when the time is right, God will guide us to make the decision on whether or not to try again.

we thank God and all of you for your continued love and support. we will get through this too

Monday, April 5, 2010

hey soul sister

ever see someone and their glow and just can't help but stare? and then you look at everything that's going on around them and really can't help but stare and be amazed by their continued glow and amazing soul?

i want to be that person.

in this life we've been given by God to trail on down its pathway, pathways sometimes because we forget our plans are not God's plans, there is room for so many moments to dampen our glow, our soul, our dance in the rain. it's not that i want to be stared at, no way, shape or form, but i want to be able to stand there or dance or sing or simply smile and be able to encourage, inspire someone to do the same. i guess it's my servant-heart that God has blessed me with. i want to serve others by providing that encouragement. i don't need to know that i've done so, but i want to feel, i want to know that i am. even when it rains or the darkness of the deep lonely night sets in, i want to be able to be a glow for someone.

and sometimes i forget that the best person i can be that glow for is the person staring right back at me in the mirror. i think sometimes that sister of mine has the most amazing glow, even if it's just for a split second and then she's off and chasing a two year old or scrubbing the toilets or running to this event or that meeting, but even that glimpse of her and her soul reminds me that i am that soul sister with her glow and encouragement and amazement, i just have to let her out.

Lord, ease my mind and quiet my thoughts and busy-body so that YOU can take my soul sister and let her shine and inspire others by serving YOU. amen

Thursday, March 18, 2010

no matter what, their parade will always get rained on

do you know someone that no matter what, their parade will always get rained on? regardless of what it is, their situation is always horrible, painful, worse then everyone elses' situation? and they always complain about how they are feeling bummed out all the time and just can't figure out why or how to get over it?

i don't like to dwell on negative feelings. i don't like to surround myself with negative people. i don't believe life is all sunshine, rainbows and cupcakes. but i do believe that no matter how horrible, painful or awful my situation, someone else's situation will always be worse then mine so i try not to complain, or not as loudly.
sure, i can rattle of a list of things that i have happened to me in my lifetime that should have knocked me down, brought me to cries and should have left me questioning God (and don't think i didn't at the time). but when i look in the mirror, i'm glad they happened to me and that God brought me through them for they made me the person i am today, fully capable of handling anything that comes my way.

looking ahead to what 2010 holds for me and my family, i know there's a deployment on the horizons again. but i also know we're also trying to add to our family, most likely resulting in me delivering with hubby watching via webcam the birth of our child. there are holidays he'll miss, again. there are the moments we want to share with our family but can't because we live on the other side of the country from them. there wil be friends who will disappoint. there will be opportunities missed. there will be much more. but when 2010 closes out, we can say we made it and we made it with God's merciful hands around us.
and so, let the negative nancy and sad sally boo whoo, and yes, i'll offer an encouraging word and pray for them, but at the end of the day, i won't let them bring me down.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

through the lens of my carema

so aaron totally rocked my birthday (and valentine's day and our anniversary and mother's day) with a brand spanking new canon eos 7d! so, i've been playing around with it, learning how to use it and just enjoying life through the lens of my new camera.
as i was taking pictures the other day of our lil man as the snow fell gently around him, i started thinking, when you turn off the 'auto focus' and start using the 'manual focus,' it was more excitng to take pictures and see the end results. life is just the same way. when you turn off the 'auto focus' and start looking at life through 'manual focus,' you start seeing things more clearly for yourself.
as i turned the focus thingy to clear up the image through the lens, i started realizing that once i stopped going through life on 'auto,' i was able to start focusing on what's really important, not the things everyone else thought for me was important, but what i myself thought was and is important to me, for myself, for my family, for those who surround me.

and so with that, i'm focusing more on the 'manual' setting in my life, starting with the things i spend my time and energy on. aaron pointed out recently that i've been wearing myself thin, trying to help too many and forgetting to help myself and our family. so, the auto setting is off, the manual setting is on and i can't wait to see the pictures God and i take in 'manual.'

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

nothing, but a lot of things

ever just have a lot on your mind, but then nothing to really write? a lot has happened, but it just seems that i have no energy to sort it all out in my brain, get it through my finger tips and have it make sense for you to digust. so, i leave you with nothing, but with lots of things on my mind.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

what about my son

it's a double post night!

as i listen to lil man doze off to sleepy-by land on the baby monitor, and as i spend another night combing through the countless websites, reading article after article, searching for answers, i wonder, what about my son?

sure the department of defense has made sure there are plenty of resources for parents and teachers for school-aged children facing the deployment cycle. but when it comes to our youngest family members, it seems that most forget that they too serve, they too suffer, they too need support and comfort and help.

sure we keep busy, we have a routine, we watch 'dadda story' (videos of daddy reading stories), we do the webcam playdates, we have a picture wall gallery of pictures of lil man and daddy, we have the build-a-bear, we've read 'the kissing hand' and 'night catch,' lil man wears his milawear bracelet and has a set of daddy's dogtags, we talk on the phone with daddy as much as he can call, we do art for daddy and wounded warriors, we have monthly goals to help pass the time, we have playdates with other little ones going through the same thing, but at the end of the day, daddy still isn't home and it's still months before he'll be home (well, not right now, but come later on this year it will).

even now with hubby just tdy for three weeks, each and every time lil man hears an airplane (at lil man's request, we stayed at until we saw his plane taxi away), he has asked, 'dadda airplane?' and each time i tell him, 'not today. but in X more bedtimes daddy will be home.' there have already been a few times that i've bit my lip and looked away as to avoid tearing up. and to think, this is just a three week tdy and he's just a few states away. what am i going to do when hubby is 7 timezones and 7,079 miles away for at least 12 months?

i pray each and every night to God for strength and guidance. i've been grabbing every book possible to read and find more strategies for coping. i've talked with other moms. i've mentioned it to our deputy commander and our care team. but what more can i do? what more can i do for our son? for all the little ones who are forgotten?

what's really important

so this past weekend i went to church with my new bestie (don't worry other besties, you haven't be replaced, just added another). it's amazing how you can quickly forge a friendship with someone (but both of our hubs have been tdy the last two weeks and we've been sharing meals and helping her learn the town and the post). i digress. so at any rate, we're listening to this sermon about luke 12:12-21 about what are your real riches and the masks people will wear.

as we've been discussing each evening after the meal we've shared, i hate leftovers, i've come to realize that i too wear a masks, but i've also re-evaluated those who i counted close to me and slowly found that they too are wearing masks. there is no greater disappointment then to put your trust and confidence in someone and then realize that that trust and confidence has been betrayed when they turn and 'run' their mouth about you to someone else.

as i approach my 10 year high school reunion and i look over the pictures and jog down memory lane, i find that there are some that i wish i was still close friends with, but because of their masks and betrayal, we're not. and it's sad.

as the message continued, we also have discussed what's important to us. everyone needs a passion. whether it's your work, your family, your stress release, your possessions, everyone has something they are passionate about. if not, then they are missing out on life. however, sometimes your passion is not something you can store up and have waiting on you when you get to heaven. thinking about what my passion, helping others, i wonder, is that maybe why i've re-evaluated those around me and consider which are wearing the masks and which are passionate about being themselves and being true to me.

so at the end of the day, i know God has a plan for me, for me not to wear a mask, for me not to store up materialistic things, for me to carry on the path of life with those surrounding me that are true not just to me, but to themselves.

never seen a hoarse pulling a u-haul trailer.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

you can make a difference

so i'm just a lowly captain's wife. just a stay at home mom (though we're never home). just another spouse at fort carson.

well, last week the command at carson decided they should have a 'blog webchat' with those who wanted to share their concerns, praises and groans about things at carson. so, i of course took advantage of the moment to complain out the information channel(s) and the lack of customer service. well, apparently since i didn't just complain but actually offered solutions, i caught the eye of one of the top dogs. i was told to email him and for two days we played phone tag. well, after a short hour meeting with top dog, i have a voice for all those who want to see change at fort carson.

i never really thought that all my gripes and suggestion for more efficient and effective use of resources for our soldiers and their families would ever become much of anything else but small talk over coffee. it's amazing how God can put you in the right place at the right time. here's praying that i really will be able to really bloom where i'm planted.

Friday, January 22, 2010

no thank you, i don't like hiccups

ever feel like everything is going long just fine and then all of a sudden there's a hiccup? and then another? and one more hiccup after that one?

it seems that this last week was a make or break week with its hiccups, one after another. well, just like with this week and every other thing that comes up, you have two choices: take the hiccup, sit down and throw a pity party or you take the hiccup and tell it to take a hike. this week, every hiccup was told to take a hike. the coffee the kid knocked over and onto my backside during today's story time, no biggie, it was just a peppermint mocha and my pants smelled good. the hiccup of hubby going tdy and forcing lil man to become permanently attached to me, oh well, it's practice for the deployment. the disappointment in others' decisions this week. hey, you have to do what you have to do.

all and all, when evil tries to make its way into your day, you have to remember, it's a test, it's a way to hiccup what God has given you. and that's when you have to decide, pity party or take a hike?

Saturday, January 16, 2010

love is...

love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 corinthians 13:4-7
looking out the bathroom this morning as i blow-dried my hair, i was looking at our wedding picture frames. we had our guests sign our pictures frames and leave us personalized messages there rather then in a guest book. we have these frames hanging in the hallway to our bedroom. well, one message, from aaron's parents, was simple: love mom and dad 1 corinthians 13:4-7.
love is that simple. just 15 things to live by. be patient. be kind. no envy. no boasting. no need to be proud. don't be rude. don't be self-seeking. don't be quick to anger. and don't hold grudges. don't delight in others' difficulties or wrongs. seek the truth. always protect. always trust. always find hope. always persevere.
simple. and how i have made things difficult.
patient has not been a word in my vocabulary when it has come to aaron lately. i have been patient with his integration, a year in the making, but now that that time has come and gone, it seems my patients has too. guilty!
kind, are you kidding me. i have more negative, hurtful, unkind words springing from my mouth then i care for. rather then approach him and our life with understanding and patience, and use kind words, i have done all but that. guilty!
envy, oh i'm green. not that i'm envious of his job or the long hours he works. but i'm envious of the time he gets alone. ridiculous, right! okay, as a stay-at-home mom it is understandable that one feels like that never have time to themselves, but seriously, in retrospect to aaron and his time, i have no right to be envious or green. guilty!
boast, oh i can boast about all the things i do. and instead i know i should be thankful that i can do all those things. if it weren't for aaron's hard work and sacrifice, there's no way i would be able to spend the time i do with lil man, taking him here and there, or be able to live the lifestyle we do. guilty!
proud, see boast. guilty!
self-seeking, oh i'm good about making it look like aaron is being selfish when actually, i'm the one who is being selfish. rather then seeking out things for us, i'm so busy seeking things out for me. guilty!
easily angered, party of one, here! yup, i'm so quick to be angered by aaron. rather then take my own advice and counsel that i give everyone else, i'm the one who should be taking the deep breathes, taking a step back and seeing the big picture. guilty!
grudges, oh i have a mind sharp and ready to store any wrong-doing by aaron and can recall it when i need to. rather then recalling the good things, i've been so quick lately to recall the wrongs. guilty!
i'm so guilty of telling aaron, 'i hope this happens to you because you're not doing that.' how wrong! rather then accepting what he's doing, not wearing a coat when it's cold outside, i'm always quick to tell him the evil i hope comes to be, i hope you get sick. guilty!
truth. i'm so quick to question everything he says or to argue my point rather then just seeing the truth in the matter. guilty!
protects. aaron does so much to protect us. what do i do to protect us? sure i make sure lil man is protected, but as far as our marriage, what am i really doing to protect it? nothing. guilty!
trusts. see truth. guilty!
hope. recently it seems that i've just given up. rather then find the hope, the good in things to come for our marriage, i'm just looking forward to the break. rather then looking for growth, i'm looking for breaks. guilty!
perseveres. our marriage and our love will persevere. we do love each other. we said 'forever' and we will grow old together, sitting on our front porch on our rocking chairs still fussing at each other 80 years from now. guilty!
sure, there are a lot of things i'm guilty of and no, my hubby is not perfect either, he has his own set of guilties, but i know what i need to do, what i need to work on. now to communicate to him that we both have things to work on because we will make this marriage work. we're army strong! but more importantly, we're blessed by God and he's got a great plan and journey for us ahead!

Friday, January 15, 2010

i love you roommate

i cried myself to sleep last night, in lil man's room.

for the last few days it's felt i'm sharing a house with my hubby as his roommate rather then being the love of his life, his wife, the one he longs to fall asleep next to at night and the first to see in the morning. ugh.

we're 7 months away from the deployment. he'll be gone for the next 20 days come next week. it's been over a year now since he came home. we did just finish up the holidays. the honda does have some dents in it that we're having taken care of via the insurance company. the workload at work did just kick it up twelve notches. but all of these excuses don't explain why i've been demoted to roommate.

i'm trying not to let me disrupte my day. i did mention it to him. it's just so hard to continue to be the one who carries this relationship. it's hard to be the one who's always being romantic. it's just hard. and don't get me wrong. my hubby is a wonderful man. he provides for us, he protects us, he puts us first, but i feel like 'us' as a couple is nelegected. just a ull of the military love story.

Monday, January 4, 2010

stopped in my tracks

so i wanted to blog about my 'perfect 10' list for my perfect 2010, when all of sudden i was stopped in my tracks, doubled-over and forced to recognize that i need to slow down!

nothing like deciding whether to puke or poop in the toilet (sorry for the details) to make you realize that maybe God should do the planning and you should just listen. i was all excited about my list, in fact, i even put some of my '10's' in my weekly deployment check-in. but then sunday morning God's wreath was upon me, and well, i was shaken, not just from the chills, but reminded that i am merely on the path that God has laid before me and this journey has already been planned, booked, and packed for for me already (jeremiah 29:11).

so as i lay at the usafa's acute care clinic hooked up to an iv to pump me up with fluids again (funny how a morning of vomitting will drain you right up dry), i decided that my list of 10 needs to be reprioritized. and as i lay here, 24hrs after beginning my 'recovery,' i'm still waiting, and listening, and voling, about what order my list of 10 should be in or what really needs to on it.
here's what i've got so far:
1. recommit each day 10 minutes to just God and me
2. commit to heart 10 new verses
3. drop those last 10lbs
4. get 10 pedicures
5. read 10 new books
6. run the army 10 miler
7. make 10 new guinea connections
8. write 10 handwritten notes (and mail them)
9. take on 10 new projects
10. still haven't decided. any suggestions? i'm listening God. just no more bathroom moments, please