Thursday, May 20, 2010

4wks and living and dying

so it's been four weeks, which i didn't realize until i was watching grey's anatomy's last 15 minutes when meredith herself experiences the same grief. and then i thought of the preview for this coming weekend's army wives and i all i can think is, 'really!?!, do i really need more reminders.'

i couldn't figure out why i felt so emotionally and physically exhausted today, but as i sit here reflecting on my recent journey and looking at my beautiful angel hubby got me for mother's day (i would have been 12wks on mother's day) i know why. in the last four weeks i've kept myself so busy, on the go constantly that i have to confess that i have not grieved completely or properly yet. sure, i've cried here and there and i've made my peace with God, for the most part though tv shows i watch in hopes of relaxing are making me a little upset with Him, and i want to say that i'm ready for the next step, but i'm honestly just avoiding the pain.

to be honest, it will be nice to get away, to leave behind the reminders of the life we will not be living, right now. it'll be nice to step away and take a breathe, truly relax and grieve, at the happiest place on earth (go figure). but i know through it all, with a deployment looming, a body that hasn't regulated yet, and this grief and the million things on my plate, i know that i don't control it all and i don't make the decisions on what happens and how far the ripples will spread. i just sit back and watch the beautiful picture He is painting with me.


Tyler said...

Aww Jackie! I hope Disney is a nice little vacation for you. You deserve it, lady! Thinking of you, of course!