Monday, April 26, 2010

and now i'm in the anger stage

so they say that when you grieve the loss of someone, you will go through six stages, not always in any particular order, but you will stop for at least a moment in each stage: denial, isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

i've accepted what has happened. i guess while i was going through the agony of the 'birth' i was trying to convince and bargain with God that he really didn't want to take our baby. in actual grieving aka crying, i have isolated myself and that's just how i am. i'm a very emotional person both public and private, but when it comes to actually grieving, i tend to isolate myself. and well leaves us with denial, anger and depression. i guess part of me is in denial still holding out hope that maybe when i go for the ultra sound the doctors will realize they were wrong and that our baby is just fine, safe and sound in my cervix in my belly right where she belongs. and i have a feeling depression will rear her ugly head eventually. but at this moment, it's anger i'm feeling.

i'm angry that this even happened. i'm angry that my hubby is stressed at work with peoples' petty whining over meaningless things (many don't know what happened over the course of the last few days). i'm angry people don't understand that i want to grieve alone (and to be honest, there's nothing wrong with that and actually it's rather healthy for you). i'm angry that i had to miss out on this past weekend's fun events and 10k. i'm angry that the triage nurse still hasn't called. i'm angry that that i'm angry.

i'm not angry at God though. crazy though considering the fact that He is the one in control of all this and the one who ultimately made this happen. and yet, i can't find myself to be angry with him.

three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth. ~buddha