Tuesday, December 8, 2009

i'll be home for christmas

i'll be home for christmas, bring him home santa, when are you coming home, all i want for christmas, a soldier's silent night, and the list goes on.

as we, lil man and i, were baking cookies today, we danced around the kitchen to our favorite christmas songs on the radio. all happy and joyful, and then came on "i'll be home for christmas." i started singing along as i had to all the previous songs. and as i realized what was coming from my mouth, i stopped, i stared out our son and tears started in the inner corners of my eyes. i pulled my lips in and bit down. then cayman said, 'momma?' confused to why i had stopped dropping cookies on the bake sheet, confused to why i had started dancing, confused to why i had stopped singing, confused to why i was starting to cry.

it's amazing how a group of words with a melody could stop you in your tracks. sure, there are other songs that get me at any time of the year, but this time of year is especially hard, even with aaron home. until he gets out of the army, i know there's going to be a good chance that every other or even two christmases, aaron will not be home. i never imagined for a moment that having him home would be as difficult as having him gone.

sure, i get to fall asleep at night next to him and i wake up to him getting ready for pt. and sure he sits across the table from me as we eat dinner. and sure we hold hands as we drive as a family somewhere. but, when i think of how great it is to spend all of this time together, i have it in the back of my mind how next year we'll be doing this long-distance, again. and i know, it's the life we chose. but how do i brace myself to tell our son next summer that daddy won't be home for the year?