through the lens of my carema

so aaron totally rocked my birthday (and valentine's day and our anniversary and mother's day) with a brand spanking new canon eos 7d! so, i've been playing around with it, learning how to use it and just enjoying life through the lens of my new camera.

as i was taking pictures the other day of our lil man as the snow fell gently around him, i started thinking, when you turn off the 'auto focus' and start using the 'manual focus,' it was more excitng to take pictures and see the end results. life is just the same way. when you turn off the 'auto focus' and start looking at life through 'manual focus,' you start seeing things more clearly for yourself.

as i turned the focus thingy to clear up the image through the lens, i started realizing that once i stopped going through life on 'auto,' i was able to start focusing on what's really important, not the things everyone else thought for me was important, but what i myself thought was and is important to me, for myself, for my family, for those who surround me.

and so with that, i'm focusing more on the 'manual' setting in my life, starting with the things i spend my time and energy on. aaron pointed out recently that i've been wearing myself thin, trying to help too many and forgetting to help myself and our family. so, the auto setting is off, the manual setting is on and i can't wait to see the pictures God and i take in 'manual.'

nothing, but a lot of things

ever just have a lot on your mind, but then nothing to really write? a lot has happened, but it just seems that i have no energy to sort it all out in my brain, get it through my finger tips and have it make sense for you to digust. so, i leave you with nothing, but with lots of things on my mind.

what about my son

it's a double post night!

as i listen to lil man doze off to sleepy-by land on the baby monitor, and as i spend another night combing through the countless websites, reading article after article, searching for answers, i wonder, what about my son?

sure the department of defense has made sure there are plenty of resources for parents and teachers for school-aged children facing the deployment cycle. but when it comes to our youngest family members, it seems that most forget that they too serve, they too suffer, they too need support and comfort and help.

sure we keep busy, we have a routine, we watch 'dadda story' (videos of daddy reading stories), we do the webcam playdates, we have a picture wall gallery of pictures of lil man and daddy, we have the build-a-bear, we've read 'the kissing hand' and 'night catch,' lil man wears his milawear bracelet and has a set of daddy's dogtags, we talk on the phone with daddy as much as he can call, we do art for daddy and wounded warriors, we have monthly goals to help pass the time, we have playdates with other little ones going through the same thing, but at the end of the day, daddy still isn't home and it's still months before he'll be home (well, not right now, but come later on this year it will).

even now with hubby just tdy for three weeks, each and every time lil man hears an airplane (at lil man's request, we stayed at until we saw his plane taxi away), he has asked, 'dadda airplane?' and each time i tell him, 'not today. but in X more bedtimes daddy will be home.' there have already been a few times that i've bit my lip and looked away as to avoid tearing up. and to think, this is just a three week tdy and he's just a few states away. what am i going to do when hubby is 7 timezones and 7,079 miles away for at least 12 months?

i pray each and every night to God for strength and guidance. i've been grabbing every book possible to read and find more strategies for coping. i've talked with other moms. i've mentioned it to our deputy commander and our care team. but what more can i do? what more can i do for our son? for all the little ones who are forgotten?

what's really important

so this past weekend i went to church with my new bestie (don't worry other besties, you haven't be replaced, just added another). it's amazing how you can quickly forge a friendship with someone (but both of our hubs have been tdy the last two weeks and we've been sharing meals and helping her learn the town and the post). i digress. so at any rate, we're listening to this sermon about luke 12:12-21 about what are your real riches and the masks people will wear.

as we've been discussing each evening after the meal we've shared, i hate leftovers, i've come to realize that i too wear a masks, but i've also re-evaluated those who i counted close to me and slowly found that they too are wearing masks. there is no greater disappointment then to put your trust and confidence in someone and then realize that that trust and confidence has been betrayed when they turn and 'run' their mouth about you to someone else.

as i approach my 10 year high school reunion and i look over the pictures and jog down memory lane, i find that there are some that i wish i was still close friends with, but because of their masks and betrayal, we're not. and it's sad.

as the message continued, we also have discussed what's important to us. everyone needs a passion. whether it's your work, your family, your stress release, your possessions, everyone has something they are passionate about. if not, then they are missing out on life. however, sometimes your passion is not something you can store up and have waiting on you when you get to heaven. thinking about what my passion, helping others, i wonder, is that maybe why i've re-evaluated those around me and consider which are wearing the masks and which are passionate about being themselves and being true to me.

so at the end of the day, i know God has a plan for me, for me not to wear a mask, for me not to store up materialistic things, for me to carry on the path of life with those surrounding me that are true not just to me, but to themselves.

never seen a hoarse pulling a u-haul trailer.

you can make a difference

so i'm just a lowly captain's wife. just a stay at home mom (though we're never home). just another spouse at fort carson.

well, last week the command at carson decided they should have a 'blog webchat' with those who wanted to share their concerns, praises and groans about things at carson. so, i of course took advantage of the moment to complain out the information channel(s) and the lack of customer service. well, apparently since i didn't just complain but actually offered solutions, i caught the eye of one of the top dogs. i was told to email him and for two days we played phone tag. well, after a short hour meeting with top dog, i have a voice for all those who want to see change at fort carson.

i never really thought that all my gripes and suggestion for more efficient and effective use of resources for our soldiers and their families would ever become much of anything else but small talk over coffee. it's amazing how God can put you in the right place at the right time. here's praying that i really will be able to really bloom where i'm planted.

no thank you, i don't like hiccups

ever feel like everything is going long just fine and then all of a sudden there's a hiccup? and then another? and one more hiccup after that one?

it seems that this last week was a make or break week with its hiccups, one after another. well, just like with this week and every other thing that comes up, you have two choices: take the hiccup, sit down and throw a pity party or you take the hiccup and tell it to take a hike. this week, every hiccup was told to take a hike. the coffee the kid knocked over and onto my backside during today's story time, no biggie, it was just a peppermint mocha and my pants smelled good. the hiccup of hubby going tdy and forcing lil man to become permanently attached to me, oh well, it's practice for the deployment. the disappointment in others' decisions this week. hey, you have to do what you have to do.

all and all, when evil tries to make its way into your day, you have to remember, it's a test, it's a way to hiccup what God has given you. and that's when you have to decide, pity party or take a hike?

love is...

love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 corinthians 13:4-7

looking out the bathroom this morning as i blow-dried my hair, i was looking at our wedding picture frames. we had our guests sign our pictures frames and leave us personalized messages there rather then in a guest book. we have these frames hanging in the hallway to our bedroom. well, one message, from aaron's parents, was simple: love mom and dad 1 corinthians 13:4-7.

love is that simple. just 15 things to live by. be patient. be kind. no envy. no boasting. no need to be proud. don't be rude. don't be self-seeking. don't be quick to anger. and don't hold grudges. don't delight in others' difficulties or wrongs. seek the truth. always protect. always trust. always find hope. always persevere.

simple. and how i have made things difficult.

patient has not been a word in my vocabulary when it has come to aaron lately. i have been patient with his integration, a year in the making, but now that that time has come and gone, it seems my patients has too. guilty!

kind, are you kidding me. i have more negative, hurtful, unkind words springing from my mouth then i care for. rather then approach him and our life with understanding and patience, and use kind words, i have done all but that. guilty!

envy, oh i'm green. not that i'm envious of his job or the long hours he works. but i'm envious of the time he gets alone. ridiculous, right! okay, as a stay-at-home mom it is understandable that one feels like that never have time to themselves, but seriously, in retrospect to aaron and his time, i have no right to be envious or green. guilty!

boast, oh i can boast about all the things i do. and instead i know i should be thankful that i can do all those things. if it weren't for aaron's hard work and sacrifice, there's no way i would be able to spend the time i do with lil man, taking him here and there, or be able to live the lifestyle we do. guilty!

proud, see boast. guilty!

self-seeking, oh i'm good about making it look like aaron is being selfish when actually, i'm the one who is being selfish. rather then seeking out things for us, i'm so busy seeking things out for me. guilty!

easily angered, party of one, here! yup, i'm so quick to be angered by aaron. rather then take my own advice and counsel that i give everyone else, i'm the one who should be taking the deep breathes, taking a step back and seeing the big picture. guilty!

grudges, oh i have a mind sharp and ready to store any wrong-doing by aaron and can recall it when i need to. rather then recalling the good things, i've been so quick lately to recall the wrongs. guilty!

i'm so guilty of telling aaron, 'i hope this happens to you because you're not doing that.' how wrong! rather then accepting what he's doing, not wearing a coat when it's cold outside, i'm always quick to tell him the evil i hope comes to be, i hope you get sick. guilty!

truth. i'm so quick to question everything he says or to argue my point rather then just seeing the truth in the matter. guilty!

protects. aaron does so much to protect us. what do i do to protect us? sure i make sure lil man is protected, but as far as our marriage, what am i really doing to protect it? nothing. guilty!

trusts. see truth. guilty!

hope. recently it seems that i've just given up. rather then find the hope, the good in things to come for our marriage, i'm just looking forward to the break. rather then looking for growth, i'm looking for breaks. guilty!

perseveres. our marriage and our love will persevere. we do love each other. we said 'forever' and we will grow old together, sitting on our front porch on our rocking chairs still fussing at each other 80 years from now. guilty!

sure, there are a lot of things i'm guilty of and no, my hubby is not perfect either, he has his own set of guilties, but i know what i need to do, what i need to work on. now to communicate to him that we both have things to work on because we will make this marriage work. we're army strong! but more importantly, we're blessed by God and he's got a great plan and journey for us ahead!