and now i'm in the anger stage

so they say that when you grieve the loss of someone, you will go through six stages, not always in any particular order, but you will stop for at least a moment in each stage: denial, isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

i've accepted what has happened. i guess while i was going through the agony of the 'birth' i was trying to convince and bargain with God that he really didn't want to take our baby. in actual grieving aka crying, i have isolated myself and that's just how i am. i'm a very emotional person both public and private, but when it comes to actually grieving, i tend to isolate myself. and well leaves us with denial, anger and depression. i guess part of me is in denial still holding out hope that maybe when i go for the ultra sound the doctors will realize they were wrong and that our baby is just fine, safe and sound in my cervix in my belly right where she belongs. and i have a feeling depression will rear her ugly head eventually. but at this moment, it's anger i'm feeling.

i'm angry that this even happened. i'm angry that my hubby is stressed at work with peoples' petty whining over meaningless things (many don't know what happened over the course of the last few days). i'm angry people don't understand that i want to grieve alone (and to be honest, there's nothing wrong with that and actually it's rather healthy for you). i'm angry that i had to miss out on this past weekend's fun events and 10k. i'm angry that the triage nurse still hasn't called. i'm angry that that i'm angry.

i'm not angry at God though. crazy though considering the fact that He is the one in control of all this and the one who ultimately made this happen. and yet, i can't find myself to be angry with him.

three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth. ~buddha

and just like that it was over with

as the thunderstorms rolled through our area last night, with hail and all of God's beautiful fiery and power, it was over. just like the morning my water broke with lil man, with all its rain and thunder nearly 2 and a half years ago, i gave 'birth' as the hail pounded our roof and the lightning stretched across the night sky.

as of yesterday i was 9 wks 5 days pregnant with our second child. we hadn't told many. in fact, we had actually planned on telling everyone next week. using my picture of me running the okc memorial marathon relay 10k at 10 wks pregnant we wanted to announce the joyful news. but God has other plans for us. {jeremiah 29:11}

this terribly scary journey began tuesday with some light spotting, normal for most pregnancies. following doctor's orders, i went home, rested and tried to relax. wednesday morning things just didn't seem 'right.' i had called the triage nurse, but unbeknown to me their systems had crashed along with my contact info, and went to my eye doctor's appointment. yea! contacts! i can see again. i remember talking to my optometrist about running and being pregnant and he asked, 'is that safe to do?' i explained since i've been running for nearly a year, i was cleared to continue running through my pregnancy. i shared some pointers and we were done.

things still didn't feel 'right' and i didn't want to just 'sit and wait' anymore for the nurse to call back (though remember, their systems had crashed). lil man and i headed for ft. carson's evans hospital and the ob walk-in clinic. after a short wait we saw dr. silver. after telling him how i now had some 'period-like' cramps and the bleeding had increased, he did a vaginal ultra sound. lil man was so thrilled to see the baby! i had explained to him that he could talk to the baby in my belly but we had to 'see' her on a 'special tv.' unfortunately i couldn't get a hold of hubby (oh how i love the army), but we went to visit him after the doctor's. i explained to him that i was on strict orders to do a whole lot of nothing, to relax and drink lots of water, but we had seen the baby and her heartbeat!

well, wednesday afternoon hubby took off early and came home with us. by the time we made the 45 minute drive home, the cramping and bleeding had increased even more. so, we grab lil man's backpack, threw in some snacks, toys and the ipod loaded with his movies and headed to evans' er. after 6 glorious hours, through which i kept reminding myself to calm down and that we are not alone in this {psalm 46:10}, we were told that there was no clear answer to whether or not i would miscarry or if my placenta had simply tore as it was stretching.

at 5:20am thursday morning i felt as if i were going into labor. the cramping had become so strong and painful and by now i was bleeding and a lot. we headed back to the er, where i nearly collapsed while trying to check-in (thank you super nice emt who got me a wheelchair!). after the iv and the morphine, i had another ultra-sound. hubby and lil man weren't allowed to come along. so in the room with three strangers, i put on a brave face as the doctor read the screen and looked at me, 'ma'am, there is no detectable heartbeat and your baby is measuring only 8 wks, 1 day. i'm so sorry.'

my er doctor explained to us that what happened is called 'fetal demise.' because the baby wasn't developing correctly, my body had decided to end the pregnancy (gosh it's so hard to find the right words for this), and miscarry. i'm thinking of as God sparing us greater pain later on by doing this {psalm 32:4}.

dr. silver gave us our options and i chose to let my body its thing, clinging to my faith and the hope that maybe they were all wrong and had missed something and that everything would be alright in my sense of the word. we returned home as the cramping continued. by night fall i was still in shock and just numb to the situation. but as the thunder roared and the lightning lit up the night sky, i gave 'birth' and just like that, it was over with.

we are finding peace in this though. knowing that God truly does have a better plan for us. see, had i gone full-term, i would have been due the week of thanksgiving and hubby would have been deployed with no way of being home for the birth. and as we watch our lil man play with his toys (by the way, we explained to him that the baby got very sick and that she's in heaven now with God watching over us and he's okay with that), we can't help but feel so blessed already. when the time is right, God will guide us to make the decision on whether or not to try again.

we thank God and all of you for your continued love and support. we will get through this too

hey soul sister

ever see someone and their glow and just can't help but stare? and then you look at everything that's going on around them and really can't help but stare and be amazed by their continued glow and amazing soul?

i want to be that person.



in this life we've been given by God to trail on down its pathway, pathways sometimes because we forget our plans are not God's plans, there is room for so many moments to dampen our glow, our soul, our dance in the rain. it's not that i want to be stared at, no way, shape or form, but i want to be able to stand there or dance or sing or simply smile and be able to encourage, inspire someone to do the same. i guess it's my servant-heart that God has blessed me with. i want to serve others by providing that encouragement. i don't need to know that i've done so, but i want to feel, i want to know that i am. even when it rains or the darkness of the deep lonely night sets in, i want to be able to be a glow for someone.

and sometimes i forget that the best person i can be that glow for is the person staring right back at me in the mirror. i think sometimes that sister of mine has the most amazing glow, even if it's just for a split second and then she's off and chasing a two year old or scrubbing the toilets or running to this event or that meeting, but even that glimpse of her and her soul reminds me that i am that soul sister with her glow and encouragement and amazement, i just have to let her out.

Lord, ease my mind and quiet my thoughts and busy-body so that YOU can take my soul sister and let her shine and inspire others by serving YOU. amen

no matter what, their parade will always get rained on

do you know someone that no matter what, their parade will always get rained on? regardless of what it is, their situation is always horrible, painful, worse then everyone elses' situation? and they always complain about how they are feeling bummed out all the time and just can't figure out why or how to get over it?

i don't like to dwell on negative feelings. i don't like to surround myself with negative people. i don't believe life is all sunshine, rainbows and cupcakes. but i do believe that no matter how horrible, painful or awful my situation, someone else's situation will always be worse then mine so i try not to complain, or not as loudly.

sure, i can rattle of a list of things that i have happened to me in my lifetime that should have knocked me down, brought me to cries and should have left me questioning God (and don't think i didn't at the time). but when i look in the mirror, i'm glad they happened to me and that God brought me through them for they made me the person i am today, fully capable of handling anything that comes my way.

looking ahead to what 2010 holds for me and my family, i know there's a deployment on the horizons again. but i also know we're also trying to add to our family, most likely resulting in me delivering with hubby watching via webcam the birth of our child. there are holidays he'll miss, again. there are the moments we want to share with our family but can't because we live on the other side of the country from them. there wil be friends who will disappoint. there will be opportunities missed. there will be much more. but when 2010 closes out, we can say we made it and we made it with God's merciful hands around us.

and so, let the negative nancy and sad sally boo whoo, and yes, i'll offer an encouraging word and pray for them, but at the end of the day, i won't let them bring me down.

through the lens of my carema

so aaron totally rocked my birthday (and valentine's day and our anniversary and mother's day) with a brand spanking new canon eos 7d! so, i've been playing around with it, learning how to use it and just enjoying life through the lens of my new camera.

as i was taking pictures the other day of our lil man as the snow fell gently around him, i started thinking, when you turn off the 'auto focus' and start using the 'manual focus,' it was more excitng to take pictures and see the end results. life is just the same way. when you turn off the 'auto focus' and start looking at life through 'manual focus,' you start seeing things more clearly for yourself.

as i turned the focus thingy to clear up the image through the lens, i started realizing that once i stopped going through life on 'auto,' i was able to start focusing on what's really important, not the things everyone else thought for me was important, but what i myself thought was and is important to me, for myself, for my family, for those who surround me.

and so with that, i'm focusing more on the 'manual' setting in my life, starting with the things i spend my time and energy on. aaron pointed out recently that i've been wearing myself thin, trying to help too many and forgetting to help myself and our family. so, the auto setting is off, the manual setting is on and i can't wait to see the pictures God and i take in 'manual.'

nothing, but a lot of things

ever just have a lot on your mind, but then nothing to really write? a lot has happened, but it just seems that i have no energy to sort it all out in my brain, get it through my finger tips and have it make sense for you to digust. so, i leave you with nothing, but with lots of things on my mind.

what about my son

it's a double post night!

as i listen to lil man doze off to sleepy-by land on the baby monitor, and as i spend another night combing through the countless websites, reading article after article, searching for answers, i wonder, what about my son?

sure the department of defense has made sure there are plenty of resources for parents and teachers for school-aged children facing the deployment cycle. but when it comes to our youngest family members, it seems that most forget that they too serve, they too suffer, they too need support and comfort and help.

sure we keep busy, we have a routine, we watch 'dadda story' (videos of daddy reading stories), we do the webcam playdates, we have a picture wall gallery of pictures of lil man and daddy, we have the build-a-bear, we've read 'the kissing hand' and 'night catch,' lil man wears his milawear bracelet and has a set of daddy's dogtags, we talk on the phone with daddy as much as he can call, we do art for daddy and wounded warriors, we have monthly goals to help pass the time, we have playdates with other little ones going through the same thing, but at the end of the day, daddy still isn't home and it's still months before he'll be home (well, not right now, but come later on this year it will).

even now with hubby just tdy for three weeks, each and every time lil man hears an airplane (at lil man's request, we stayed at until we saw his plane taxi away), he has asked, 'dadda airplane?' and each time i tell him, 'not today. but in X more bedtimes daddy will be home.' there have already been a few times that i've bit my lip and looked away as to avoid tearing up. and to think, this is just a three week tdy and he's just a few states away. what am i going to do when hubby is 7 timezones and 7,079 miles away for at least 12 months?

i pray each and every night to God for strength and guidance. i've been grabbing every book possible to read and find more strategies for coping. i've talked with other moms. i've mentioned it to our deputy commander and our care team. but what more can i do? what more can i do for our son? for all the little ones who are forgotten?