Thursday, June 18, 2009

my playlist as i spiral

it's amazing how God makes sure you hear the songs you need to hear. it's like no matter where you are, the grocery store, driving in the car, running errand, he makes sure you hear what you need to hear.

as i watch the world around me, i feel like 'me' is trapped as i feel my whole world spiraling out of control. you wouldn't really be able to guess it from my outward appearance, still smiling, still pleasant, still keeping everything pulled together, but on the inside, it's a whole other side. it's like i'm 'going through the motions' (borrowed from matthew west) of life, going on playdates, running, keeping house, running errands, but on the inside, i'm all but going through it, i'm falling apart. i feel like i'm 'fading, crumbling' (borrowed from chris tomlin), letting the lines blur. i feel like i can't find my 'sanctuary' (borrowed from steven curtis chapman) where i can calm myself, collect myself, and re-energize myself.

i feel that if i can't get a grasp on myself, i won't be able to get a hold of cayman. it's been a tough week with him. i know there is no such thing as the 'terrible twos' (because we're there already and he's only 20 months old). but this week has been tough. and to be honest, it's my fault. i feel like my falling apart on the inside is causing him to fall apart. when did i lose myself and let it start affecting our child?

(un)fortunately i'm good at hiding it and putting on the face and doing the things i'm suppose to do. aaron has no clue. and to be honest, i don't want him to know. he has enough to worry about; class, the interviews for company command, us. and i feel like it's my duty as the wife, as the mother, as the army wife to pull myself together and carry on. it's a stigma. and well, God, i can't do it without you. labels and stigmas aside, i hear the music and i get it! now help me find myself, my sanctuary, me again, please.

ps, i love you and i don't want you worrying, you are doing so much already.


Taylor said...

That made me cry, Jackie. You're right -- no one would ever know that's how you feel inside. But you're on the right track now. You've realized God is trying to get your attention and that's the first step. I'll be praying that He will bring you the peace, wisdom and discernment, and strength you need to move forward.