on vacation, sorta

so we're having a grand ole time on vacation, no real schedule to keep, doing as we please, hardly a spat over anything and on the inside, i'm a total emotional mess. seriously an emotional hot mess.

between being worn down by lil man's morning tantrums, i blame the darn time difference (he's waking up here at 6am, but in reality it's only 4am back home) and then the sheer excitement of everything we're doing together but then the looming thought that this could be our last vacation as a family, ever, it's just a train wreck of emotions. and all the same i'm keeping a smile on my face and my head held high as we make our way through the lines and laugh and smile and just enjoy being together and yet, each person passing by has no clue what a hot mess i am on the inside.

but then again, i can see in some of their eyes that maybe they can see past the smiles and laughter and they can see it in my eyes that when we pass the little girls' sections in the stores i feel cheated or maybe they can see when we pose for a picture that i'm praying it's not the last, or maybe they can see when i'm laughing at the silly face our lil man is making that inside i'm just slap worn out. and maybe they can relate or they simply want to care. but i just can't let it all out, not all at least. i do let out a few tears here and there.

we sat watching the 'hall of presidents' today and patriotic things always make me teary, but i teared up as i watched, not because i'm proud to be american, which i am, but because my husband is risking his life and leaving us to do so for each and every person we sit in the show with and then some. and then as we pass through the shops, thank goodness for bug-eyed, dark sunglasses as hot tears roll down my cheek and i quickly wipe them away as i brush pass the princess dresses and minnie ears. and then come the happy tears as i breathe a sigh of relief and belief and know that it will all be okay and know that i'm not in this alone. and i can feel His arms around me as i watch those shows and as i pass the shops and know that He is giving me strength to endure.

on a side note, i tried to make the blog private but realized that the blog is smarter then me.

4wks and living and dying

so it's been four weeks, which i didn't realize until i was watching grey's anatomy's last 15 minutes when meredith herself experiences the same grief. and then i thought of the preview for this coming weekend's army wives and i all i can think is, 'really!?!, do i really need more reminders.'

i couldn't figure out why i felt so emotionally and physically exhausted today, but as i sit here reflecting on my recent journey and looking at my beautiful angel hubby got me for mother's day (i would have been 12wks on mother's day) i know why. in the last four weeks i've kept myself so busy, on the go constantly that i have to confess that i have not grieved completely or properly yet. sure, i've cried here and there and i've made my peace with God, for the most part though tv shows i watch in hopes of relaxing are making me a little upset with Him, and i want to say that i'm ready for the next step, but i'm honestly just avoiding the pain.

to be honest, it will be nice to get away, to leave behind the reminders of the life we will not be living, right now. it'll be nice to step away and take a breathe, truly relax and grieve, at the happiest place on earth (go figure). but i know through it all, with a deployment looming, a body that hasn't regulated yet, and this grief and the million things on my plate, i know that i don't control it all and i don't make the decisions on what happens and how far the ripples will spread. i just sit back and watch the beautiful picture He is painting with me.

tears on a sunny day

so i'm not one to sit and cry, much. and i'm not one to let the projects around new home pile up. but the other day, as i was using my hand shovel to 'cut' the grass out of the front yard so i could lay down the pavers the previous owners left us (the left side of the driveway has pavers already, they just never finished the job), i had to great help of our lil man, assisting me in every.single.step.of.the.way.

but as we were pulling up the row of sod, i collapsed trying to take the sod roll and dump it in the garbage can. but lil man simply pulled a piece of sod off and tossed it in the garbage and very clearly pointed out to me that i needed to take smaller pieces and toss them. once we had staked down our weedblock and smoothed out our sand, it was time to move those heavy pavers. the first few weren't too bad and i started on the far end of the drive (not like we have a long driveway). but as i laid each paver down and my arms got tired, i got angry at my hubby. why hadn't he taken on this project? why wasn't he the one who was doing all the yard work? and then, as the gentle breeze blew and the clouds slowly crept across the sunny mid-day sky, i cried out, 'why am i able to do this! i shouldn't be able to do this! i should be restricted from heavy lifting. i should be pregnant!'

and then i sat on our front steps and cried tears on that sunny day. it was a moment i'm sure that will repeat itself over and over again in the months and years to come. it was a moment i'm sure to relive when i least expect it (come on, i was laying pavers, nothing 'mommy-ing' in that). but it was a moment that i was wrapped in warm sunshine and knew i wasn't alone as i cried tears on a sunny day. and now that summer is near and the warm evenings are hopefully here to stay, as i look out over the plains and see the far of distant lighting over kansas, i know our angel is up there playing, just waiting for us to be a family again someday.

been there all the time waiting

ever feel like the light bulb has come on and you 'duh,' you've been there the whole time? it's kind of one of those moments where you go, 'okay, i can see you, i know you've been there the whole time, i've just not wanted to see you there.'

with our recent miscarriage and the upcoming deployment and the mounding of things i've taken on and a toddler who has decided now would be a good time to regress and act 2, i have found myself throwing my arms more then ever and going, 'seriously?!? are you serious!' and it's not fair, i mean, i know in my heart of hearts, if God brings you to it, He will bring your through it. but, honestly lately, i've felt that that is easier said then believed.

as sat there tonight at the wings for women military spouses conference and admired all the pregnant bellies, i put my hand on my stomach and knew that all i was feeling was my well-padded storage of yummy foods i really didn't need. and as i sang my little heart out, oh Lord, please let me have been somewhat in tune, the words spoke straight to my heart. and as i listened to the keynote speakers, laughing a lot and feeling refreshed, my mind kept wondering off to the timeline of things to come in the near future... and it was while i was drifting through the future that i saw the light bulb come on, if i ever needed God, i need him now.

between the grief and waiting, between the unknown and waiting, between Him waiting so patiently for me to go 'ah-huh,' He has been there the whole time carrying me and holding me close. and knowing that He was there in those dark moments and in those uncertain moments, i know He will be there as i continue to take one step at a time and take one breathe at a time, knowing that He will bring me to it, and He will bring me through it.

ps, with some crazy comments being left and OPSEC and such, i've decided to make the blog private. simply leave me a comment with your email and i will make sure to add you to the guest list. the blog will go private friday, may 21.

and now i'm in the anger stage

so they say that when you grieve the loss of someone, you will go through six stages, not always in any particular order, but you will stop for at least a moment in each stage: denial, isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

i've accepted what has happened. i guess while i was going through the agony of the 'birth' i was trying to convince and bargain with God that he really didn't want to take our baby. in actual grieving aka crying, i have isolated myself and that's just how i am. i'm a very emotional person both public and private, but when it comes to actually grieving, i tend to isolate myself. and well leaves us with denial, anger and depression. i guess part of me is in denial still holding out hope that maybe when i go for the ultra sound the doctors will realize they were wrong and that our baby is just fine, safe and sound in my cervix in my belly right where she belongs. and i have a feeling depression will rear her ugly head eventually. but at this moment, it's anger i'm feeling.

i'm angry that this even happened. i'm angry that my hubby is stressed at work with peoples' petty whining over meaningless things (many don't know what happened over the course of the last few days). i'm angry people don't understand that i want to grieve alone (and to be honest, there's nothing wrong with that and actually it's rather healthy for you). i'm angry that i had to miss out on this past weekend's fun events and 10k. i'm angry that the triage nurse still hasn't called. i'm angry that that i'm angry.

i'm not angry at God though. crazy though considering the fact that He is the one in control of all this and the one who ultimately made this happen. and yet, i can't find myself to be angry with him.

three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth. ~buddha

and just like that it was over with

as the thunderstorms rolled through our area last night, with hail and all of God's beautiful fiery and power, it was over. just like the morning my water broke with lil man, with all its rain and thunder nearly 2 and a half years ago, i gave 'birth' as the hail pounded our roof and the lightning stretched across the night sky.

as of yesterday i was 9 wks 5 days pregnant with our second child. we hadn't told many. in fact, we had actually planned on telling everyone next week. using my picture of me running the okc memorial marathon relay 10k at 10 wks pregnant we wanted to announce the joyful news. but God has other plans for us. {jeremiah 29:11}

this terribly scary journey began tuesday with some light spotting, normal for most pregnancies. following doctor's orders, i went home, rested and tried to relax. wednesday morning things just didn't seem 'right.' i had called the triage nurse, but unbeknown to me their systems had crashed along with my contact info, and went to my eye doctor's appointment. yea! contacts! i can see again. i remember talking to my optometrist about running and being pregnant and he asked, 'is that safe to do?' i explained since i've been running for nearly a year, i was cleared to continue running through my pregnancy. i shared some pointers and we were done.

things still didn't feel 'right' and i didn't want to just 'sit and wait' anymore for the nurse to call back (though remember, their systems had crashed). lil man and i headed for ft. carson's evans hospital and the ob walk-in clinic. after a short wait we saw dr. silver. after telling him how i now had some 'period-like' cramps and the bleeding had increased, he did a vaginal ultra sound. lil man was so thrilled to see the baby! i had explained to him that he could talk to the baby in my belly but we had to 'see' her on a 'special tv.' unfortunately i couldn't get a hold of hubby (oh how i love the army), but we went to visit him after the doctor's. i explained to him that i was on strict orders to do a whole lot of nothing, to relax and drink lots of water, but we had seen the baby and her heartbeat!

well, wednesday afternoon hubby took off early and came home with us. by the time we made the 45 minute drive home, the cramping and bleeding had increased even more. so, we grab lil man's backpack, threw in some snacks, toys and the ipod loaded with his movies and headed to evans' er. after 6 glorious hours, through which i kept reminding myself to calm down and that we are not alone in this {psalm 46:10}, we were told that there was no clear answer to whether or not i would miscarry or if my placenta had simply tore as it was stretching.

at 5:20am thursday morning i felt as if i were going into labor. the cramping had become so strong and painful and by now i was bleeding and a lot. we headed back to the er, where i nearly collapsed while trying to check-in (thank you super nice emt who got me a wheelchair!). after the iv and the morphine, i had another ultra-sound. hubby and lil man weren't allowed to come along. so in the room with three strangers, i put on a brave face as the doctor read the screen and looked at me, 'ma'am, there is no detectable heartbeat and your baby is measuring only 8 wks, 1 day. i'm so sorry.'

my er doctor explained to us that what happened is called 'fetal demise.' because the baby wasn't developing correctly, my body had decided to end the pregnancy (gosh it's so hard to find the right words for this), and miscarry. i'm thinking of as God sparing us greater pain later on by doing this {psalm 32:4}.

dr. silver gave us our options and i chose to let my body its thing, clinging to my faith and the hope that maybe they were all wrong and had missed something and that everything would be alright in my sense of the word. we returned home as the cramping continued. by night fall i was still in shock and just numb to the situation. but as the thunder roared and the lightning lit up the night sky, i gave 'birth' and just like that, it was over with.

we are finding peace in this though. knowing that God truly does have a better plan for us. see, had i gone full-term, i would have been due the week of thanksgiving and hubby would have been deployed with no way of being home for the birth. and as we watch our lil man play with his toys (by the way, we explained to him that the baby got very sick and that she's in heaven now with God watching over us and he's okay with that), we can't help but feel so blessed already. when the time is right, God will guide us to make the decision on whether or not to try again.

we thank God and all of you for your continued love and support. we will get through this too

hey soul sister

ever see someone and their glow and just can't help but stare? and then you look at everything that's going on around them and really can't help but stare and be amazed by their continued glow and amazing soul?

i want to be that person.



in this life we've been given by God to trail on down its pathway, pathways sometimes because we forget our plans are not God's plans, there is room for so many moments to dampen our glow, our soul, our dance in the rain. it's not that i want to be stared at, no way, shape or form, but i want to be able to stand there or dance or sing or simply smile and be able to encourage, inspire someone to do the same. i guess it's my servant-heart that God has blessed me with. i want to serve others by providing that encouragement. i don't need to know that i've done so, but i want to feel, i want to know that i am. even when it rains or the darkness of the deep lonely night sets in, i want to be able to be a glow for someone.

and sometimes i forget that the best person i can be that glow for is the person staring right back at me in the mirror. i think sometimes that sister of mine has the most amazing glow, even if it's just for a split second and then she's off and chasing a two year old or scrubbing the toilets or running to this event or that meeting, but even that glimpse of her and her soul reminds me that i am that soul sister with her glow and encouragement and amazement, i just have to let her out.

Lord, ease my mind and quiet my thoughts and busy-body so that YOU can take my soul sister and let her shine and inspire others by serving YOU. amen