take that deployment and preggo hormones and life in general

yeah, you heard me... take that deployment, and preggo hormones and life in general. today, i took prisoners, and no nothing took me as their prisoner (i'm sure for that i'll be paying for it for the next few weeks). but it felt so great to feel so accomplished today.

as i stood and stared at our calendar on the 10th of this month, for a month i was filled with joy thinking we had just made it to the 5 month mark, and then reality slapped me, hard, across the face (and i think some spit even hit the ground) that we had only survived 4 months of this endless deployment. and so, i found myself in a puddle on the floor.

and then there are those preggo hormones. between heartburn in the afternoon, evening, middle of the night, just flat out whenever, and feeling huge, even larger than an elephant at times, and just flat out being sore.all.the.time. and running on sleep that i collected during a 4 hour shift of sleeping, at least i'm getting ready for night time feedings, right, you could say this pregnancy is owning me.

and don't forget life. 24 hours to make the most of and then you get a whole new 24 hours. and with a 3 year old who was sick and then a preggo mommy who has been hanging on for some unknown reason to the crud, and the emotions and everything else that comes with life and deployment, there have been more gray days that resemble ft. lewis's weather than our weather lately.

but not today! today i accomplished a whole heap of things. broke in to my own home. felt great all day. didn't let a single bump in the road stop us. today i felt as if God himself was walking right in front of me making sure no one and nothing even looked at us the wrong way. what an amazing feeling. i pray it continues, or at least rears its head more often around here.

so drained and it has even been a 100 days

we're riding the deployment roller coaster again and to be honest, it's true, it never.ever.gets easier.

we're not a 100 days in yet, getting close though, and already i feel drained and completely over this whole deployment. sure i have a 3 year old to tame and am baking a bun and am a homeowner this time around. and yes we just spent the last 10 weeks traveling. but honestly, i'm over it all.

i'm over being strong. i'm over being supportive (not of hubby because he is my hero i'll carry him to the end of the earth). i'm over being understanding how this may be hard for this person or that person. i'm over cooking for lil man and myself (i hate leftovers). i'm over being organized and getting care packages out in time for each holiday (yes, i bought moon pies today for the mardi gras package). i'm just flat out over it.

and i know God is actually the one carrying me and i'm being selfish, but i feel like i'm at this alone. and i know i'm not. but still. tomorrow is another day and another 24hrs to fill to the brim and trust God i'm doing the best i can.

project: pay it forward

so rather than another 'perfect list,' this year i want to do something to help others. i want to do something each month to help someone else, pay it forward, because we are fortunate to be able to financially do so. so each month i want to take $50 from our spending/ allowance money and do something for someone else. here's my list so far:

grocery giftcard
pay on someone else's utilities
mani/pedi giftcard with childcare
donate a mops (mothers of preschoolers) scholarship
dinner/date giftcard with childcare

i know there are a billion other things i can do. i'm so excited! i figure there are even things i can do without spending a dime, that i want to do as rak (random acts of kindness) and even things our lil man can do. i figure this will be our year of paying it forward.

new year, new adventures

hello new year! and that means only one thing, new adventures (and challenges). looking at remaining 51 weeks left in this year, can i tell you we definitely have some adventures ahead of us:
*wrapping up our 10 long weeks of traveling and finally getting back home
*cleaning out the kitchen and making sure 'eating healthy' is actually do-able
*work on the nursery... umm... less than 12 weeks and baby 2.2 will be here!
*face another birthday (and i'm actually stoked to just get to 30, though that's another year away)
*convince baby 2.2 that he needs to stay put until daddy gets home
*bring baby 2.2 and the hubby home and be a happy little family for a few days before r&r fades away and we begin the countdown to homecoming
*figure out how to raise two boys while daddy is across the world
*maintain a home, as the homeowner (praying that nothing breaks or needs major repair)
*plan homecoming!
*plan the holidays, together

and those are just the highlights. and to be honest, that list is nothing but short of overflowing with blessings and i know there are a bunch more in store for us this year!

you win, but 2011 will be even better

so it's been a while. and to be honest, i have no real good excuses. but here i am. and baby 2.2 too. and well, as 2010 draws to an end, here i sit feeling baby 2.2 kick and lil man is 'resting' as he likes to call his naps in the other room and hubby is some 7 thousand miles away and to be honest, i can't say i can check anything off my list of '10' for 2010. but i'm okay with that. i am.

when i look back over the year, everything else won, not me. but as i look forward to 2011, i know the victory is already in my grasp. sure, i didn't lose 10lbs, in fact i gained 10lbs and then some, but then again i'm baking a bun. and i didn't run my 10k or my 10 miler, but i was up to 6 miles until i was side lined. and i already have my eyes on 2012 the army ten miler. i didn't read 10 new books, but that's okay, i read lots of news stories and personal stories and learned even a few new words. and maybe this is my subtle hint that i'm not a reader. i didn't learn 10 new verses, but i kept a few on my heart everyday, and i would rather have a few on my heart than 10 verses learned for the sake of learning them. and i wrote a lot of cards, they didn't make them in the mailbox, but those that did, i know were cherished by the ones who received them. and i made 10 genuine connections. well, they were genuine to me. and those 10 pedis, well, there's a reason why we live in colorado now.

regardless of what i did or didn't accomplish in the last 360 odd days, in the end, i lived 360 odd days to the fullest, even when spending most of the day in the bathroom throwing up, and blessed, even when there were dark clouds. so, He will hold my hand and i will have the victory next year, because i can already see it, because i am blessed beyond belief.

eyes open, arms opened wide, breathe deep

so lil man and i love being in colorado because there are so many 'climb rocks' experiences. aka, we belong to a hiking group for mommies and their tots. and to be honest, it's the best investment/ membership we have, well besides my plush sports club membership.

but today as we were meeting up with our group i got the sting of reality. because everyone in our group has different schedules and our hikes are all over colorado springs, sometimes it's a while between hikes that we see each other. well, one of the moms we had seen last in march shared happy news the same day about our impending pregnancies. well, she's 21 weeks along and well, i'm not. and apparently no one told her. and well, as i opened my eyes wide to take in the beautiful view of the rockies and opened my arms wide to catch my lil man running down the hillside, i took a deep breathe and was stung with the reality that it's just us, just the three of us.

however, on a happier note, apparently secretary gates has a heart and has decided to give our family a few more weeks together and allow us one more extra try at letting God do his magic and grow our family.

thank you sec gates for having a heart. though when we get pregnant, we won't be naming our lil one after you.

finding the positive isn't always easy

so i know the last few posts have been rather depressing. and to be honest, i've put off writing my weekly deployment check-in along with a few other things because i've just been an emotional mess and can't take on more.

with the reality that we're less then 90 days out from duffel bags, white buses and webcam dates again, i know our opportunities for make a baby are getting slimmer too. and then the thought that hubby will miss two birthdays, two football seasons, two halloweens, two thanksgivings, two christmases and one of everything else in between, i'm having a hard time trying to find the positive, the silver lining, the joy in what God has put before me.

usually i'm good at finding the positive, but i have these fears, thoughts that i know the devil has placed in my way to make we weaver in my faith. i know that i can overcome those thoughts, i know God will bring us through this. He is bringing us to it, so i know He'll bring us through it. but even with that echoing in my head, i'm having a hard time believing it with all my heart, soul and mind. and heck, why shouldn't i. 15 months is a very long time. iraq is safer then afghanstain, but still. any number of things could happen. what if i don't get pregnant? what if i miscarry and hubby is half a world away? what if?

but i'm trying to wrap my head around it. find the positive and make the most of our time together. so, my prayer is for positive thinking, for courage to face the journey before us, to have renewed and continued faith and to kick satan out of my mind.