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Sunday, November 9, 2008

the walls are coming down

so i know i'm not jericho, but i feel like this deployment is marching around me and my tough walls are starting to crumble down. i know, not the best example, but it's been stuck in my head since yesterday.

so, i love fall! the leaves change colors. alabama football (roll tide! #1!). the weather cooling off (and secretly i like wearing closed=toe shoes). and the holidays: labor day starts it off followed by halloween, veterans' day, thanksgiving, christmas and capping it off with new years. but these last three years have not made this time of year easy on me.

three years ago, when aaron and first started dating, he left me on labor day for afghanistan and didn't return until after thanksgiving. last year aaron left thanksgiving weekend. and this year, well, he's missed everything so far and may not make it back in time for any of it. strike that. we celebrate all of the holidays together, through care packages, but also when aaron gets home, no matter what time of year it is (halloween in december, christmas in february).

but this year is different. i guess i'm understanding of him missing one year. and i admit, cayman was too little last year to fully, or even partially, understand and enjoy the season. but this year, as we are already playing the christmas music and neatly packed away our jack-o-lanterns, it's tougher than before.

we walked through macy's yesterday to check out the sale (we got tons of gift cards to macy's when we got married and have yet to use them so we're going to be the proud new owners of matching towels!). sure, they had the holiday decorations out (by the way, i did not, i repeat, i did not take the mannequin's silver sequence skirt, yet) and that doesn't bother me. but when they're piping through the speakers:Because I miss you, Most at Christmas time
And I can't get you, Get you off my mind, Every other season comes along, And I'm all right, But then I miss you, most at Christmas time
, i lost it. and then this morning at church. i always lose it at church, today more then ever.

it's like i've been tough, not army strong but mommy strong, this whole year but as the one year mark approaches (and then marches on), i'm wearing thin. i guess it's because i can only handle so much. and who could do more? i know, God wouldn't give me anything i could handle (but i question that sometimes). and i know we have a mail stop date (a lot more than others have). but how do i tell my heart and my emotions and my son it's okay (sorry, tears making their way to their ducts to make an appearance) that aaron misses all of this, again.

i know they are just days on a calendar and that's what i tell myself to get through them. but how i can walk into a department store and not lose it (by the way, we've already written our 'dear santa' letters at macy's). how can i stand in church and praise God and not lose it (and not because i'm on fire for Him, but because i miss my prayer warrior holding my hand and encouraging me). how can i make it through another round of turkey and stuffing and pumpkin pie and not feel cheated. how can i wrap presents and head to the post office to mail them and not feel like our son is being cheated. i know. i knew the day i started dating aaron that this is our life and that one day it would come to this... but still

God grant me the stregnth to keep my walls from falling until my support and repair man is home.

christmas in november 2007

thanksgiving in december 2006


2 comments:

Jess said...

You don't have to be so strong.

Sometimes you just gotta keep on losing it to get you through the hardest times. Just remember that God is using EVERY MOMENT, every SECOND of this adversity to pull you closer and closer to Him. Even when you think you cannot take one more day of this deployment.

You can't. But you CAN when you do it with HIM.
Keep on going Jackie! I believe in you!

Michael and Aimee Fisher said...

You are so strong and I know that you can keep the walls up for just a little while longer. Its tough, and I don't always understand, but I am here if you ever want to chat! Have a wonderful day!