Monday, February 2, 2009

exhausted: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually

so i knew it wouldn't be easy. and i knew we'd be different people when aaron came home. but i never expected to feel this way. and i don't like it.

it's been 28 days since aaron came home. in those 28 days, he's done so much. he and cayman are bonding amazingly. he's starting to get back into the swing of being a husband and starting to become comfortable with being a dad, a dad at home. all that said, everything on the homefront seems to be going very well, better then expected. but, i feel still exhausted.

it could be that as much as aaron has jumped into life as a husband and dad at home, there's still a lot for him to pick up. there are days i find myself envious, jealous of the fact that he gets to 'ease' back into homelife and i've just loaded up my plate with more responsibilities. and i hate that feeling. i feel like at any moment i could break, i could have a complete meltdown. i even question God about his sense of humor about this all.

don't get me wrong. i wouldn't trade anything in the world for aaron, cayman or us finally being a family under the same roof. and last night as aaron and i laid in the bed and had our 'pillow talk,' i reassured him of that, but i also let him know that i feel exhausted, that i need his help. and for me, that was one of the hardest things ever to do. to tell the man of dreams, my rock, the man who thinks of me as superwoman, that i need help. but, knowing that men aren't great at picking up subtle hints, i needed to. and i'm glad i did.

no one should ever go through the day envious of others, jealous of their situation. God gave us our hand of cards and expects us to make the best of them. but, he also dealt us this hand knowing that we'd need help, help from those around us and help from him. so, i find myself on my knees praying to God for strength, knowing that strength will come through enduring the situations of everyday life. so as i wait for my husband to send me off to the spa for a day of relaxing, i'll make the most of the moments we have here, now, together.

ps, i love you, even when we're being butt heads


Jennifer said...

I'm glad you stopped to ask for help... none of us were meant to do any of this alone. What is it they say, "no man is an island unto himself," or something like that...

So, it's now February... when ya coming back to say hi!

The Fishers said...

You have been so strong for so long, essentially raising Cayman by yourself and keeping your family happy and healthy with thousands of miles between you. Now that Aaron is home, ask for help. You are a family and families have to work together. I found that after 7 months of Mike being gone there were things I was reluctant to let go of because they were part of my routine that keep me together without him. He wants to help you and he wants you to be a team again. It just takes a while to get back into a routine as a couple. I mean, he was gone for a year! You are awesome and doing a fabulous job, hang in there and rely on your faith. Sorry this was so long!

Jess said...

Oh my gosh, I completely remember feeling this way! I was actually frustrated by all the reintegration sayings of "let them ease back into life" "Don't throw too much at them"

I totally get that what they went through was hard, really hard, and that they do need time to readjust to this thing we call normal and real life. But what about us? What I went through was really hard too, I've been waiting a YEAR for a break and I felt like I was doing EVEN more once Rob came home! It was rough!

The good news is that it definitely goes away with time. Aaron sounds a lot like Rob, definitely willing to help and be a hands on Dad, it just takes awhile to get into your family groove.

You are doing great Jackie! Keep it up for just a little longer and things will start to gel.

Tyler Lynne said...

I'm so glad you are back to posting. I'm such a nerd and I anxiously await to read what is going on in your life! I'm pretty excited for Ryan to come home for R&R, but I'm nervous about it being kind of weird. I'm sure it will be an interesting experience! I agree with Aimee up there though. Ask for help if you need it and be that team I know you are! Even thought I haven't been a married lady for too long, I've learned that it's all about love and being a strong team no matter what! Keep your head up and everything will fall into place.