Sunday, March 8, 2009

lost in communication or lack of

so it's been 62 days since aaron has come home from his 14 month deployment. during that deployment, he lived in a bombed out building with some 145 other guys. he used a 'pee bottle' when he didn't want to trek across the base to the bathroom to handle his business. he worked 14 crazy hours a day. ate crappy food. had some strangers washing his clothes. and watched us live our lives over here via the webcam and the pictures and home-made movies we sent home.

no cake walk by any means. and sure, it was crazy stressful. and sure, it definitely doesn't compare to walking up in your own comfy bed next to your spouse. it doesn't compare to running pt and then coming home for a hot shower and breakfast with your toddler son, who was a baby when you deployed. it doesn't compare to having a wife who cleans the house, from top to bottom, everyday, has lunch and dinner ready when you get home and every week or so bakes cookies for your soldiers. it doesn't compare to having a 52' flatscreen to watch all the tv you want or to play your xbox on. it doesn't compare to having a new car in the drive way or orders to a new, much better base.

so, with all that said though, there is no excuse for the lack of communication. i knew that when aaron deployed he'd come home a different man and i would become a different woman. i prayed everyday that we'd grow together despite the distance into the new people we'd be. i prayed he'd come home and leave the violence over there. leave the anger outside our house. and he did. but, he also left his easy-going self. he left his openness. he left his communication skills. he left the man i married some 7,982 miles behind. and i can work with that. but, then again, i can't work with someone who isn't willing to work with me.

i have to take off my mask and be transparent for a moment. for 62 days i have been out on the beach of life, out in the water. and to most it seems like i was just splashing around in the water, having a great time enjoying life as it will be now. however, i must confess, this whole time i've been out to sea treading water, struggling to keep my head above water. i feel that aaron's quick, short temper and inability to communicate with me is the undertow trying to drag me down. between taking care of cayman and maintaining our routine and standard of living, i'm struggling to take care of aaron (and us) and maintain the house as he adds to the mess and is slow to contribute to helping clean up.

don't get me wrong. he picks up here and there. he does amazing with cayman's bath time (i'm no longer allowed to give him a bath because daddy does it way better). he does a great job of maintaining the computers and cleaning the new car. but his clothes have become a tripping hazard in our bedroom, most days i end up emptying and reloading the dishwasher and i have a secret affair with the garbage now again (taking it out).

but, i have to say, there is light and hope for us. we will make it through these rough waters and we will make it ashore to walk hand and hand down the beach. we've switched to the couples' sunday school class which is studying the five love languages. just knowing our love languages and learning how to check and maintain each other's 'love tank,' is helping us make that progress, slowly, but surely.

ps, i love you, through these tough times and always. it's not all you, it's a lot of me too.


Jess said...

I love your transparency because I completely understand where you are coming from. The best part is that it does get better, you two can do this but what you are going through is very real, it is still a part of the deployment. You can do it, praying for you with MUCH love!