we're home!

the house has become a home, we've survived two 'blizzards,' we're feeling out our surrounding and settling in. we still have some things to settle on our list: locating a church home, putting away the small things here and there, put up flood lights, manage the yard, but all in good time.

each time i walk from the honda around the corner and past the american flag with it's yellow ribbon and up the two front steps to our door, and then turn the key, this pride, joy, happiness comes over me: we're homeowners and it's our home! yes, we're paying the man for the next 30 years, but we will manage (we did research and made sure we could). but when you walk in, we've been told you can feel the warmth, the love that encompasses our home. and that's what we wanted.

sure, i know in a matter of time we'll be in the garage sorting through gear, hiding little love notes in each duffel, and counting down the hours until we live under two very different roofs, but that's part of 'us' and our life. and well, when that time comes, we'll still have our home, on happy jack drive, and we'll survive, because that's what we do. knowing that no matter how high God piles on the potatoes and lemons, he will bring out the peeler and the squeezer and help us make the most of it and come out with something super delicious that was worth it all.

pictures just don't do the home justice, so you'll just have to come visit!

the office: his side

the office: her side (one day it'll be the nursery)

cayman's room: complete with sleeping cayman

eat-in kitchen

the kitchen:

the master bedroom: small, but just right

the master bathroom: small, but larger then we've had in the past

the living room: gallery wall

mud room/ family tree:

the men's cave: basement

the hallway in basement: full bath for guests on left and laundry room in hide-away on right

cayman's part of the men's cave:

helloooo 4th id!

so i found aaron's office today. rather depressing, but it could be from all the bare walls and huge stacks of paper (seriously couldn't see over them). i did bring him a picture frame with our picture in it, just so he can remember what we look like and so those who come to bring him more work can see what they are keeping him from. also bumped into the frsa and the frg leader. made sure they knew i was ready and willing to help (i refuse to have a slacker frg or no family functions just because we have 800 single soldiers in the battalion).

it's one of those tough things. you walk into a frg meeting and you know everyone is looking at you thinking, 'who is she?' and well, it doesn't help that my first frg meeting with 4th id will be a halloween costume party. great! i hadn't planned on dressing up this year. and now i'm raking my brain trying to figure out the most appropriate halloween costume: hi! i'm the new s-2's wife. i'm serious, but fun. committed but laid back. i bake for the guys in the office every two weeks. i'm a stay at home mom who's always on the go with our toddler. yes, find me a costume that gives off that vibe but is still fun, light-hearted and i can throw together in a week.

what i have seen of 4th id has left me with mixed feelings. i know, i need to swallow the pill and follow my own advice (be open-minded and make the most of it), but come on. aaron came home last thursday from in-processing/ working (hadn't even finished in-processing and already he was slammed with work), and told me the unit was having some type of organizational day (code for mandatory fun day, USUALLY). so, i told him i'd make a dessert and meet him at the park when he got a break from in-processing. well, we show up. and man, it was organized, and it seemed fun for those involved, but it was not your standard 'family' fun day. it was rather a soldiers' field day. softball, football, volleyball and basketball tournaments. that's it. no chalk, no bubbles, no inflatable, nothing but the playground that just happen to be at the park for the kids. not happy.

and then there's this 'christmas' party. well, it's definitely not a 'family' shindig. at 6pm at the resort. $30 a head (because of aaron's rank). dress code spelled out for you. we're going, aaron doesn't want to , but we need to go. cayman will be spending the evening with my aunt and uncle (so glad we have family here). just waiting to seeing if there will be a family christmas party. waiting, and waiting and hoping i'll be proven wrong. yes jackie, there is a dstb family christmas party.

until then, i'm trying to remain open-minded and not too eager to be involved, but it's me. and to me, family is important. more to come i'm sure.

now more then ever

so i don't know if i'm pregnant and hormonal or if it's the fact that we just bought a house or the matter that last weekend 9 soldiers from ft. carson were killed in action or just the mess in my head, but now more then ever, i find myself tearing up at the smallest things, dreading the upcoming deployment more and questioning God's reasoning more. it's crazy, this isn't me. this isn't my potential. this isn't how it was suppose to be.

maybe before i was naive or maybe just ignorant, or just too Innocent and faithful. but as time has ticked by and we've been blessed with everything we thought we could really ever want, i find myself dreading it, dreading the blessings, dreading the things to come.

and as i sit here, i can't help but think tim tebow got it right and it was the whole purpose of me watching the game: 1 Thess. 5:18. i want to give thanks. i have so much to be thankful for. i know we could be in much worse circumstances in life. so as i give thanks, why can't i be joyful about it? why must dread linger in the distance shadowing the amazing things God has done for us?

i give thanks for so many things; my loving husband, our beautiful son, a roof over our head and food on our table, for loving family and friends and their support, for a country where we have been given so many opportunities, for the challenges that have made us stronger and much more.

we're 'normal'

so we hit a major 'make it or break it' point this past weekend. never before has moving been so stressful. but this time around, the sooner we get to our new house, the sooner we know aaron will deploy. in the past, when we moved from mac dill to ft. polk, we had NO clue aaron would be deploying a few weeks after we unpacked our boxes. when we moved from ft. polk to ft. huachuca, we knew aaron would be in school for five months. now moving from ft. huachuca to ft. carson, though there is much excitement surrounding this move, we KNOW aaron will be deploying in the near future (sorry, i can't tell you nor do we know for sure). well, this has made this move all but tolerable up until the other day.

with the lingering thought of aaron leaving again, and still struggling to release my tight grasp on EVERYTHING, i had a complete meltdown and we hit heads completely head on. between the tears, the fears and 'pissy' behavior, we apparently have become 'normal' according to all the military garb out there about the 'normal' army couple nowadays.

but here's what sets us apart from the rest of the 'normal' couples in those write-ups: as we sat on the bathroom floor crying and blabbing about how we will make it through this, we figured out what are 'problem' is: i don't want to release my stronghold on EVERYTHING because i know aaron will be leaving again, leaving me to take on EVERYTHING again on my own. and with this inability to let go and being OVERLY critical of everything aaron does, I have created this horrible, heavy, cumbersome burden for myself.

so, as we sat there deciding we were not going to just be 'normal' and strive to be 'us,' i sat there rolling around in my head the idea of letting going though i know it will only be for a short time. but, that's our life, it's us, it's the life we chose together and knew we were getting into. so, as we sit in the middle of our house full of boxes and ready to make the 822 mile drive north knowing that in a few months aaron will be boarding a plane to fly some 8,922 miles across the world to protect and define what's right with 'us,' we're just going to be 'us' and not worry about being 'normal.' because that's what God has blessed us with and we'll take it!

we all have it

we all have it. if you've been through a deployment, you have it. it's a matter of how you deal with it that sets you apart from the rest. heck, any separation from your loved one(s), regardless of the time frame, is tough on the body, mind and soul, but when you add in the news media, the missed holidays and watching your kids grow up via a webcam, one can hardly believe you wouldn't have it. and even if you don't think you have it, you have it, you're just denying yourself. and that makes it even worse. but, once again, what sets you apart from the rest is what you do with it once you accept that you have it.

i'm talking about ptsd. post traumatic stress disorder. it's not a disorder really. and you can have pre traumatic stress too. overall, it's a strain on you, on your overall well-being, on your self, on your emotions, your mind, your spirit and your soul. but, knowing that you're not the only one with it and that plenty go on with their everyday life as 'normal' and 'normal' can be, there is hope.

aaron did his 'clearing' from his course this week and i guess part of his clearing required a post-psych evaluation. apparently they wanted to make sure the course didn't make him go batty (too late). well, he came home and said, 'hmm... turns out i have mild ptsd.' i know this going to sound harsh, but i wasn't surprised. i kinda just brushed it off. for months i've known. i knew even before he came home. i knew i had it before he even got on a plane to redeploy home to us finally. however, there was a difference between then and now. just because i knew didn't make it okay. knowing now because he told me himself makes it okay, for both of us.

i don't love him any less. i'm not scared of him. but hearing him say he has ptsd just makes me feel that he has come to grasp the full affects of this last deployment and everything that happened. as we wrapped our heads around it (not much wrapping to do on my end), he received his new assignment and a tentative deployment timeline. this time only 12 months, but another round of separation and wear and tear on the mind, body and soul.

ps, but with strength, we'll get through this too. for nothing is greater then what He is will to help us through. i love you

happy jackie on happy jack drive

so i know, and you know, life gets crazy, your plate gets full and suddenly it's a month later and the world out there has no clue where you've been or what's happened. well, i'm here, i've been busy, but i'm back! so much has happened in the last month (no baby though, lots of practice, but no baby made, yet). when God blesses you, you better have your cup ready and a backup near by!

we've received our official orders and are plans to become the newest family to move to ft. carson come the end of the month. for a while it looked as if aaron would be assigned to a unit leaving in early 2010, but for now, it looks like he'll be the new s-2 of division! no official timeline yet as far as deployments, but later looks better then sooner.

and since we'll be enjoying the mountain views and cooler weather, we figured we may as well have somewhere to call 'home.' so, lil man and i spent last week working with an awesome realtor (thanks usaa!) and looked at what seemed like a million houses. when aaron flew up for the weekend we looked at just the top 5 and picked one to make ours. well, as much as you would hope that everyone in this world would be as honest and trustworthy as yourself, the seller wasn't very forthcoming about the mysterious structural damage. so, sunday we were back to square one and a tight deadline (aaron flew back down sunday evening). well, in a matter of a few hours we found our second #1. happy jack drive is home to a cute little 2-story with a fully finished basement. and come the end of the month, we'll be making it our home!

that's the skinny on the recent passed weeks. more to come though from my trip to nashville for my bestest's wedding and lil man and mine's visit with the family back east. stay tuned. oh how i've missed y'all!

ps, i love you! even if you won't let me paint our bedroom pink

i've got the fever and it's triple digits

so i didn't expect to catch the fever so soon or so strongly, but i've got it, and unfortunately, not everyone in our house has caught it. cayman caught it and is excited about it, but aaron not so much. he worries about the stresses and the financial side effects of the fever rather then the many other effects of this fever that are much more long lasting.



the fever that is running its course is the baby fever. even cayman has it. we ask him if he wants a baby or a dog and he says baby. we ask him if he wants a dog or a baby and he says, baby. and well, as much as i thought i'd be immune to the fever for a while longer, the timing is actually good, in my perspective. in aaron's eyes, this couldn't come at a more trying time. we both have good pros and cons, but i feel like i'm compromising more for him then he is for me.



aaron's reasons first. yes, we're planning on buying our very first home when we get to ft. carson, so it's a big financial step. however, we get bah every month to pay the mortgage. yes, we'll probably have to buy a fridge and a few other things, but with 6 months interest free, we can afford it. and the baby won't be due for 9 months. and then he's worried about stressing me out while he is deployed and leaving us here. well, i survived one deployment with cayman when he was an infant. grant it, i moved home with my parents who worked everyday and i finished my masters with a 3.93 gpa, but we were fine and i was fine. sure, having a toddler and an infant will be a lot to handle on top of a house that we own, but i'm pretty confident that with the support of my aunt and uncle and friends already in the area, we'll be just fine. plus, if we have the baby before aaron deploys, he can help get cayman and i into a routine with the baby and he'll be doing so many trainings prior to deploying that will be like practice for the real thing. i do feel like there may be more reasons to his hesitation too.



my reasons are more from the maternal point of view. first of all, i don't want the kids to be too far apart in age. the further apart, the great gap and more running for activities we (me) will have to do. also, the greater chance they'll never be at the same school. second, if we have the baby before aaron deploys, he can be home for the birth, the first few weeks (if not months) and we can all get adjusted together before he leaves. plus, he has no clue what to do between 5wks and 15 months for infants, so it's okay, i won't have to teach him. plus, by the time he deploys, cayman, baby and i would be in a routine of things and be just fine. third, if we wait until his r&r, what if i'm not even ovulating! and then there's the whole pressure of doing it and it's just too much stress. plus, if the baby is born shortly after aaron gets home, i'll be reintegrating him and cayman and myself again and then throwing a baby into the mix and most likely then we'll be pcsing and have to deal with the house (to sell or to rent). i'm tired of moving the THREE HUGE rubber maid boxes of cayman's clothes and all of the big baby toys. if we're not going to be trying soon, i'm giving it all away. plus, if we aren't going to be trying soon, no need for a 4 bedroom home, 3 bedrooms will be just fine. plus, the longer we wait, the longer i'm out of the classroom. don't get me wrong, i love being home with cayman, the best student i've ever had, but i hate that i worked my butt off to get my masters and now i'm not really using it. we have agreed that i would stay with the kids until they are in school, fine, but how much longer must i wait. and finally, cayman can't seem to keep his hands off the babies. every time he sees a baby, he goes over, rubs its feet, tickles its belly and goes, 'shhhh. baby.' come on. the kid is itching for a little brother or sister.

update: we've agreed that mirena can come out as soon as i'm down to 145lbs! guess who's working her tail off, literally!